Comment by Chester NYU on 06 May 2009 at 5:44 pm

Hi Karen,

When you first became whole how was your relationship with Dr. Baer and your family and friends? Were there times of tension and accusations? How about ill feelings and wishful thinking that you were dead?

The book was amazing. I can’t believe you are still alive. I think I would have killed myself if I were you.

Chester

Dear Chester,

The integration of my last alter, Holdon, left me feeling as one.  Of course, all wasn’t perfect at first.  I needed to adjust to all my surroundings as one person.  Since each alter gradually integrated within me, Dr. Baer called it a synthesis, my trauma never became more than I could handle.  Besides, Dr. Baer was right beside me, lending his support. I couldn’t have healed without his unconditional care.

My relationship with Dr. Baer stayed the same. We had worked together for so many years that he knew me well enough to help me adapt to my new circumstances.  I wasn’t afraid and knew that all my alters were now a part of me.  I actually felt better knowing that my memories were now all my own. Now I would be able to process all the horror of my past in an adult way.  For the first time ever, I would not lose time nor second guess what I had done during the day.  I felt a sense of calm.

There was some definite tension with my extended family members, especially my siblings and mother.  I did not wish to be around my mother and felt that I needed to let go of being the protector of my siblings.  It was best to keep a distance at first, at least until I was able to sort out my thoughts and feelings.  My family became angry with me and couldn’t understand why I appeared so different. I was accused many times over for not caring, when what really happened is I would no longer serve them.

To some degree, I felt a bit sad at first.  After all, not losing time meant that I had, for the first time in my life, a need to deal with reality on my own.  Not an easy task to accomplish, especially when one wishes to escape.  I knew I was afraid of the unknown.

Sometimes I can’t believe I’m alive myself.  Healing is hard work, and I am not finished yet.  Each day is a challenge.  It is my hope to maintain the strength needed to move forward.

Karen