Comment by Louise on 15 Feb 2011 at 3:38 pm

Hello Karen,

I just finished reading Switching Time this weekend. I am a Christian counselor. I have a client who has been passed through the system for years. After working with her in her home, I realized she has DID.

She was relieved to gain understanding and seemed eager to move toward healing. Recently, however, she has been challenging me, and wanting to direct therapy. She even cancels appointments when she is “feeling fine.”

Could she be doing this because she is afraid to move forward? She switches so quickly and so often that it is very difficult to get a consensus from her. Any insight would be helpful.

Thank you for what you have done. The book was very helpful.

Louise

Dear Louise,

Thank you for sharing your dilemma with me. I understand how working with someone who has been passed through the system can be difficult. I was fortunate Dr. Baer never gave up on me and sent me on my way to find another therapist. But I believe that if you truly care, your relationship will build a bond in trust that can’t be broken. It took me many years to form a trusting and respectful relationship with Dr. Baer.

I’m not sure what you mean by “direct therapy”? If you mean she’s trying to take over control of the sessions and she misses appointments because she’s “feeling fine,” then she’s probably afraid of moving further in therapy.  You should tell her that, if that’s what you think, and just be patient.  It’s important for the therapist to be the therapist, and not be swayed by the patient’s behavior.

Dr. Baer and I had a consistent schedule with each other. In addition to our once or twice a week sessions, we had a time to talk at 9pm. every other day.  As my trust in our relationship grew, I became very mindful of his needs and mine. Simply being assured that we had a scheduled time to communicate helped me to always feel connected to him. Once I felt connected, a respectful bond was formed between us. I always needed to know I had this time to talk. If I didn’t, I felt insecure and lost. Make extra time, even if only 5 minutes. But be consistent. It helps.

Multiples, including me, are challenging and will always challenge therapy. Not only therapy but boundaries, too! In my opinion, based from my own thoughts and feelings, I knew I needed more time with Dr. Baer, how could I not with seventeen people in one body? Yes, treating me was intense for Dr. Baer.  Regarding cancelling appointments… some therapists charge for the appointment if cancelled less than 24 hours from the appointment.  There were a few of my alters that were not abused and did not want to partake in therapy. Once your relationship settles, the alters of your patient will settle down too, that’s when therapy truly begins.

Please know that you can contact Dr. Baer for any advice, he knows best and may be able to share how we worked together to build a safe place for me to not want to miss a moment of the much needed support I required. Whenever I called Dr. Baer to cancel he would ask why, I never could give a good enough excuse and could not lie to him. It was usually because I was afraid, and he would calm my fears.  Commitment to therapy is of utmost importance.

I hope that my answer has provided some help. Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by June on 09 Feb 2011 at 10:49 pm

I listened to Dr Baer’s book on CD. I found it very informative. I say that because I read everything I can on DID. I have two daughters with this tough mental condition. As their mother I was devastated to find out about their horrifying abuse 12 years ago. They were sexually abused by their biological father and for so many years I never knew. I have a lot of sadness and disbelief i didn’t see what was going on right in my own house. Sociopaths are very good at hiding their evil. I have never, not once, not believed them or not supported their efforts to heal. I am so sorry you and any children have to endure mans inhumanity to children. The thing I wonder about is if my daughter’s therapist is working hard enough to integrate their personalities and if they should. They have been in therapy for 12 years and i don’t see that they have integrated. My youngest daughter the most damaged and will not talk to me about what is going on with her but I can tell that she still has personalities she deals with. She has as many as over 50 I’ve been told by her sister who shares a lot with me. Her sister is starting for the first time this year, is better. I don’t get calls almost daily in her alter voices and other upsetting things that have been happening in the past. I don’t think she has integrated either though. I would like to know if you feel like integrating has helped to this day? I do hope you continue to heal from the very tough thing you had to endure as a child.

Warm wishes,

June

Dear June,

Thank you for sharing! I am sorry that your daughters have suffered as I did, but I’m glad to hear that they are in therapy.  Healing for me is a life long journey.  My healing journey included eighteen years of therapy and continues on as I live my life in hope. Sharing was always difficult for me.  Sometimes sharing with those close to you is more difficult than sharing with a stranger. What’s most important is that your daughter is sharing with her therapist. It takes times to heal. And each of us must heal at our own pace. Please continue to support and encourage your children. Being available to listen is the best way to gain trust. I’m sure when your daughter is ready to share, she will make her own decision based on feeling safe to do so. I wish your daughters all my best.

As for integration, it was the best decision for me in order to heal. I admit I contemplated whether integration was in my best interest. But once I realized I would not “lose” my alters, that my alters would simply be added to my own self by merging together, I felt more at ease. My life has changed–in a good way. Integration provided me with a sense of calm, a inner peace with additional wisdom that has been given for me in part by my alters. I am one woman who may have had suffered much abuse, but my alters helped me during a chaotic stressful childhood. As an adult I no longer need alter help. As an adult I am able to take care of my own life. There is no longer a need to have alters. I believe my alters were a God sent coping mechanism that helped me survive until I was able to live on my own.  But finally, my alters needed to merge so I could live my life to the fullest.

I agree sociopaths are very good at hiding evil. When I look back and recall my abusers, their looks, their actions, and even when I look at old pictures of them, I can’t see any evil.  Looks and actions can be deceiving. Many times I couldn’t share or explain what was happening to me for fear of not being believed because of my abusers’ status or assumed reputation. But abuse is abuse.

I wish you and your daughters all my best as they continue their healing. Please know that I continue my journey to becoming my best self.

It is my desire to encourage hope through sharing my story.

Karen

Comment by LeeLee on 09 Feb 2011 at 6:49 pm

I was just wondering do you ever feel how you use to feel with your alters? for e.g. do you ever feel excited like little claire, can you still feel her in you? or the emotions of Katherine?

After reading this book it made me really think about how you may feel now and if you ever do feel them just even a tad of a bit.

Dear LeeLee,

Thank you for your question. Yes, I feel them but not in the same way I once did. My alters are me, and I am my alters. We are one and the same person. The difference is there are no walls that divide each alter. I continue to have thoughts and feelings that may or may not have been a part of a once distinct alter, but I can’t tell anymore. I have grown, integrated, and am simply one woman with a variety of interests. I remember all that I experience; I never lose time anymore and continue to learn something new about myself each day. This was accomplished through integration.

I am doing my best to be my best self. Best wishes to you.

Karen

Comment by Morgan on 09 Feb 2011 at 3:11 pm

Dear Karen,

I am doing a research paper for my Junior Honors English class, on multiple personality disorder and I was wondering if there was any way I could interview you through e-mail?

Morgan

Dear Morgan,

Thank you for asking and contacting me. Yes, you can email me at: [email protected].  I was happy to help you with your project. Though your request has already been answered through an email between us, I wish to hear how your research paper turned out. It’s my hope that what we’ve discussed was helpful to your understanding of multiple personality disorder.

Wishing you continued success in your studies. Please know that you can email me, send a comment here to my blog, or find me on Facebook.

Karen

Comment by Heidi on 07 Feb 2011 at 4:27 pm

Dear Karen,

It has been awhile since I wrote, but I think I need a reality check from someone who has been where I am. Just a brief reminder, I’m a single mom with DID. I’m finding it hard for the last month or so to go even a few hours without switching, I’m exhausted and it feels like things inside are more chaotic than ever. I am struggling to find a therapist who knows how to treat DID where I live, or who even believes in it. I had one, but there were things that happened that were not totally within therapeutic bounds, which made many uncomfortable. Do you have any strategies to maybe collect everyone, enough to have at least 24 hours of being present?  How are you anyway? I have also started writing and I was curious if you would be interested in reading it…

Much love and peace,

Heidi

Dear Heidi,

I understand where you’re coming from. There was a time during my years in therapy when my alters kept switching back and forth, too. I believe my alters were in chaos during intense moments and whenever something triggered a past feeling. I know the unveiling of past abuse during my efforts to grow and heal caused uneasiness among all those within me. Why? I believe my alters were once my only protectors and would feel threatened by any change. It’s difficult to say why one’s alters are active and the cause of that.  Simply knowing that you are on a journey toward healing could be change enough for constant switching.

My alters’ actions settled down once I felt safe and secure in my therapy. Once trust was established and I felt “heard”, my alters began to work together. A compromise of sorts. My alters grew to trust Dr. Baer, and then I grew to trust him, too. If there’s alter chaos, it could be due to trust issues and discussing this must become a part of your therapy. Please remember that I am not a therapist and I’m sharing my thoughts based on my personal journey. Each of us is unique and we each require someone who can help us move forward.

Finding the right therapist to suit your needs is very important. It’s common to be uncomfortable sharing your story with someone. But if you distrust your therapist, then trust your instincts, share your feelings of mistrust with your therapist, and perhaps you’ll find airing this issue is just what you need to solve it. Always remember that your therapist is working to help you help yourself. Building trust is one step towards healing. It took me years to build trust in Dr. Baer.

Wishing you all my best as you continue your journey to wholeness.

Karen

Comment by Harold on 06 Feb 2011 at 10:55 pm

Hi Karen & Richard,

Thank you both for sharing your intimate journey. One seldom peeks into the world of a doctor and patient in session. I often guessed something quite different than what your story shared. For Richard it’s a deep and sensitive building step to take on a patient under terrible distress. You must be strong. For Karen it must have been difficult on you to build trust with a therapist who is human. Choosing to share this private time helps people like me understand the perils of therapy. I am not in therapy but my wife is. I did not comprehend her need to speak to her therapist every week. I did not comprehend why she told him things in trust that she did not tell me. I thought she was betraying me. I know better now after reading ‘A Life in Pieces’. Honestly, I am a better man for reading your story. I get it now.

Harold, UK

Dear Harold,

You’re welcome! Thank you for sharing! I’m inspired by your story. For me, sharing my story has been difficult, but it’s my desire to encourage hope. So many times, while in therapy, I fought with doubt about sharing what was discussed in safety between my therapist and myself. Why? Because I wasn’t ready or prepared to answer the million questions that would only trigger more grief. I needed to take time to first heal myself. Why can one share things with a therapist and not a husband, best friend, or family members?  For me, it would make me felt worse. My grief would bring forth suicidal thoughts. I needed to understand and accept my limitations before sharing.  I believe, based on my personal experience, it’s best to keep therapy private until one’s healing begins.

Please know that I did not feel strong in the beginning, and I did not trust Dr. Baer at first. It takes time to heal. But as time passed, I grew stronger. My faith helped me through. And slowly I began to build a trusting relationship with Dr. Baer.

I am so glad to hear that your came to understand your wife’s healing journey. Thank you for your honesty. A lesson well learned.

Karen

Comment by Em on 02 Feb 2011 at 9:13 pm

Karen,

What are the titles of your book in different countries your story is told? I am from China and can’t find your book here. I heard I can get a English version. I speak three languages and would like to read your story. In the articles I have read about you, I feel inspired.

Thank you,

Em

Dear Em,

The Chinese version of my story is Switching Time by Richard Baer, author. It’s published in both complex and simplified Chinese characters.  Please visit amazon.com. If I’m not mistaken, you can order all versions in different languages from their web site.

Thank you for asking! Please keep in touch! I’d love to hear your thoughts after reading.

Karen

Comment by Paul on 01 Feb 2011 at 5:13 pm

Hi Karen,

I am in shock that you survived such horror. How did you manage life’s ups and downs with carrying so much sadness? What makes you, you? What can you share to help me shed anger for ordinary things? I have a lot of unresolved issues from being sexually abused when I was thirteen.

Paul

Dear Paul,

Interesting question. In order to survive childhood horror, you must first acknowledge it, then come to terms with understanding that your pain belongs in the past, and finally, let it be known that you would not tolerate the same type of abuse ever again. My abusers have all passed on.

I admit my anger was a bit more repressed than most, but I had alter help. If I had to deal with so much sadness on my own, without fragmenting my pain, I would most likely be an angry person unable to resolve ordinary things. But I believe in you. Have faith. I always feared I would some day explode, but when feeling such anger, I would try my best to think, “Where did it come from? What triggered such anger? Was it something I did? Did someone hurt my feelings? Did I feel neglected, rejected, or humiliated?”  I believe most likely my personal anger triggers are past dark thoughts or feelings. Once I recognized what caused me to feel rage, my anger would start to subside. Anger can be a good learning experience if you can keep it to yourself.

Please seek counseling for yourself with a qualified therapist. I know my advice isn’t a quick fix; it takes time to heal. Be patient, and you, too, can accomplish healing.

Karen

Comment by Vickie on 01 Feb 2011 at 7:54 am

“WOW, I am impressed. That goes to show you how far Karen reaches out to people. She is a remarkable woman. I do hope you get the opportunity to read her book. It will make you cry, well up with anger towards her abusers, and cheer for her amazing strength for becoming the amazing woman she has become in spite of it all. She has blessed the world for even existing.

Vickie

Dear Vickie,

Thank you for adding your personal thoughts! I am blessed to have such wonderful friends! My story may be overwhelming, but the way I see it, we all learn from each other. I welcome reading your journey, too!

Have a nice day!

Karen

Comment by Ebony on 31 Jan 2011 at 7:02 pm

Dear Karen,

Reading while writing. That’s what I’m doing. I’m over half way through your book and cant put in down. Taking a break was a must. Your story is overwhelming. But even if I finish it tonight I want to tell you right this minute how important and unselfish you are for going through such a process of healing and sharing. I looked your book up and found
 25,600,998 articles from around the world. Can’t read them all but WOW! Thank you! You inspire me!

Ebony

Dear Ebony,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts half way through reading Switching Time, that means a lot to me and I truly appreciate you believing in me.  I hadn’t checked on the number of articles regarding my story; that’s amazing news! Thank you for sharing!

Please know that letters such as yours are what inspire me to move forward. Wishing you all my best!

Karen