Comment by Nicole S. on 15 Mar 2010 at 12:33 pm

dear karen,

sending you the hugs you didn’t receive from you know who before the end. i am in therapy and my therapist hugs me good-bye after each visit. i never took it the wrong way. and can’t see why dr. baer deprived you of something you would surely have felt in a good way. he may be a great doctor to you but to me if he cared he would have hugged you. do you feel hurt from him. you do know he has issues with people don’t you. any man doctor or not who can’t show affection has issues of his own. dont you agree

nicole s.

Dear Nicole,

Thank you for the hug! I truly appreciate your concern over Dr. Baer not giving me hugs during my therapeutic years. Dr. Baer felt his lack of hugging me was in my best interest. I disagree. Dr. Baer and I discussed the hugging issue many times and I still don’t see a problem with a simple act of kindness and compassion in the form of a hug. It was Dr. Baer’s issue, not mine.

Dr. Baer believed one hug would lead to another and I would want and require more. I believe he was wrong. I know myself and would not have wanted more from him. Dr. Baer was always a father figure to me. I trusted him and respected his decision not to hug me, but that didn’t erase the pain of rejection.

Dr. Baer has done more than anyone else has done for me, but it still hurts me to think about it. I believe Dr. Baer did the best he could to help me.

I’m glad to hear you have not suffered any ill effects from your therapist’s hugs. I believe if Dr. Baer hugged me and certain feelings arose, it would’ve been better to have dealt with those feelings in the safety of therapy.

Thank you for your questions and compliments.

Karen

Comment by Bess on 15 Mar 2010 at 12:18 pm

Hi Karen,

Powerfully breathtaking book… I found you on facebook, too! Thank you for allowing your story to be told.

Bess

Dear Bess,

I am glad you found me on Facebook, too! Facebook has opened up a whole new world for me. I’m fortunate to have met great new friends there. Sharing my story has given me reason to keep on going. It’s important for me to use my experiences to help encourage others while they travel their own path to wellness. I believe we all need each other in some way!

Thank you very much for your kind compliment.

Karen

Comment by Nicky on 11 Mar 2010 at 7:50 pm

Dear Karen

Thank you so much for answering my previous questions. I also agree with Sister Darlene, you are “God-sent”! I would love to have a book to read from your view point now, then maybe I would understand more of what my granddaughter is going through from her side. Do you remember how you thought and felt at or around age 5 in regards to your switching and losing time? I would like more insight into how it is for her. Also what would you think and feel when you switched and weren’t where you were last time you were out? Are all of them considered Alts or is there a main one or original one? She often says she feels weird. Do you know what she means by that? When you where her age did your Alts share what happened during the day with each other or was that when you got older? Did one or more of your Alts take responsibility for what another Alt did? At what age did your Alts get there individual names and how did that come about?

Thank you so much for helping me.

Nicky

Dear Nicky,

Thank you for your kind and encouraging thoughts about me writing my version of my story. That’s something I hope to do. A book from my point of view could be helpful for a better understanding on how I functioned on a daily basis as a multiple, a Mom, a wife, and a worker, all at the same time.

I remember a little about being five years old. I remember the abuse because it was traumatic and vividly committed to memory. I also remember being hospitalized for over a month and returning to my kindergarten class activities. My switching and losing time were dismissed as, “Well, Karen is sick again today.” I believe my switching became “normal” behavior for a returning sick child. At least that’s how the nuns and students treated me. The nuns questioned my behavior but assumed it was medically related to the aneurysm I had. I now believe it was dissociation and no one had the knowledge to recognize it.  I was often excused for illness.

Headaches were a constant part of my life, as well as nausea, trembling, and often appearing spaced out. No one took any of those signs seriously. I was being abused and everyone assumed I had some physical illness. My parents’ lies inhibited any action from being taken. The nuns simply prayed for me to get well. There were visible signs of my being abused, but all signs were ignored rather than acknowledged. That’s why I share my story, to bring knowledge and awareness to what can happen to an abused child.

A multiple switches when in danger, is threatened, or feels uncertain of herself. There is no way to know when switching will stop. For me, my switching stopped once my alters integrated and I no longer needed them to defend me. I was not one until integration was complete. I never believed there was one main part of me, just many parts of me.

I hope my answers help you understand the mindset of a child multiple, but please know I am not a therapist. Each multiple is unique. My experiences must not be compared to your granddaughter’s experiences or another multiple’s. It’s important that you never suggest names to your granddaughter, her alters will name themselves when they are ready or if they need to. You shouldn’t be an enabler of multiplicity. And never ask for alters by name, always address your granddaughter by her given name.

Wishing you a sense of calm while raising your grandchild.

All my best,

Karen

Comment by MJ on 11 Mar 2010 at 7:22 am

Hi Karen! So glad to have found you. Went to high school with you and you were one of the only nice people who didn’t treat me as a disabled person. You were my friend and respected me as if nothing was wrong with me. My being deaf never bothered you one bit. I knew you were being beaten, I saw your bruises freshman year, so sorry I wasn’t a better friend and did something. I teach the hearing impaired. I am proud of you for sharing your story. I know you help thousands of people every day. Once a kind heart, always a kind heart. May you be blessed forever more. Thank you for trusting me to read your story. It was powerful and truthful.

MJ

Dear MJ,

You were a great friend to me back in high school and I appreciate you never mentioning the bruises you saw. I always thought my bruises were hidden from view.  I dissociated all the abuse I suffered. If asked back then, I would not have been able to explain where my bruises came from.

When I make friends they are friends for life and the years that have separated us don’t mean anything. We will always be friends.

I am glad to hear you teach the hearing impaired. That’s the perfect job for the kind and patient woman you are. My best wishes for your continued success. And thank you for your honest feedback on my story. I’m glad I shared with you. I knew you would understand.

Karen

Comment by Keshia on 10 Mar 2010 at 8:10 am

It’s a good day, Karen.  Amazing me has just met amazing you through reading your story. I am blessed to find this blog. I sat up most of the night reading away and there’s more. Wisdom is your gift. I wish you happiness. I wish you love. Most of all I am honored to know another survivor. I myself survived child sexual abuse. I am not a multiple but your story helped me start my journey. Two and a half years ago I bought your book after seeing you on GMA. I doubt you know how many women started therapy after reading your story. I was one of them. Thank you for bringing a delicate shame out in the open for us to heal. I am getting better all the time. Today I woke thinking of you and said I need to write that woman, and here I am. Love you!!!!!!!!

Keshia

Dear Keshia,

Thank you so much for writing to me and sharing your thoughts two years after reading my story. I am always glad to hear stories such as yours. Sharing has given me purpose. I am touched by your kindness and glad to hear that reading my story has helped you start your own journey to wellness. That means so much to me. It’s always been my desire to encourage hope. 

Yes, we are survivors. And surviving multiplicity is only one step in coping with child sexual abuse. I admit it was difficult at first to share my story due to my own shame, but in my heart I knew without sharing the truth of my experiences, there would be no knowledge gained. It was important for me to share the reality of my journey to wellness. 

Thank you for all your compliments, for caring and for loving me. I truly feel blessed.

Karen

Comment by Autumn on 08 Mar 2010 at 6:55 pm

Dear Karen,

You simply are amazing. I just finished the book and I can hardly believe that just a little girl went through everything you did. And to have split yourself into seventeen to deal with it! You are remarkable. I hope you are enjoying your life with your children and I am glad that you are alive to this day.

Autumn

Dear Autumn,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and compliments! I truly appreciate hearing them! I am doing my best to enjoy my life. My children are remarkable. I am proud of them for staying true to themselves and finding their own happiness. I’m happy to be alive and well. There was a time I never thought to see this day…each day is a miracle to me. I am blessed.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Camille on 07 Mar 2010 at 3:50 pm

Karen,

If you were given one wish for a material item what would it be? You are amazing and deserve the best but never ask for anything in return. You give of yourself everyday here, on facebook and in person. I was fortunate to have met you once. Please don’t be angry that my Mom told me who you are.
You are such a kind person. What do you hope for? If you won the lottery what would you do? I can’t stop thinking of you. I have been blessed by knowing you. Please don’t ever change who you are.

Camille

Dear Camille,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and caring for me. I’m not angry that your Mom revealed who I am. I respect your Mom and she has been very supportive to me for many years.

I never think in a materialistic way. I don’t enjoy diamonds or expensive things when knowing so many need help. My needs have always been for love, kindness, support, and freedom from abuse. If I had to think of something material I would like to have I’d have to say a new computer of my own.

I’ve never owned my own computer, but have worked using hand me downs from my brother, my son, and even Dr. Baer. I’ve always been grateful to receive someone else’s old computer.  But I’ve always dreamt of someday owning my own. Sadly, someone else’s old computer never lasts long. With so many people to answer online, my frustration over slow and non-functioning computers is constant.

If I won the lottery I would probably travel the world, and not just to sight see. I would visit troubled countries to help in my own special way. I have been given a chance to live and would love to share with those who may also need the type of help I once needed.

Thank you for reading my story, thinking of me, and for your blessings. I hope never to change the heart of who I am. I am blessed to be here and hope to bless those I come to know with kindness, love and support.

Karen

Comment by C. Bennett on 07 Mar 2010 at 2:06 pm

Dear Karen,

Questions regarding hypnosis: I am a student studying your case. I read your story and am more than curious about Dr. Baer’s treatment with hypnosis. What was your experience of being hypnotised like? Were you highly suggestible? Did you ever think Dr. Baer mistreated you while you were under hypnosis? What if Dr. Baer suggested your multiple personality disorder to make for an interesting outline for the book? How much do you recall while under hypnosis? How would you know if he was respectful and didn’t suggest your memories? Did Dr. Baer ever perform electric shock treatments on you? Were you drugged with a mild sedative before a hypnosis session? How did you prepare yourself? Hypnosis is a fascination of mine. Can Dr. Baer hypnotise you today, if you were sitting together in a room? If he can, do you trust him enough not to fall for it? Can Dr. Baers voice trigger you into a hypnotic trance? Could Dr. Baer manipulate your thoughts?

What we learn about memory is memory is not. Not a video. How is it that you remember so much? Would you allow anyone else to hypnotise you? What if your memory was artifically impregnated by Dr. Baer? Were your repressed memories implanted? Can you describe what it felt like to use hypnosis therapy? Would you recommend it to other patients? How do you know hypnosis was important to your healing?

Sorry for so many questions but theres so much to learn from you. I believe your case to be genuine but my thoughts question hynosis in general. I mean when in a trance like state aren’t you more vulnerable? I believe in you. I want to learn more.

Thank you.

C. Bennett

Alaska

Dear C. Bennett,

WOW! So many questions!  I’ll try my best to answer some of them, but I’m not a hypnotist and can’t explain hypnosis. First of all, I would never fall for anyone hypnotizing me against my will. For me, being hypnotized was similar to switching alters; they’re both a form of dissociation. In hypnosis I would slip into a guided calm relaxed state of mind. When my alters switched, there would also be a similar pause and sense of calm before the switch was complete. Sometimes I wonder if a multiple’s switch from one alter to another is a form of self-hypnosis.

Dr. Baer never mistreated me or suggested the creation of my alters under hypnosis. My alters were born long before I met Dr. Baer. When Dr. Baer and I first discussed using hypnotherapy the alters had already been communicating with Dr. Baer for some time through letters.  One fear I had was that he would become overwhelmed with all that came out. I feared once he heard the truth, he would stop treating us. I already knew I lost time. I didn’t understand why. I knew there were many things that happened I couldn’t explain. I also knew I was holding back on sharing to protect Dr. Baer from getting ill while treating me. I thought my story would be too much for him.

The book, Switching Time, was never discussed until the near end of my therapy, after all the alters had been integrated. There was never any reason for me to believe Dr. Baer was taking advantage of me for any book. Dr. Baer never used sedatives or electric shock treatments on me. I would’ve known if Dr. Baer was disrespectful while I was under his care. He wasn’t. I have no recall of any wrongdoing by Dr. Baer.

There is no preparation that I know of for hypnosis. It happens only when agreed upon beforehand. No one, including Dr. Baer, could hypnotize me without my permission and knowledge.  Hypnosis takes the patient’s willingness to be hypnotized and the doctor’s skill in performing hypnosis. The setting must be calm and with no interference. Dr. Baer never manipulated my thoughts under hypnosis. No new memories were created under hypnosis.

Dr. Baer’s voice was soothing to me. Hearing his voice calmed me, but not hypnotically. Dr. Baer could hypnotize me again if I allowed him to, but that won’t happen because I am no longer his patient. I doubt there will ever be another reason for me to be hypnotized.

Hypnosis was important to my healing because it helped me understand the chaos within me. Hypnosis help free me, helped my alters relax, communicate with Dr. Baer, and gain strength to heal, helped me understand my dark thoughts and to acknowledge and recognize the truth within me.

Thank you for your challenging questions and for believing in me.

Karen

Comment by Sister Darlene on 06 Mar 2010 at 10:19 pm

Karen,

Thank you for all the time and effort you put into every answer on your blog. You mention often Dr. Baer was God-sent. Maybe so, but you my dear are God-sent. It’s you who have done all the work, not exactly Dr. Baer who you allowed to accompany you. You are the bravest woman I ever read about. Dr. Baer was lucky you chose him to share your story. I know you admire him, and you should but please remember he would never be where he is if it weren’t for you. It takes two in a relationship to make things work. God didn’t just put him in your life. God put you in his life. He needed you more than you needed him. God knows best! Good luck to you and Dr. Baer for a wonderful future. I am in favor of our good Lord’s work. The both of you are blessed to know each other. A once in a lifetime miracle for the both of you.

Sister Darlene

Dear Sister Darlene,

Thank you for your thoughts on my journey to healing with Dr. Baer’s help. I’m not sure how to explain my therapeutic relationship with Dr. Baer. What I do know for sure is that I needed guidance. It’s true, my alters were created to help me survive, but their help turned into chaos as I grew into an adult. The alters’ help was no longer needed in the same way as when I was young and caused interference in my daily life. I could not function. I felt suicidal all the time. I hated not knowing why I lost time. I hated having severe disabling headaches and nightmares. I hated carrying so much unexplainable pain every day. I needed help from the outside of me.

I believe there is a reason for everything, and meeting Dr. Baer at the time I did was meant to be. But fate doesn’t allow for such intense relationships to succeed without hard work on both sides. I could not heal on my own and felt stuck. Dr. Baer couldn’t treat me if I weren’t willing to help him and participate in my healing. My story isn’t just a book, it’s about encouraging hope through sharing my story.

I know Dr. Baer and I are blessed.  And, yes, we both were lucky to work together. Thank you for believing and for your well wishes and blessings.

Karen

Comment by Professor James on 04 Mar 2010 at 10:46 am

Karen,

Would you say your abuse was fueled by your father and grandfather’s religious beliefs or by a crooked misleading catholic priest? To be abused in God’s name must have torn you apart. What can you suggest to people who feel tested by their own faith? I find your personal experience great input to a delicate spiritual matter. I believe your survival to be a true miracle. One God. How did you recover? Where does your faith come from? What have you experienced at a higher level than most of us here on earth? God is with you.

Professor James

Dear Professor James,

I believe it was primarily my grandfather and the Catholic priest, who knew each other before my father’s birth, who were responsible for my abuse.  As my father grew up, he was groomed to join in, and did so to receive his father’s praise and attention. The priest did not abuse me himself, but he watched my being abused and condoned it. He turned his back on me, which to me felt the same as being abused. As a child, I believed all that happened to me was because God ordered it.

Being abused under God’s name did tear me apart as a child, but not since I learned that I was abused. When a child is born into routine abuse, as I was, it is simply an everyday event. I never heard anyone discuss child sexual abuse. I never knew that I was being abused until I was a freshman in high school. Of course I knew what was happening to me was terrible, and my mind created alters to help me survive, but I didn’t know it was unusual; I thought all girls suffered this way. I couldn’t comprehend my experiences as abuse.

It’s hard to explain how to find faith after being abused. It just happened. I drew my strength from good people I met along the way. Somehow I knew within me what I needed in order to survive. I found kindness in a few people and modeled myself after them. I can’t explain.

I believe I survived to share my story. I admit, my faith was tested time and again, but at the end of each day I knew my job here on earth wasn’t finished. I survived for a reason.   I’m wise enough to know not to question God. I’ve accepted that there are no answers. I am simply grateful to be alive and well.

God is with all of us.

Karen