Comment by Ron on 03 May 2009 at 8:48 am

Karen,

Read your story and most of your answers on this page. You may have answered this question before. If it’s a repeat apologies sent your way. As a man trying to understand the depth of your suffering my hearts aches with a difficult to explain pain. I haven’t treated my ex-wife well after learning that she was sexually abused. I can’t say what drew me to read your book. It’s not something I would buy. But I did. I not only learned what pain is but what being hurt by ignorance can lead to. Are you able to love anyone after all your suffering? Has there ever been a man who accepted you for who you are and loved you despite what happened in your past? My ex-wife eventually committed suicide. In her last letter she mentioned her past pain and how the hurt of men like me caused her to grieve in a way that led to her own death. Are you feeling the same? Has your pain subsided? Are you dating? Maybe my writing is more for me than you. I know I caused her death. I was the first to love her and let her go. I will never get over it. My apologies to all women who have been sexually abused and not wanted by the men they loved.

Dear Ron,

Thank you for your heartfelt thoughts and comments. I’m glad you came to a better understanding of how a woman who had been abused can hurt when not supported by the man closest to her. My ex-husband’s lack of empathy and understanding devastated me, too. I wanted to end my life because I felt cheap, dirty, and worthless. My ex repeatedly stated that I was “A waste of human flesh.”  I never fully recovered from those painful words.

What’s most in important for you is to change for the better in your present and future relationships.  It may be too late for your wife, but it’s never too late to start over and make a difference in someone’s else’s life.  Forgive yourself.  Now that you know the cause and effect of your actions, you have learned one of life’s most important lessons.  We all learn from the mistakes we make.  No one is perfect.

I’m not sure if at this time if I am capable of trusting and sharing with another man. My fear is that I will be hurt again, and lose the ability to move forward because he will destroy my emotional well being.  My pain has not fully subsided. However, I do my best to make it through each day, one day at a time. I try my best to push away my dark thoughts that come from being hurt and redirecting them.

Even though you may have abused your ex, she ended her life for more reasons than you shared above.  It’s not completely your fault.  I thank you for admitting your wrongdoing.  However, unless you pulled the trigger, she herself chose to leave this world.  I understand why she did.  I know that feeling, because I’ve been there too.  The difference is, I  had a relationship with Dr. Baer that prevented me from leaving this world.

Please learn from your experience and never, ever, act towards any woman, whether an acquaintance or intimate friend, as if you don’t respect her.

Karen