Comment by Brittany on 08 May 2009 at 11:50 am

Dear Karen,

I am eighteen and my father raped me when I was eleven and again when I was thirteen. I never told anyone because he said I asked for it because I wore clothes that turned him on. I read your book in my psychology class, my first college semester. I think about you sometimes and that’s how I get through the bad times when I feel ugly from what happened to me. I have a question for you. After you were abused did you feel ugly too? I can’t see myself as beautiful after being raped by my father. When I want to get into a relationship I ruin it on purpose after the third date, or before becoming intimate. What do you think would help me?

Thank you, Karen Overhill.

Brittany

Dear Brittany,

I’m sorry to hear that you have suffered from being abused by your father.  I can empathize with you and recall how keeping secrets kept me miserable and my pain hidden.  It’s not your fault.  It was never your fault.  When a trusted loved one, especially your father, rapes you for his own personal pleasure, there is no way to justify the act.  It was wrong. It doesn’t matter what type of clothes you wore or how your innocence appeared to turn him on.  Your father was the adult, he acted inappropriately and damaged you.  Please know that you were never to blame: not one bit.

It must’ve been difficult for you to read my story during your psychology class.  Your past feelings may have resurfaced and caused you to think of yourself as unattractive.  I also felt that way, and at times still do. There’s a deep, dark sadness that tends to invade the simplest pleasures of an abused child’s adult life.  A simple statement, in passing, even from a friend, may trigger feeling unattractive.  Men can easily hurt an abused woman’s feeling by making small inappropriate remarks regarding another woman, that will in turn make her feel unattractive.

It’s easy to push away potential good relationships by believing the man will eventually hurt you.  Men can say hurtful things, not thinking they may be inappropriate to the woman accompanying them.  When this happens, it’s important to gently mention that the words hurt.  At these times I try to calm myself and think: is what was said an actual attempt to discredit and hurt me, or just an insensitive remark that the man made without the intention of bringing on harm?  I don’t want to make excuses for men, but I believe most men have no clue as to how they can hurt a woman, and need to be gently reminded.  If not, you will become angry and explode, and he will never know why.

Try to allow yourself some breathing room, excuse and ignore the little hurtful comments, brush them off and tell yourself it’s not something worth ruining your relationship over.  Of course, never let he big hurts go without sharing what upset you.  Try to see if there’s a pattern of hurt.  It’s a balancing act between understanding, self-respect, and seeing reality.  It’s all about learning who you are and how much you can tolerate.  I haven’t found love yet, but believe it is possible.

I am not a professional therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion, based from my own personal experience, there are many triggers that come from having low self esteem, caused from being violated.  Please seek help with a professional qualified therapist.

I wish you all the best.

Karen