Comment by John on August 3, 2008 3:52 pm

Hello Karen,

I couldn’t believe you chose my question to answer. Thank you. How interesting your answer was. Tell me. I know I was abused as a child. Since I started therapy I am uncomfortable. I didn’t tell my girlfriend yet. Do you think I should? In one of your answers to another question you said your husband didn’t treat you the same after he found out about your past. I fear this may happen to me to. Should I wait awhile before sharing with my girlfriend? Thanks.

John

Dear John,

Thank you for asking another question! I am sorry to hear you also suffered abuse as a child. I can understand your concern in telling your girlfriend so early in your relationship. I would suggest you discuss this with your therapist. Therapy is not an easy process, but necessary to begin before you can start to feel better about yourself. I encourage you to take time to heal. If you do, you and your girlfriend will benefit. Not being a therapist myself I can only say that telling your girlfriend is a very personal matter, and no one other than yourself knows the answer to whether or when you should share this. There’s no need to rush into sharing all that you’ve just begun to explore.

I, myself, never felt comfortable talking over episodes of abuse. With my ex-husband, he felt betrayed I did not tell him I was abused before we got married. In my situation, my memories were dissociated and I couldn’t share something I couldn’t articulate beforehand.

Karen

Comment by Cris on August 3, 2008 9:01 pm

Karen,

How do you know Doctor Richard Baer didn’t force memories of abuse in your mind during hypnosis just so he could write a book?

Dear Cris,

I’ve heard of the “False Memory Syndrome”, but in my case, this did not happen to me. My memories are exactly as I recalled them. I would know if Dr. Baer tried to suggest any sort of memories, but he never did, and took pains never to suggest anything.

I’ve always had a remarkable memory. Each memory my alters shared with Dr. Baer during hypnosis was known to me before therapy. Most of these memories were fragmented amongst my alters, as if they were individual pieces of a puzzle. This was how dissociation worked to help me survive. As each alter’s memories were told to Dr. Baer, and the pieces put together, they formed one complete, accurate memory, vivid in detail. There is no way that Dr. Baer could’ve supplied the content and pictures associated with these memories.

Dr. Baer chose to write our story years after I told him about my abuse. We decided together that our story was fascinating and unique, and ought to be told. I shared my story because I believe my journey of healing will help others complete their own journey.

Karen

Comment by Laquonda on August 1, 2008 8:24 pm

Dear Karen

How do you think your children were effected by you and your husbands illnesses?

Dear Laquonda,

I believe my children were affected more by my ex-husband’s alcoholism than my multiplicity. My alters were created to help me survive, keep us safe, and help me live as normal as possible. I never shared with them what happened to me as a child, or how my husband treated me. I never brought my past into their lives. That’s not to say that living with me had no ill affects.

I believe I was a good Mom. After my daughter read my story she told me she was amazed at what a great mom I’d been, despite what I went through. I know my son would agree. My children were happy and never once missed any event or practice, never were late for school, and always had all that they needed to feel loved and cared for. They never asked why I was a certain way; I was normal to them.

During my marriage my husband would become angry and verbally and physically abusive towards me. My children witnessed these moments and were frightened. My ex-husband’s alcoholism was hard on all of us. This wasn’t an everyday event, but it happened enough.

Once my children asked me why I saw Dr. Baer. I told them he was a heart doctor who was helping me stay happy and well. My alters vented in the safety of Dr. Baer’s office and not in front of my children at home. My alters protected my children, and never would let harm come to them.

Karen

Comment by Jennette on August 1, 2008 3:18 pm

Karen.

What a read! I couldn’t put this book down. I stayed up all night reading it through, it took me thirteen hours. I’ve never read a book like that before? I have hundreds of questions but will only ask three. Do you still have the same fears some of your alters had now that they are integrated, do you still fear clowns? second question, Can you feel and experience pain? third question, What does blind faith mean to you? I pray you are well these days. Lots of luck to you.

Jennette

Dear Jennette,

Thank you for your compliment! Regarding your question on fear, no, I don’t have the same fears as before because the fears that once plagued the alters were childhood fears that have matured into mere adult annoyances. I still don’t like clowns; I don’t think I ever will. With painted faces, how can you really know what the person behind the mask is thinking? My entire survival as a child depended on my abilty to be attuned to everyone around me, especially those who abused me. When the men with clown masks came to my house, I couldn’t “read” them, and prepare myself for what was to follow.

I believe it’s possible I have a higher the than usual pain tolerance. I can now feel pain that I once never could. And this doesn’t necessarily mean physical pain; I also now feel the emotional pain, too. I believe the pain from a broken heart, from being betrayed by my parents, is worse the than any physical pain I experienced while being abused.

In the book, I refer to blind faith as firmly believing and trusting in something for which there is no proof. I gave myself the opportunity to try something I never thought possible, one last chance to heal, a leap of faith, and asked God to help guide me. I made an unbreakable promise to Dr. Baer: complete trust. I shared the unbelievable truth about my past, even though I feared I wouldn’t be believed, and trusted him to help me. I had nothing to lose. I was already lost.

Thank you for your prayers and good wishes,

Karen

Comment by Jess on August 1, 2008 3:04 pm

Dear Karen,

In the book your alter Jensen built walls that he eventually took down. Now that you have integrated do you still wish to build walls? Can you explain what the walls meant to you past and present?

Jess

Dear Jess,

I believe my alter, Jensen, built walls to protect himself from abuse, from the other alters, and because he wanted to be alone. Eventually, Jensen built walls throughout our inner world to help keep the alters’ different emotions from spilling into one another, and to keep all secure. I believe the walls were meant for safety. Jensen started tearing down the walls that separated each alter as our therapy progressed. As we healed, the need for these walls disappeared.

Today, I still have thoughts of putting up walls, and these thoughts surprise me. I try to think of the phrase “putting up a wall” to mean “Wait A Little Longer!” During times of stress, or when the need for peace of mind consumes me, I use the “wait a little longer” thought to ease me through. This is especially important when I feel, at times, that I can’t go on. If I “wait a little longer”, this too shall pass.

Karen

Comment by Marius on July 30, 2008 10:07 pm

Karen,

I can act, and I am good at it. I read your book when it came out last April, was bored with my life, had time and coverage, needed someone to listen, and for entertainment decided to become a DID patient. It was fun for a bit, and lo and behold my therapist actually bought my act and diagnosed me with the disorder. I am disappointed. I thought shrinks were smart. My interest passed but my therapist is excited and this continues to amuze me. I have a problem. I feel guilty leading him on like this. I want to stop now. What would you do if you were me?

Dear Marius,

I’m not sure why you thought going to a therapist and pretending to have MPD/DID could be fun? Let me assure you, being a multiple is no fun. Sharing horrific memories of abuse and grief is not fun. Sure there may be funny moments, but living without knowing who you are isn’t fun. My days weren’t easy. I spent most of my time feeling suicidal, not knowing what I’d done, where I’d gone, and worrying about whether or not I’d done something terrible. I always felt sad and alone. My whole life was affected.

The therapeutic relationship Dr. Baer and I shared was built on respect, honesty and trust. Respecting your therapist, who is working to help you, and respecting yourself, is an important part of the therapeutic relationship. I’m not a therapist, but I would think you started therapy for a different reason than the one you told yourself, and not because you read my story and thought my condition would be entertaining.

If I were you, as you asked, I would come clean and tell your therapist you lied for attention. Then both of you could work together and get to the root of why you felt the need to do this in the first place. Another option is to start over with a new therapist, and being honest. Psychiatrists, psychotherapists, and other mental health workers are there to help you, if you wish to help yourself. It’s never too late to make things right. Please do. And try not to be ashamed of your true thoughts and feelings.

Take care of yourself.

Karen

Comment by John on July 28, 2008 12:05 pm

Hello Karen,

I never thought I’d ever read a book like yours, it was sitting there, my girlfriend was reading it and was absorbed by it. For days I watched her cry, laugh and exhaust herself with this book. I didn’t know what to say to her. I never seen her so emotional and had to read it too. I had to know what put her through such sorrow. How unselfish of you to tell your story. Thank you for letting Dr. Baer write this book. I never told anyone I also sometimes, experience suicidal thoughts. Your story was an awakening to another part of me that I was too ashamed to deal with. I started therapy three weeks ago, thanks to this book. My quesions to you are. Do you still feel suicidal when life hurts you? If you still do, what do you do now that you don’t have Dr. Baer or alter help? If these questions are too hard to answer, it’s okay not to. Thanks.

Dear John,

Thank you for being brave enough to ask this difficult question. And thank you for caring enough about your girlfriend’s feelings to pick up the book she was reading and read it for yourself. This shows that you indeed care about her and want to understand where she was coming from. I admire this in you. I am also glad to hear you recognized the need to seek help for yourself and started therapy. I wish you well.

To answer your questions regarding suicide. Yes, I do have thoughts of suicide, rarely, but once in a while. It’s inevitable after all I’ve been through. However, my thoughts have matured over time, and I have learned how to manage these thoughts the best I can. It’s hard work. I won’t lie. It takes time to learn the reasons behind these thoughts, come to understand them, and learn to accept them and deal with them. Please be patient in your own journey. I’ve learned in therapy from Dr. Baer that, “Thoughts are okay; actions are not.” Life does hurt at times. I survive by focusing on the immediate issue at hand that causes these hurtful feelings, talked it through, and ask for help when needed. Since all of my alters are now integrated within me, and I am one, all of their individual strengths and weaknessness are now a part of me. I have more strength than not. And when I feel weak, I know who to call for help.

Karen

Comment by Zac on July 25, 2008 3:52 pm

OMG! Your story intrigued me. How is it that there has not been a documentary done? Or is there? If not, are you planning one soon? If so, when?

Dear Zac,

Thank you for your compliment! It’s nice to hear that you are interested in hearing more. Dr. Baer and I have received inquiries regarding a documentary, but nothing definite yet. I am not sure if there’ll be one, but I am interested in sharing my story. It is my belief my story is not only one of inspiration and survival, but one of faith. All that I have gone through has made me who I am today. And I like the woman I’ve become. I am alive and well and believe by sharing my story, many will find the courage to complete their own journey towards healing.

Karen

Comment by Louis on July 25, 2008 3:56 pm

Read book. I admire your courage to tell your story. Can’t help but wonder how are your relationships with your children, ex husband and mother nowadays?

Dear Louis,

These are difficult questions for me to answer. My relationships with my children are doing well. They have encouraged me to share my story and have been a great support. My daughter has read the book and understands all that I’ve gone through. She has told me she is amazed that I was such a good mom despite all I went through. My son hasn’t read the book yet. He will in his own time. He is doing well, happy, and living his own life. I am proud of them both.

I haven’t heard from my ex-husband in many months. He has quit drinking, after a health scare, has attended AA meetings, and is working in another state. I don’t hate him. I want to wish him well.

I’ve accepted my mother for who she is, but will never forget the grief she caused me by ignoring me when I was a child. My mother and I have talked about some of the abuse I suffered, but she continues to play innocent, as if she didn’t know. I believe she knew. Since my father’s and grandfather’s deaths, she has changed somewhat. The abuse she suffered at their hands has also ended. However, it continues to be painful for me to engage in any conversations with her, so I don’t. For me, avoidance is best.

Karen

Comment by Confused Mom on July 22, 2008 7:55 pm

Karen,
Did you appear different? Did you have many friends? Were you withdrawn, distant or teased by classmates? I have a reason for asking. There is a 9 year old friend of my daughter that I believe is sexually abused. As I read your story, something hit me that she may also have MPD. Why didn’t your mother notice any signs you were being abused? Without proof, what can I do? Is it wise that I allow my daughter to befriend her? If my daughter shared her friends “secret” am I obligated to inform police?

Dear Confused Mom,

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice as a therapist. Yes, I appeared different because I was. I was afraid to get to close to anyone. Although I dissociated and appeared to act mostly normal, it was hard to hide the emotional distress I suffered. At school, I would daydream, lose time, faint, and I suffered severe, disabling headaches. I spent so much time in the principal’s office feeling ill that I became her student helper. The signs I exhibited were never investigated by teachers, the principal, and not by my mother or others who came into contact with me. My father and grandfather wouldn’t allow me to play at the homes of my classmates. My parents always had an excuse as to why I couldn’t go, saying that I was ill, had to watch my brothers, or was needed to help my grandparents with some chore that couldn’t wait. After a while, my classmates stopped asking.

It is my belief that my mother knew I was being abused but she’d never admit it. There had to be signs. I wasn’t always a happy child, and know I appeared withdrawn at times. There were signs, bruises that weren’t talked about, unexplained illnesses, and many moments of temporary forgetfulness.

If you really expect this girl is being sexually abused, you should tell your concerns to the police. They may or may not investigate, but in any case, they will have been alerted if there is a subsequent complaint. There could be other, less ominous reasons this girl appears different. She could be shy, never had a friend before, or has been sick. It’s not wise to jump to conclusions on your own. If she tells your daughter that someone is hurting her, or comes to trust and confide in you, then there may be more reason for concern.

Thank you for being vigilant about the safety of little girls; that’s why I wanted this book written.

Karen