Comment by Camille on 07 Mar 2010 at 3:50 pm

Karen,

If you were given one wish for a material item what would it be? You are amazing and deserve the best but never ask for anything in return. You give of yourself everyday here, on facebook and in person. I was fortunate to have met you once. Please don’t be angry that my Mom told me who you are.
You are such a kind person. What do you hope for? If you won the lottery what would you do? I can’t stop thinking of you. I have been blessed by knowing you. Please don’t ever change who you are.

Camille

Dear Camille,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and caring for me. I’m not angry that your Mom revealed who I am. I respect your Mom and she has been very supportive to me for many years.

I never think in a materialistic way. I don’t enjoy diamonds or expensive things when knowing so many need help. My needs have always been for love, kindness, support, and freedom from abuse. If I had to think of something material I would like to have I’d have to say a new computer of my own.

I’ve never owned my own computer, but have worked using hand me downs from my brother, my son, and even Dr. Baer. I’ve always been grateful to receive someone else’s old computer.  But I’ve always dreamt of someday owning my own. Sadly, someone else’s old computer never lasts long. With so many people to answer online, my frustration over slow and non-functioning computers is constant.

If I won the lottery I would probably travel the world, and not just to sight see. I would visit troubled countries to help in my own special way. I have been given a chance to live and would love to share with those who may also need the type of help I once needed.

Thank you for reading my story, thinking of me, and for your blessings. I hope never to change the heart of who I am. I am blessed to be here and hope to bless those I come to know with kindness, love and support.

Karen

Comment by C. Bennett on 07 Mar 2010 at 2:06 pm

Dear Karen,

Questions regarding hypnosis: I am a student studying your case. I read your story and am more than curious about Dr. Baer’s treatment with hypnosis. What was your experience of being hypnotised like? Were you highly suggestible? Did you ever think Dr. Baer mistreated you while you were under hypnosis? What if Dr. Baer suggested your multiple personality disorder to make for an interesting outline for the book? How much do you recall while under hypnosis? How would you know if he was respectful and didn’t suggest your memories? Did Dr. Baer ever perform electric shock treatments on you? Were you drugged with a mild sedative before a hypnosis session? How did you prepare yourself? Hypnosis is a fascination of mine. Can Dr. Baer hypnotise you today, if you were sitting together in a room? If he can, do you trust him enough not to fall for it? Can Dr. Baers voice trigger you into a hypnotic trance? Could Dr. Baer manipulate your thoughts?

What we learn about memory is memory is not. Not a video. How is it that you remember so much? Would you allow anyone else to hypnotise you? What if your memory was artifically impregnated by Dr. Baer? Were your repressed memories implanted? Can you describe what it felt like to use hypnosis therapy? Would you recommend it to other patients? How do you know hypnosis was important to your healing?

Sorry for so many questions but theres so much to learn from you. I believe your case to be genuine but my thoughts question hynosis in general. I mean when in a trance like state aren’t you more vulnerable? I believe in you. I want to learn more.

Thank you.

C. Bennett

Alaska

Dear C. Bennett,

WOW! So many questions!  I’ll try my best to answer some of them, but I’m not a hypnotist and can’t explain hypnosis. First of all, I would never fall for anyone hypnotizing me against my will. For me, being hypnotized was similar to switching alters; they’re both a form of dissociation. In hypnosis I would slip into a guided calm relaxed state of mind. When my alters switched, there would also be a similar pause and sense of calm before the switch was complete. Sometimes I wonder if a multiple’s switch from one alter to another is a form of self-hypnosis.

Dr. Baer never mistreated me or suggested the creation of my alters under hypnosis. My alters were born long before I met Dr. Baer. When Dr. Baer and I first discussed using hypnotherapy the alters had already been communicating with Dr. Baer for some time through letters.  One fear I had was that he would become overwhelmed with all that came out. I feared once he heard the truth, he would stop treating us. I already knew I lost time. I didn’t understand why. I knew there were many things that happened I couldn’t explain. I also knew I was holding back on sharing to protect Dr. Baer from getting ill while treating me. I thought my story would be too much for him.

The book, Switching Time, was never discussed until the near end of my therapy, after all the alters had been integrated. There was never any reason for me to believe Dr. Baer was taking advantage of me for any book. Dr. Baer never used sedatives or electric shock treatments on me. I would’ve known if Dr. Baer was disrespectful while I was under his care. He wasn’t. I have no recall of any wrongdoing by Dr. Baer.

There is no preparation that I know of for hypnosis. It happens only when agreed upon beforehand. No one, including Dr. Baer, could hypnotize me without my permission and knowledge.  Hypnosis takes the patient’s willingness to be hypnotized and the doctor’s skill in performing hypnosis. The setting must be calm and with no interference. Dr. Baer never manipulated my thoughts under hypnosis. No new memories were created under hypnosis.

Dr. Baer’s voice was soothing to me. Hearing his voice calmed me, but not hypnotically. Dr. Baer could hypnotize me again if I allowed him to, but that won’t happen because I am no longer his patient. I doubt there will ever be another reason for me to be hypnotized.

Hypnosis was important to my healing because it helped me understand the chaos within me. Hypnosis help free me, helped my alters relax, communicate with Dr. Baer, and gain strength to heal, helped me understand my dark thoughts and to acknowledge and recognize the truth within me.

Thank you for your challenging questions and for believing in me.

Karen

Comment by Sister Darlene on 06 Mar 2010 at 10:19 pm

Karen,

Thank you for all the time and effort you put into every answer on your blog. You mention often Dr. Baer was God-sent. Maybe so, but you my dear are God-sent. It’s you who have done all the work, not exactly Dr. Baer who you allowed to accompany you. You are the bravest woman I ever read about. Dr. Baer was lucky you chose him to share your story. I know you admire him, and you should but please remember he would never be where he is if it weren’t for you. It takes two in a relationship to make things work. God didn’t just put him in your life. God put you in his life. He needed you more than you needed him. God knows best! Good luck to you and Dr. Baer for a wonderful future. I am in favor of our good Lord’s work. The both of you are blessed to know each other. A once in a lifetime miracle for the both of you.

Sister Darlene

Dear Sister Darlene,

Thank you for your thoughts on my journey to healing with Dr. Baer’s help. I’m not sure how to explain my therapeutic relationship with Dr. Baer. What I do know for sure is that I needed guidance. It’s true, my alters were created to help me survive, but their help turned into chaos as I grew into an adult. The alters’ help was no longer needed in the same way as when I was young and caused interference in my daily life. I could not function. I felt suicidal all the time. I hated not knowing why I lost time. I hated having severe disabling headaches and nightmares. I hated carrying so much unexplainable pain every day. I needed help from the outside of me.

I believe there is a reason for everything, and meeting Dr. Baer at the time I did was meant to be. But fate doesn’t allow for such intense relationships to succeed without hard work on both sides. I could not heal on my own and felt stuck. Dr. Baer couldn’t treat me if I weren’t willing to help him and participate in my healing. My story isn’t just a book, it’s about encouraging hope through sharing my story.

I know Dr. Baer and I are blessed.  And, yes, we both were lucky to work together. Thank you for believing and for your well wishes and blessings.

Karen

Comment by Professor James on 04 Mar 2010 at 10:46 am

Karen,

Would you say your abuse was fueled by your father and grandfather’s religious beliefs or by a crooked misleading catholic priest? To be abused in God’s name must have torn you apart. What can you suggest to people who feel tested by their own faith? I find your personal experience great input to a delicate spiritual matter. I believe your survival to be a true miracle. One God. How did you recover? Where does your faith come from? What have you experienced at a higher level than most of us here on earth? God is with you.

Professor James

Dear Professor James,

I believe it was primarily my grandfather and the Catholic priest, who knew each other before my father’s birth, who were responsible for my abuse.  As my father grew up, he was groomed to join in, and did so to receive his father’s praise and attention. The priest did not abuse me himself, but he watched my being abused and condoned it. He turned his back on me, which to me felt the same as being abused. As a child, I believed all that happened to me was because God ordered it.

Being abused under God’s name did tear me apart as a child, but not since I learned that I was abused. When a child is born into routine abuse, as I was, it is simply an everyday event. I never heard anyone discuss child sexual abuse. I never knew that I was being abused until I was a freshman in high school. Of course I knew what was happening to me was terrible, and my mind created alters to help me survive, but I didn’t know it was unusual; I thought all girls suffered this way. I couldn’t comprehend my experiences as abuse.

It’s hard to explain how to find faith after being abused. It just happened. I drew my strength from good people I met along the way. Somehow I knew within me what I needed in order to survive. I found kindness in a few people and modeled myself after them. I can’t explain.

I believe I survived to share my story. I admit, my faith was tested time and again, but at the end of each day I knew my job here on earth wasn’t finished. I survived for a reason.   I’m wise enough to know not to question God. I’ve accepted that there are no answers. I am simply grateful to be alive and well.

God is with all of us.

Karen

Comment by Chelsea on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:04 pm

Hi Karen,

Do you still think of suicide? I do. In hearing about Marie Osmonds son jumping from the balcony of his apartment to his death my thought was now he is at peace from the pain he suffered unseen. I am18 like Michael was. I am a teen trying to appear perfect for my parents. I have embarrassed them a few times and promised to behave. But reality is tough. Why bother when there aren’t enough jobs for our parents. Who will hire us? Why should we try hard to fail? I know your older than me but do you ever think of giving up? I am not suicidal but every time I hear another movie star or teen dying I get sad and think about it again. In my 4 years of high school six students I knew committed suicide. Don’t you think somethings wrong with this picture? Your book helped me through some possible reasons why people suicide. I was searching for answers to help a friend who I thought was like you. She was not and said she lied about everything to get a lot of our friends attention before she suicided. As friends we should have told someone, we assumed she was lying when she told us what she was going to do. I read your book too late. I was of no help whatsoever. How sad your life was. If you chose to suicide now what would your reason be?

Chelsea

Seattle

Dear Chelsea,

Many thought filled questions! I hear you and understand your concerns. I’m sorry for your loss. I feel very sad myself for all those who suicide before realizing there is help available. How sad that your friend chose suicide as a way out of her temporary troubles when life can be so much better later on!  Dr. Baer has often said to me suicide only seems like a reasonable thing when you can’t see into your own future. Sometimes that’s hard to do that at eighteen.  How do you know what life will be like when you’re 26?  But there’s so much ahead of you and you can make it good if you want to.

Please don’t blame yourself for your friend’s suicide. I can tell you and your friends really cared about her.  It’s true; it’s hard to believe when someone says they’re suicidal. I know this because I threatened suicide many times. I told Dr. Baer many times I wanted to die and threatened to end my life if things became more than I could handle.  He was always trying to figure out how serious I was about it.

I still think of suicide, but not in the same way as I once did. It’s only normal for someone like me, at times of great stress, confusion, and dark thoughts, to be reminded of how I longed for a way out in the past. After all I’ve been through, reminders of how I used to think resurface time and again. Therapy can’t completely take away such thoughts, but trying to live your best life and keeping stress to a minimum helps.  The difference is to know whether those dark suicidal thoughts are a threat and to deal with them quickly. I’ve discovered that when I feel suicidal, I need to acknowledge those thoughts and put them in their rightful place. I do my best to keep my thoughts positive and moving forward.

I’m glad to hear that Switching Time was helpful in bringing to you an understanding of depression, suicide, and abuse. Please remember, you did the best you could to help your friend.  Neither you nor she was aware of the proper actions to take to seek help.

I hope never again to be tempted to suicide. I pray never to experience such horrific inner pain that would lead me back to those thoughts. If I did, I would seek immediate help. I am an adult now and my thoughts have changed. Now that I am more aware of myself and I can better see my future, I highly doubt I am capable of suicide. There are too many people who care for me. When I felt suicidal in my past, I felt no one cared.

Thank you for sharing and caring.

Karen

Comment by Maria on 01 Mar 2010 at 10:31 am

Dear Karen,

Thank you for being honest in sharing your journey. People like me need to learn from people like you and not from made up doctor medical facts written in books. Doctors learning from books do not make good doctors. Doctors who learn from people like you are more likely to succeed. I think your therapy with Dr. Baer went well because he learned from you and ignored the books that told him this illness does not exist. How intense and overwhelming your story is but well needed and appreciated.

Maria

Dear Maria,

Thank you for your compliments! Dr. Baer and I wanted to share the truth so that all would understand how complex multiple personality disorder is. If we decided to sugarcoat my story there would be no knowledge gained. As difficult as it was to share the truth, I believe Switching Time was meant to be. My wish is to encourage hope for all those who have suffered from abuse.

I’m not sure about the training doctors go through before receiving their medical degrees.  But I do know that Dr. Baer not only learned from books, but from his own experiences in hospitals and clinics treating patients, and from his own psychoanalysis. Medical Doctors who choose psychiatry should go through intense therapy on their own before they are allowed to treat patients. It’s not easy work.

Dr. Baer did not ignore medical books, there simply wasn’t enough good information on MPD for him to treat me in a way he thought would be helpful. It took Dr. Baer’s determination, common sense, book smarts, and my alters’ help to treat me. He did the best he could. I believe my story is one of the first complete documented cases written.  Now there’s a real book for doctors to learn from!

My therapy with Dr. Baer worked well because we made a great team!   We worked very hard for over eighteen years, just so I can experience living as one woman, free of abuse.

Thank you for your questions.

Karen

Comment by Jillian on 01 Mar 2010 at 9:32 am

Hi Karen and Richard!

I love you both! Amazing and inspirational book! I have never known such horror and mostly never knew anyone could survive anything like that. But the book is a teaching tool for us students who had lived perfect lives. I read your book in Abnormal Psychology class. I live in a dream world where me my mom and grandma live like royalty with my father and grandfather pampering our every need. Manicures, pedicures, elegant clothes and travels. How sad you were mistreated so badly. I cannot imagine surviving your illness. I love my dad and gramps. I am fortunate to be loved and never hurt by them. My heart is sad for you but your survival taught me so much about living. I will never complain about anything again. Thank you both! God bless you for sharing. May you find peace and happiness forever more.

Jillian

Memphis, TN

Dear Jillian,

Thank you for sharing! It’s important for me to hear stories such as yours. I’ve never experienced the type of life you’ve lived. To feel that kind of love is foreign to me, but I’m so glad there are families who care for each other like yours. I know how hard it must be to imagine living in chaos and abuse, but by reading my story and allowing yourself to feel my pain vicariously, you can gain the knowledge of what can happen to a child who is tormented by sexual abuse. A door has opened for you and I’m glad to hear you understood the lesson.

Thank you for your compliments and for your blessings. Sending blessings back to you. May you continue to enjoy and live your life with gratitude.

Karen

Comment by Tiara on 25 Feb 2010 at 3:46 pm

Dear Karen

How do you feel about life now after integrating? Do you still sometime think about the horrible things of your past? I’m glad to know that your life is so much better now, you are such a miracle and inspiration to so many!

Dear Tiara,

My life after integration is challenging, but in a good way. I no longer need to worry about alter chaos or not remembering an appointment or friends’ conversations. I attend to everything on my own, never lose time, and can even enjoy a meal and movie without alter interruption. I admit life is not always perfect, trouble sometimes finds me, but it’s all my own. What’s amazing is I can live a life I never thought possible.

Of course there are times I recall painful memories from my past. Whenever I hear of a child being abused, the news of a child molester being caught, and certain terror movies, these can trigger moments of sudden grief.  But I have learned how to manage those moments and dark thoughts. I’m fortunate to know my past belongs in my past and has no room in my present. I do not dwell on my past abuse. When I remember it, the memory disappears as quickly as it arrives.

Thank you so much for believing I’m a miracle and inspiration to others. That means the world to me.

Karen

Comment by Nicky on 25 Feb 2010 at 3:13 pm

Dear Karen,

First of I would like to thank you for letting your story be told and for your answers on your blog. You are an amazing women. I personally like that Switching Time was wrote from Dr. Baers point of view. The reason is that we are raising our granddaughter, who has Dissociative Identity Disorder, so reading your book from Dr. Baers point of view has been very helpful. She is only 5 years old. We have had her for a year and a half. I have a million questions for you, but I will ask just a few. First of all do you or Dr. Baer know how to find a good psychiatrist for her? We live in southern Idaho and have had no luck finding one. She does have a great counselor, but she doesn’t even know of any psychiatrists that she would recommend. I was also wondering about your headaches. Did all of your alts have them too? At what age did they start or do you always remember having them? What did you do that helped them? Our little one gets them a lot and they seem to be getting worse. Please let us know anything else that would help her. I hope it will be okay to ask more questions later.

Thank you so very much,

Nicky

Dear Nicky,

You’re welcome! I appreciate your kind thoughts on my answering questions here on my blog. I agree, Dr. Baer writing Switching Time from his point of view was definitely worthwhile. I believe Switching Time is the best book written by a medical doctor, a psychiatrist, treating a multiple. Both Dr. Baer’s notes and my journals may comprise one of the very first complete documented cases. We have eighteen years of files! I believe Dr. Baer’s point of view provides the best description of my alters, therapy, and story. Dr. Baer built rapport with each of my seventeen alters in a way that I couldn’t have. Therefore, I couldn’t have written from his eyes.

During my therapeutic years I wrote constantly, every day, in journals that, when I finished each one, I turned over to Dr. Baer for safekeeping. My journals proved to be an asset to Dr. Baer in writing his book.

I’m sorry to hear that your granddaughter suffers from DID. But I’m glad to hear the illness was recognized early and that she is in treatment. I believe there were many signs of my losing time when I was five years old, but no one paid much attention to them. Maybe because not much was known back then and no one knew what to do.

I don’t remember not having headaches. I’d suffered headaches my entire life until integration. My headaches came on strong and disabling but not one doctor could find a physical cause for them. I recall having many tests, brain scans, and so on, searching for causes but none were found. I believe my intense headaches came whenever I became overwhelmed with stress and switched between alters. The energy needed to switch can cause head pain that subsides once the switch is complete. I don’t believe all my alters suffered from headaches. There may have been a few, but I don’t remember. I do know for sure that I had frequent headaches.

What helped my headaches? Staying calm and stress free. Too much stimulation, like watching something violent on television, someone talking loud, and noisy crowds would create inner chaos and pain. I’m not sure about your granddaughter, but for me during a headache my hearing was overly sensitive to all sounds. Hearing a siren would cause me great pain. Sometimes a cold rag and a dark quiet room would provide comfort. Each multiple is unique. I ‘m sure your granddaughter knows what can work for her. Allow her to guide you. Creating a sense of calm is best.

Dr. Baer suggests you contact the state psychiatric or medical society to get a referral for a psychiatrist in your area.

Wishing you, your granddaughter, and family all my best. Please know you can write me anytime and ask any questions that trouble you. I am here for you.

Thank you for sharing. I hope I’ve been able to help.

Karen

Comment by Melanie on 24 Feb 2010 at 5:27 pm

Karen,

I am feeling very depressed these days. I had discovered my father had sexually abused six young girls and is in prison. I was told he died, I don’t remember much about him. I was a baby when he was caught but want to know if he could have abused me to. I am sixteen and think he did hurt me. I have been depressed and seeing a therapist for ten months and my dreams are of being abused. My mother told my therapist my father use to beat me. Does a beating and being sexually abused feel the same? I searched for subjects on dissociation and found your book. How I feel is like how you felt. Are nightmares of being abused accurate? Did you ever doubt yourself? I am feeling exhausted writing. GTG

Mel

Dear Melanie,

I’m so sorry to hear what you found out about your father. I believe your Mom may have wanted to protect you so that your childhood would not be affected. I’m not sure telling you your father died was the right thing to do, but I’m not a therapist and can only give you my opinion. For you, seeking and starting therapy is important. It sounds as if you’ve allowed your Mom to be a part of your healing. That’s an important step to take. Whether you father sexually abused you or not doesn’t matter as much as how his abusive behavior has affected your Mom, other children, and you. It’s a good thing he was imprisoned for his crime. My father was imprisoned for child abuse, too.

If you are experiencing nightmares and dreams of being abused, you may have been. My dreams were filled with such horror, and I doubted myself, too. After awhile I knew in my heart my thoughts and dreams were true. I knew because my dreams triggered memories and I asked questions to confirm them. Not only did my mother confirm some things, but my memories became clearer after each alter integrated.

Not all of my dreams were accurate. I’ve had some dreams that I have dismissed because I couldn’t back them up. I believe dreams can contain a variety of mixed feelings and thoughts and don’t necessarily depict reality.

I understand how exhausting dealing with such intimate feelings can be. Please try to understand what you are experiencing is a normal part of your healing process. Always rest when you need to. The energy required to heal can be disabling. It disabled me for years. Please take care of yourself.

Wishing you a safe journey to healing.

Karen