Comment by Hollie on 21 May 2012 at 11:06 am

Hi Karen,

Hope your well. I have just finished reading Switching Time and lets say that if I hadn’t had college and had to cook and clean, and parent I would never have put it down. I have started writing the script and lets just say I am finding it really difficult to imagine it but I do have a couple of questions that have searched for the answers in the book and I don’t think that they are in there.

How long did each session become and in the end once you had integrated all the alters?

How did you feel once you realized that you weren’t actually living your days, others were?

The lack of sleep, how did that bother you? I know personally that I love sleep and I wouldn’t have handled life knowing that when I thought I was asleep I was actually driving around.

Last one, where did Holdon drive at night?

You are in my thoughts constantly.

Kind regards,

Hollie

Dear Hollie,

It’s nice to hear from you! I am doing well and continuing my work in writing the sequel to my story. So much has happened since the book came out and it’s my desire to encourage hope for what comes after integration and years of therapy. I’m glad you finished reading my story and I’ll do my best to answer your questions.

How long did each session become and in the end once you had integrated all the alters?

My sessions were usually either 30 or 45 minutes, but on occasion could last nearly one and a half hours. It continued that way even after all my alters were integrated. My therapy lasted eighteen years. Dr. Baer and I met once a week and spoke by phone 2 to 3 times per week for about 15 to 30 minutes. My therapy was intense, exhausting and appeared never ending. But in the end both Dr. Baer and I learned enough to help me heal and to live a productive life. I’m truly blessed.

How did you feel once you realized that you weren’t actually living your days, others were?

How did I feel? Exhausted and overwhelmed with anxiety at first, but after things settled down a bit and after learning the reasons my life felt chaotic, I came to understand the reasons behind my distress. There is nothing worse than spending an entire day doing things and not know what it was you had done. At night my alters filled in my thoughts and I was given a story about my day, rich with the events but void of feelings. I felt as if I never lived and this saddened me terribly.  For example, in my artwork and drawings, I never could claim them because I was void of the experience my alter Jensen had when doing the actual work. Realistically, the artwork was drawn with my physical hands, but not with my present mind. After each alter accomplished integration, I felt a sense of calm knowing I did take part in all these things, just in pieces.

The lack of sleep, how did that bother you? I know personally that I love sleep and I wouldn’t have handled life knowing that when I thought I was asleep I was actually driving around.  Where did Holdon drive at night?

I know what you mean. I was definitely sleep deprived for many years, more so when my alters were active. The lack of sleep bothered me, but I didn’t realize I lacked sleep at the time.  My body knew, but I did not. Let me explain. When I would go to sleep at night, my alter Holdon and a few other alters would rise to complete tasks left undone from my day. Holdon would drive to put his mind at ease; he did his best thinking during the quiet peacefulness he found in driving with no interruptions during the dark of night, with no visual distractions or noise coming from my children.  Later, Katherine would rise and clean the house so that when I awoke the dishes were done, children’s lunches packed, and their clothes set out.  It would be a great asset to wake today and have a clean house!

I may joke about missing those times, but it was actually frightening. Can you imagine waking and not knowing what you had done all night, after not knowing what you had done all day? I was a mess! Once Dr. Baer discovered Holdon’s driving during the night, I paid attention to the odometer in my car, and made a point of recording the mileage when I parked and once again when I started the car the next day. There were days that nearly 200 miles were unaccounted for, as well as an empty gas tank. I assume Holdon simply drove the highways without any particular destination. The purpose of Holdon’s drives was simply to be himself and do something he loved to do…drive.

I hope these answers are helpful and please keep in touch! Wishing you all my best!

Karen