Comment by Sally on 09 Jan 2010 at 6:07 pm

do u see dr baer, if not do you see anyone? . i cant imagine he would just let you and you think you are suddenly FINE

Dear Sally,

Yes, Dr. Baer and I get together every now and then to chat. We keep in touch though he is no longer my therapist. Dr. Baer and I maintain a respectful friendship and we continue to work together to share our story. I admit I’ve felt there were times when I’ve needed a bit of extra help. Realistically, I may always need someone to listen and hear me out at times. I’ve been through an exhausting life-changing journey to heal. I continue to do the best I can to manage life on my own. At times when I start to fall a bit from feeling overwhelmed or sad, I’ve learned how to recognize my own personal warning signs and ask for help. I am no longer in therapy but if I ever need it again, I will talk it over with Dr. Baer first, and most likely see someone else, since Dr. Baer is no longer in practice.

Thank you for caring, I am one woman trying to take care of myself.

Karen

Comment by Paulette on 09 Jan 2010 at 10:02 am

My friend and I purchased Switching Time because we needed hope that someday she will be one person. We are in Kansas City, Mo. We need help. She was diognosted at Two Rivers, given a lot of medicine then released. Her life is starting to crash around her ears. I feel like this is a race against the clock. She keeps saying it’s so loud, she is about to lose her job. If you know of anyone that could help in our area please let me know.

Dear Paulette,

Thank you for purchasing Switching Time in hope to help your friend and to gain knowledge and awareness of multiplicity. You sound like great friends and believe me I know it’s hard to befriend a multiple.

Since I am not a qualified therapist, Dr. Baer has sent suggestions to you in a separate email how to find a therapist in your area. Personally, I never could function on psych medication so I couldn’t take them. But that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s no appropriate medication to treat a multiple. Only a qualified psychiatrist trained in dealing with multiplicity can correctly medicate your friend. Please seek help as soon as possible.

Wishing you and your friend all my best for a safe journey to healing.

Karen

Comment by Cheryl on 08 Jan 2010 at 5:44 pm

I just wanted to stop by to tell you that Switching Time was one of the most captivating books I have ever read. I could not put your story down from page 1. You are a remarkable woman, Karen. You will remain in my thoughts for many years to come. You have accomplished “rebirth” in a sense. I wish you all the joy & happiness that your new life has to offer. You surely deserve it.

Dear Cheryl,

I am overwhelmed by your kindness, I don’t know what to say, other than you have touched me and made me smile! In reading your well wishes and enthusiasm I felt happy to share my story. They came at a perfect time.

Rebirth, yes, a nice word to use and meaningful to me.

Thank you so much! I wish you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Norm Quantz on 08 Jan 2010 at 2:56 pm

Hi Karen,

Thanks for contacting me on my blog. I am looking forward to reading your book soon.

The comments on your blog give tangible evidence of the help you are to so many. Thank you for your gift of love by sharing your life.

Warmly, Norm

Dear Norm,

Thank you kindly for your compliments! I would love to hear your thoughts when you finish reading my story. I am interested in hearing more of your work on multiplicty. Since integration of my alters I have found myself interested in learning more. I never compare myself to others. I believe each multiple is unique. And I most certainly have the desire, along with Dr. Baer, to bring knowledge, awareness and truth to an incomprehensible illness.

I will continue to encourage hope through sharing my story.

Have a great day!

Karen

Comment by HJK MD on 08 Jan 2010 at 2:43 pm

Dear Karen,

I am a therapist treating a mpd patient for the last five years. I admire your quest but have concerns over your well being. Do you receive your own mental health maintenance now that you have healed? It is very important for you to receive emotional support. If not, you WILL burn out! I read most of your blog answers, you are answering each question with much intensity. You are a very intelligent woman. But realistically, there are side effects to being overly compassionate to many people in need. It is my understanding per your stating so that you are not a trained therapist. I myself have learned much more from your answers than any medical text book. Is Richard Baer providing support? Are you addressing your own needs? Who is caring for you, Karen? What you are providing is HUGE? Do not second guess yourself. If you start to feel as if you are feeling fatigued, address it. Thank you for providing such excellence on multiple personality disorder. I have recommended Switching Time to my colleagues.

HJK MD

Baltimore

Dear Dr. HJK,

Thank you for your concerns over my well-being. I appreciate hearing from you and understand why it may appear that I could be in distress answering questions and giving freely of myself. I take my time and have learned how to manage my emotions as I share my story. Being once a multiple with seventeen alters has in some way created a very efficient desire within me to reach out and share. It’s my purpose. As a multiple I was used to constantly switching in order to maintain my sanity and composure. My alters have all integrated within me, but my way of coping in life is the same. I keep going. I know when to stop. And I most certainly know when it’s time to seek an opinion, help, or quick talk with Dr. Baer. Of course, there are days when I’m exhausted, but so is everyone else in this world. I try to pace myself and know where to find help when I need it. For me, answering questions here on my blog is fulfilling. I do not despair over the amount of questions coming in. I read them, answer them, and cherish them.

Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and compliments, and especially for sharing that you have learned much more from my answers than from any medical text book. That makes me smile. Also, thank you for sharing Switching Time with your colleagues. I will continue to be my best self. I will take your advice and pay attention to my needs.  I am especially grateful to be able to provide help to those who hurt based on my experiences as an abused woman and multiple.

Karen

Comment by Eddie on 08 Jan 2010 at 2:15 pm

What was the music and singer that you listened to when you was little? I read somewhere you found comfort in music? whose? You are someone who can teach people survival. I think you are helpful. Thanks.

Dear Eddie,

You are right, I did find comfort in music growing up and still do today. As a child I loved the soothing voices of many singers as long as they didn’t scream or sound gruff. I couldn’t handle much anxiety and longed to hear kind masculine voices to replace the sound of my father’s voice in my head. I would drown out my father’s voice with Elvis Presley, Neil Diamond, and other music my father hated. I loved when my father left for work and my mother played her records all day long; Engelbert Humperdink, Tom Jones, Elvis Presley, Bobby Sherman, Neil Diamond, Johnny Mathis and many others. I also loved my own records, Donny Osmond, David Cassidy and The Jackson Five, which I kept hidden under my mattress. My father would sometimes destroy my records. I learned to lose myself in most music, especially if meaningful words were sung. I believe I memorized every song I liked and then played them in my mind, a welcomed distraction.

Thank you for your question.

Karen

Comment by Layla on 08 Jan 2010 at 11:07 am

Hi Karen,

After all that you’ve been through you are wise and committed to helping people. I read your book and you are a hero to me. I do understand that life isn’t perfect for those like us who have suffered abuse but in your opinion or in your fantasies how would you describe the perfect union of husband wife, partners, parents raising children, etc? What would you like to see in people? How can people understand what they do not know? How can relationships marriages stay strong these days? What happened to love respect and all that stuff?

Layla, Detroit, MI

Dear Layla,

Very tough and interesting questions! Does anyone really know the secret to a healthy, happy relationship filled with trust, hope, love, faith, and respect? I have no real answer to your questions but have thoughts, fantasies, and desires for a sense of calm for each of us. Peace in our lives is my dream.

I believe each relationship, whether in marriage or friendship, needs to start with trust. In marriage, I believe that at the end of each day the only person you should want to see and talk with is your best friend, your spouse. Staying connected, being there for each other, unconditional love, and respect for each other’s desires and wishes is most important. I’ve never experienced such desires, but I hope to some day.

I once thought that the secret to a successful union was tolerance. That was before I learned about love. I believe when you love someone you carry them with you in your heart all the time, and that you smile for no reason for a few moments time and again throughout each day when the person crosses your mind. Feeling loved provides one with all the strength needed to live.

In response to your question: What happened to love, respect and all that stuff? It’s there. You just need to find it and treasure it when you do. Never allow someone to hurt you. Always remember that to be able to love and be loved you need to love yourself first.

Thank you for your compliments!

Karen

Comment by Chessie on 07 Jan 2010 at 4:20 pm

Dear Karen,

I hate myself. I told the best guy in the world to f-off because while we were doing it I remember being raped by my father. I felt sick sick sick and told him he didn’t perform right. I called him names and demeaned him when it was me. I saw my father in him. How did that happen Karen? How did that happen? I am twenty two years old want to get married met the man of my dreams refrained from sex for over a year and insult him on the first time. What kind of f-upped woman does that Karen? Tell me if you had such experiences while doing it before and during marriage after being raped? I hurt this guy. I don’t know what to do now. This happened on New Years. We thought it would be a day a special meaning. Now New Years will bring bad memories. I ruined it. Dum Dumb. Dumb. That’s what I am. I thought I could. We planned everything out to be romantic. Wine, cheese, candles, nice motel, the works. I hurt so bad today. It’s been six days now and my guy friend tried calling me over a dozen times. I can’t answer him. I know you can’t answer me fast enough but writing to you helps. You inspire me to do something. I wish I could call you. What should I do? I read your story and follow you on Twitter even though you never change anything. I read your blog it’s comforting to know you’re there.

Desperate Idiot Living in Hell on Earth Waiting For Forgiveness For Treating My Man Horrible. Crazy Fool of a Woman.

Chessie in Tennesse

Dear Chessie,

I’m so sorry that your special day was ruined, but I believe you can change that.  Apologize.  I’m not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion I believe ignoring what had happened by not returning your friend’s calls won’t help. I know it may sound crazy but be truthful, tell him that it wasn’t him, share in part but not all. Seek help and discuss your experience with a therapist before making any decisions that you may later regret. I understand the chaos you are feeling at this time. Perhaps what you experienced may have been festering beneath the surface for some time. Something triggered that night. With flashbacks of rape, no wonder that wonderful moment was terrifying for you and misunderstood by him.

I’m not sure whether my thoughts will be of help, but my first time, after being repeatedly abused for years, was difficult, too. I dissociated most if it and dared not tell the man I loved. I apologized, but he could tell something wasn’t quite right from the start and we talked it through, not that night, but a few weeks later. The fact that your friend has been trying to reach you for nearly a week shows that he must care about you. Be as honest as you can without going into detail. I never shared the details of my abuse early on. It takes time to heal, but if he loves you, as I suspect he does, he will encourage you seek help and support you along your journey.

It sounds to me that you had great hope and love for this man. I admire you for all the precautions you took and waiting to make that first night special for the both of you. That’s very romantic. Your friend knows the effort you made for that night. You refrained from intercourse for a year to be sure of what you heart desired was true. You built trust with him, planned everything for a beautiful first time, and tried your best to feel good about your decision to move forward in your relationship. Sounds like this man is a very special man that you really want to love and receive love from in return. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. You were once a victim. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. The man who loves you will understand that.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen

Comment by I’m Still Standing on 07 Jan 2010 at 6:49 am

Dear Karen,

Another person posted a question to you about how you were able to know the difference between real and imaginary while trying to live in reality. I loved your answer that you chose not to pretend that you were fine and nothing had happened to you and you gained so much in facing your reality and your past. I struggle with pretending, myself. I am a survivor of some extreme abuse, but I have no evidence that it really happened other than the marks it has left on my psyche. I had amnesia about it all until about 20 years ago when I began having flashbacks (The flashbacks sometimes came with a different sense of self.). I have been in therapy and healing ever since. My therapists have believed me, but my family denies that any of it happened. I still go in and out of minimizing it/pretending to myself that it never happened. My life as an adult is so different than my childhood. I am not around abusive people or that kind of trauma any more. Sometimes I feel inside myself such a profound disconnection between past and present circumstances and pain. It seems memories, feelings, different senses of selves are frozen inside and I keep it all locked there, no longer needed today. Perhaps this feels emotionally safer to me, but the internal disconnection is interfering with my quality of life now. I often feel empty inside, especially when stressed. It seems “I” go away and what is left is an empty shell. Sometimes when tired or stressed I hear snippets of conversations in my head. It feels like other parts of myself talking to one another about which one is going to perform some abstract task behind the scenes in my psyche. Usually my conscious mind is not able to hold on to the content of these conversations. Years ago with a different therapist, I would share time with a child part of myself. The adult part of me was always there too. I never lose time or find things I don’t remember acquiring. Nor do I have any other symptoms of multiplicity. When I try to talk about these other senses of self in therapy I have felt my experience has been either dismissed or misunderstood. Currently, my therapists and psychiatrist think I could be suffering from delusions that anti-psychotic medication could cure. I find it difficult not to get lost in confusion and fear. It is hard to hold on to my truths in the face of lack of external evidence, therapists who don’t seem to get it and most of all a desire to pretend in order to keep myself emotionally safe. I know you are not a therapist and cannot tell me whether I have some form of MPD. I would just like to read your comments as someone who has been on your own journey with this sort of thing.

Dear I’m Still Standing,

Thank you for sharing your story. I understand. I also felt confused about my past and how to handle the bits of memory, or lack of memory, that caused my dark thoughts and feelings. It’s difficult to maintain inner peace without the knowledge of what may have happened.

During my early years in therapy, I did not recall all the details of what happened to me because it was all was fragmented and distributed among my many alters. Each alter held a part of each episode of abuse, causing my inability to initially remember one whole single attack.

I believe the marks left on your psyche are your evidence. If you are experiencing ill feelings and have felt the pain of the past, chances are you are temporarily being spared the memory. In my case, as I focused and began to let myself recall my fractured past, the memories came flooding back.  Feelings are real and no one can change the way you feel. No one but you has felt your pain. Trust yourself.  You need a patient therapist who lets you explore this, but doesn’t try to force it.

I started having flashbacks after the birth of my daughter at 23. Before that I had small flashbacks that I dismissed. But I always felt something wasn’t right.  Like you, I would hear snippets of conversation that were coming from within me, not from the outside. At the time I’d never heard of multiplicity and was afraid to share for many reasons.

I am glad to hear you are not surrounded by abusive people. That’s incredible! I’ve found myself a magnet for dysfunctional people until I learned in therapy that I was drawing them towards me by having low self-esteem and unconsciously carrying the guilt of being a sexual abuse victim. I was never aware of these actions until I recognized them.

I understand how your family denies all that happened. My family did the same. I never shared my story with my own mother. I tried, but I was unheard; she acknowledged some abuse but felt there was no point in dragging it all up. My mother never understood, though she’d never admit it.

I can’t advise you on whether medication is right for you. As you already know, I’m not a therapist and can’t give advice. Medication never worked for me. In my opinion, based on my own personal experience, I can’t see anti-psychotic medication helping a multiple. I admit, there were a few times I needed to calm down, and for those times Dr. Baer prescribed Xanax, to take as needed, though I rarely took one.

What worked for me was decided between myself and Dr. Baer. My symptoms of impaired recall, switching, lost time, alter interference, and inner system functioning were unique to me. I believe your therapists will learn in time what may work in your therapy.

Wishing you a safe journey to discovering what happened to you so that you can put your ill feelings behind you. May you step out of your past and continue to live your future abuse free. Please know that there are reasons for all that you are feeling. If your past trauma is meant to be known, the memories will surface again.

Karen

Comment by Olga on 05 Jan 2010 at 8:06 pm

Dear Karen,

You are a remarkable human being. You are likely the ultimate “survivor.” You were lucky to have met another who was selfless and generous in treating you — a true Doctor, so infrequent in our world. Without your insight (despite being broken up in the beginning), however, this may not have been possible. I read the book and rejoiced at the birth of a new human being, one that can start anew and has the will and heart to open up to others.

All the best to you and thank you for allowing your story to be told.

Olga N., MD

Dear Dr. Olga,

You’re welcome! Thank you for sharing! You have touched me with your kind thoughts. I agree, Dr. Baer and I made a great team! I believe there is a reason for everything and that our meeting was meant to be. I doubt I would be here now sharing from my heart if it weren’t for the care Dr. Baer provided. I often wondered how it was possible to have found the right therapist to accompany me on my journey to heal myself. I was lucky.

I admit, therapy wasn’t easy in the beginning, but we both worked hard and learned from each other. I am grateful Dr. Baer didn’t give up on me early on. I was a mess. Dr. Baer unconditionally cared for me and in turn we were able to share our journey. I was fortunate to land to good hands, and Dr. Baer was blessed with receiving his most difficult yet inspirational challenge, treating me. I am forever grateful for all that Dr. Baer has done for me.

Thank you!

Karen