Comment by DK on March 30, 2009 2:04 am

Thank you for responding to my earlier comment. I have learned lots from your responses to others about DID/MPD that helps me better understand the many behaviors, issues, experiences I’ve been having.
I’m wondering if you had experiences of lost time that resulted in loss of details about things you’ve agreed to do or things you’ve put someplace and then suddenly find they’re gone. For example, the other day I thought I had put a lot of change in my coat pocket. I hung my coat at work and when I went to grab the change it was gone. I checked all the places I might usually put money but it was gone. It wasn’t a lot of money but it’s the ‘not knowing’ if I put it someplace, spent it, found a new place to put it and don’t know or if it was stolen that bothers me. My husband suggested reporting the loss to our security people but I can’t because I can’t be sure the money was even there. I won’t argue with people when they say I said I would do something because my memory of events and details is not reliable at this time. Prior to a major break down several years ago that resulted in a breakdown in coping strategies within my system, I would have known if I put the money in my pocket or agreed to something. (Maybe that’s because prior to system failure I was operating with primarily one or two parts rather than parts that number into the teens) I feel like I can’t trust myself as a result and find this to be very frustrating. We’ve tried in therapy to find ways to improve more cohesive communication but there’s a few parts inside that are quite resistant to this and seem to be able to interfere with awareness..
Does this improve with integration and are there any particular strategies you used to deal with ensuring information was maintained system wide?
I can’t tell you how important it has been to me, at this time, to know there’s at least one other person who has worked their way through what feels at times like a hopeless mess! Many of the other books/stories just do not fit with my experiences. I can be greatful for a wonderful therapist, supportive husband, child and work colleagues who don’t know about my DID but take me whatever way I am, appreciating my skills and letting my idiosyncrasies slide.
DK

Dear DK,

You’re welcome! Yes, I’ve had many episodes when something would disappear because an alter would move it. Being a multiple is not easy and comes with many moments of temporary confusion. I can certainly understand your frustration. I’ve been there, too!

It’s frustrating not recalling the minor details that come naturally for those who do not suffer from multiplicity. It’s also hard to trust when you’re not sure whether someone has betrayed you. I never called the police to report anything for fear of possibly making a mistake. As a multiple, it’s best not to jump to conclusions and make false accusations unless you’re absolutely sure you’ve been wronged.

Once, while working in a drug store during the night shift, I was attacked by someone who tried to break into the pharmacy. I knew that I was attacked because of my visible wounds, the store camera record, and my alter, Miles, telling Dr. Baer the details. However, when filing the police report, I wanted to be very careful not to expose my multiplicity. I wasn’t sure of all the details of the attack and felt it was best keep quiet.

Integration proved to be a blessing to me. I was able to see an improvement in my memory after each merger. The process of integration took me eighteen months, but once fully integrated, I regained all knowledge of those little missing pieces of my life. My alters were like pieces of a puzzle–and once integrated, they became locked together so that I could become one complete woman. My therapeutic relationship lasted eighteen years. I know this may sound like a very long time, but don’t despair, each case is different just as each of us is unique. For me, I needed that time.

I’m glad to hear you have a great support system. Having a wonderful therapist is very important to your healing. It’s sounds like you are right in the middle of making changes. I’m not a therapist and can’t give advice, but integration worked for me. I wish you a safe journey as you continue to heal.

Karen