Comment by Mark on 11 Sep 2012 at 2:52 pm

Hi Karen,

I thought of my ailing mother who was the worst mother on earth and wanted to know if you have forgiven your mother? I am having the worst time being of service to her after all that she did and ignored when I was younger. I have a definite love/hate relationship with her and everytime I think all is well she triggers crap in me and I want to choke her or kill myself. I don’t know what to do about it. She is false and when I am alone with her she criticizes me into my feeling suicidal. When people are around she is the sweetest, kindest senior citizen around. I get sick thinking of how she is perceived as the perfect mom and grandma. I feel like pulling out all my hair. Why do I help her? Do you feel obligated to help your mother? If you do will you please advise me of how you do it? I know you were a multiple and are not now and wonder how different your relationship is now. I feel like two different people, one with compassion and the other with retaliation.

Dear Mark,

Yes, I have forgiven my mother. How could I not? I am not one to judge, and realized many years after my father died that she, too, had suffered greatly at his hands. I never understood her when I was a child. I can actually say I hated her for not helping me. But as an adult I have no hate in me. I let go so that I could live. By holding grudges I made myself ill. It’s such a wonderful feeling to let go and forgive. In time I hope to share my story with her. But she is not ready to hear it for she has been ill.

My mother is similar to yours as when she is around others she’s sweet and wonderful, but not when we are alone. But I have accepted this as her issue, not mine. Sure, I hate it and it makes me feel ill every time we meet up with someone. Like you, I help my mother, too. Forgive me for what I’m about to say, but I see my relationship with my Mom as a “mission.” It’s the one way I can pour love into her without making myself sick.

What works best for me is to know that I can walk away whenever threatened. Retaliation is not helpful. Love is. When you love the one you once hated something happens within you. First you find tolerance, then acceptance, and finally a sense of calm knowing you are not in control. God has you covered.

Wishing you find peace in your thoughts and with your Mom before she passes on. Make amends. Life is too short to harbor ill thoughts. Let go.

Karen