Comment by Penny on 18 Nov 2010 at 11:01 am

Dear Karen,

Thank you! U are the one who changed my life. I am in therapy now. I hope my life gets better. Pray for me. Love you.

Penny

Dear Penny,

Of course I will pray for you. Thank you for sharing! Wishing you all my best on your journey to wellness. Please know that I care.

Karen

Comment by Sara on 17 Nov 2010 at 7:30 pm

Hi Karen,

Thank you for sharing you story and being brave. I just feel you represent a good spirit. Did you know you are an angel? Well, you are. Sending many blessing your way. Will you share something with all of us? Do you like yourself more now or before integration?

Sara

Dear Sara,

You’re welcome! Thank you for your compliments on being brave and representing a good spirit. I try to be.

You ask, “Do I like myself more before or after integration?” I’m the same, before and after. I’m the same person in spirit, always. My alters are me and I am them. We are one.

What’s most important to me is to continue to be my best self.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Britanie on 16 Nov 2010 at 3:12 pm

Dear Karen,

I have read your book twice and realized with great attention to detail there must be more to your healing. If you can heal from multiple personality disorder you can survive most anything. I am in awe of you. I am inspired by your story enough to seek help for my own issues. I do not have MPD or DID but think I have another social type personality disorder. What do you do when you think you have a problem? I was an abused child. My grandmother who sat me would abuse me when my parents let her baby sit. I never told anyone before you including my parents. I am an only child and 27 years old. I think I started feeling sicker after my grandmother’s death four months ago. I try to dissociate it but can’t.  I have nightmares too. I admire you. I know you are not a doctor but who needs a doctor first.

Britanie

Dear Britanie,

I can empathize with you not sharing what happened to you with others. I’ve felt that way, too. I tried my best to deal with my past on my own, and at times I thought I’d found a sense of peace, but I was wrong. My past dark thoughts would gradually re-enter my mind leaving me feeling ill and depressed. Eventually I knew I needed to talk to someone. I do not regret seeking therapy for myself. Therapy is not a cure all, but it’s definitely a safe place to vent and share your past in hope to find understanding about how your past can affect your present and future. There is no need to suffer alone.

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion your grandmother’s passing may have triggered what you have tried to keep secret. That’s what happened to me. Memories of my past abuse and alter chaos were triggered after the traumatic birth of my daughter. I believe once something is triggered, there’s no way to forget it. What you are experiencing may be problematic until you deal with it. Knowledge will bring understanding and a sense of calm.

Wishing you all my best as you journey through your own healing.

Karen

Comment by Joanne Mueller on 15 Nov 2010 at 10:31 pm

Dear Karen: Your story is very interesting — “quite a ride!”

I am curious as to whether or not through your “journey of healing”, whether you slept close to any electric appliances, telephone equipment such as cordless phone, answering machine and/or any item with a speaker (magnet)?

And/or,prolonged exposure to electronics held close to your head or body for extended periods of time during the day?

Your answers may go a long way toward my work to help others prevent numerous health problems. I am EMF/EMR researcher/activist (non-accredited) working hard to “save children” (of all ages) from “preventable health problems.” All my work is as “volunteer.”

Best wishes and take care – Joanne

Dear Joane,

Interesting questions! Thank you for asking! As a child I lived in an apartment that had one central heating fireplace that was built of brick and forced warm air out through a vent. At times I slept on the floor next to it to keep warm. The bedrooms of this old apartment were always cold. I used the fire stove to dry my hair and keep warm.

Our family had one wall-mounted phone off the kitchen, within ten feet of my bedroom. I don’t recall ever having a cordless phone during my childhood. Were they even invented? That would be between the years 1959-1973. As far as magnets go, I don’t believe so. But I always had a problem setting off alarms, hospital testing equipment, and light bulbs. It may be a coincidence, but whenever I suffered a headache, things happened. I became a family joke that continues today. Recently my brother wouldn’t allow me near a control panel in fear that something would malfunction. Funny? Not so much. In my family I get blamed for all electrical problems, including computers and streetlights. It seems I have always fallen into the range of the “unexplained.”

I continue to be puzzled by my ability to interfere with electrical appliances. I am beginning to get a complex. There must be an explanation. What seems funny at times can become a bit of an annoyance. There are people in my life who believe I harbor too much “electricity.”  I suppose I have a shocking personality!

Thank you for your challenging questions. Love to hear more about your work. Please keep in touch!

Karen

Comment by Sweet Tea on 15 Nov 2010 at 1:15 am

My doctor, Colin Ross, gave a review on your book so I decided to read it. I am not going to use my real name because I do not want Dr. Ross to be mad at me for writing to you, but I just watched his documentary on D.I.D. and the woman portrayed has stolen from you. Did you see it? I am another one of Dr. Ross’s patients with alters and would like to meet you. I read your blog regularly and found you hold more wisdom and knowledge needed for people like us than most doctors. Have you ever met Dr. Ross? Has your Dr. Baer? Where do you live? If possible could you talk to Dr. Ross and help him with his D.I.D. patients? I believe in you Miss Karen. I believe you can be a great asset to all medical doctors with D.I.D. patients. I don’t know you personally but feel as if I do. You are a kind spirit. I know you’d want to help us. Your story is more amazing than Paula’s. I hope you are all right today since integration. Does integration mean you are fully recovered?

Sweet Tea (not my real name)

Dear Sweet Tea,

After receiving your email I searched for Dr. Colin Ross’s documentary and watched it for myself. No one has stolen from me. As a matter of fact, most of us who have suffered from multiple personality disorder, now renamed dissociative identity disorder, have had similar experiences. The woman portrayed on Dr. Ross’s documentary was simply sharing her story. My story may appear similar, but our experiences are far from the same.

I am honored by your request to meet me. Maybe that can happen some day. I have written Dr. Ross and hope to meet him, too. It would be nice for us to chat, since I’m integrated and functioning as one. I hope that in meeting him, we could help each other with many unanswered questions. Though I am not a therapist, it continues to be my desire to encourage hope through sharing my story.

Integration does not mean full recovery. Integration means that the alters have merged and are no longer needed as their separate selves. I had lots of therapy after integration to help me get the rest of my life in order.  My ex-alters will always be a part of me. I did not lose my alters, my alters and me are now the same woman. The only difference is, I’m functioning without dissociation. I no longer need alter help.

Thank you for all of your kind thoughts and compliments! I truly appreciate your support!

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Jeannine on 14 Nov 2010 at 5:20 pm

I am studying your book right now for my abnormal psychology class. I never believed in your illness until I read your book. It is thoroughly written by two great people you and your doctor. I am wondering if you think backwards and wish you saved a few alters and not integrate all of them? Do you ever wonder where your life would be if you kept a few alters on the inside?

Thank you, Jeannine

Dear Jeannine,

Thank you for your compliments! Isn’t knowledge great! I believe that by learning from each other and sharing stories we can help each other. My alters were amazing, but as I healed they were no longer needed to compartmentalize parts of me into separate selves. I never lost my alters. My alters merged within me. My alters will always be a part of me, for my alters are me. We are one. The only difference in integration is that they no longer are separate from one another and lead individual lives.

I admit, I did secretly wish to keep a few alters and not integrate all of them, but that was nonsense and wishful thinking. Holdon was my last alter to integrate and he stayed for a while before his integration. I thought I could keep him but I knew it was best to be one woman. I did not function well with one alter. If an alter or two remained, I would not have been able to be my best integrated self. My alters helped me survive at a time when I could not. I am grateful for that. I am also grateful to live my life as one.

Thank you for your questions,

Karen

Comment by Delphine on 14 Nov 2010 at 11:22 am

Thank you Karen for helping me. I am a abused forty year old woman with lack of self esteem and suicidal thoughts. While reading your blog I felt energized to do something other than wallow in self pity. The words you share from deep in your soul helped me. I know people tell you that all the time but this time it’s me telling you. I was going to end my life and considered not doing it to honor you. I am in therapy now. I would not have been if I did not read Switching Time.

Happy Sunday. You are a blessing.

Delphine

Dear Delphine,

Thank you for sharing! I can empathize with your wallowing in self-pity. I have done the same. Therapy and healing is hard work, but worthwhile. It’s important to know that having suicidal thoughts while in the process of healing is normal, as long as you keep those thoughts as thoughts and not actions, and share them with your therapist when they threaten you. There were many days that I needed help from Dr Baer, from inspirational writings, and from those who cared to listen. When I thought about suicide, I tried my best to take a deep breath and step back from myself, and replace those thoughts with better ones. At times I felt I was my worst enemy.

I am glad you chose not to end your life. Thank you for writing to me on Facebook. I have faith in you. Please know that I care.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Roger on 13 Nov 2010 at 1:41 am

My wife is a woman with D.I.D. We have been married ten years. I never knew she suffered from sexual abuse as a child until two years into our marriage after a car accident left her with a back injury. I read your story and it’s helped me understand her grief. My questions are:

1. After your daughters traumatic birth did your sexual intimacy resume or halt?

2. After therapy started did your feelings before your daughters resume or halt?

3. How long did it take for intimacy to return to your marriage?

4. Did your husband understand your abuse?

5. Was you husband a participant in your therapy?

6. I notice you divorced. Was it because of your illness or lack of intimacy?

7. Who refused who?

I am trying very hard to live with difficulty. My wife is important to me but acts as if I am a predator which requires one thing, sex. I am not that guy. I love her.

Thank you.

Roger

Dear Roger,

I’m sorry for the lateness of my response. I hope my answer will be of some help in the New Year. I will try my best to answer most of your questions.

My daughter’s birth was traumatic and problematic. I became ill with pneumonia and had a few life threatening situations. The circumstances surrounding my daughter’s birth caused my past abused life to re-surface in an unexpected and incomprehensible way. I was very afraid to share this and kept my thoughts secret. Six weeks in the hospital and many months of healing did put a halt to the intimacy in my married life. My husband and I were at a loss, and tried to regain what once was, but that proved to be difficult. I was not the same woman he married. My alters resurfaced and caused chaos. I couldn’t even remember being married. Therefore, I couldn’t respond to my husband as his wife.

Intimacy took more than a few years to return to our marriage. We were faced with many challenges and always tried our best. Dissociation helped and hurt. We never knew what would happen when feelings arose. My husband never understood the abuse I suffered in my past. Actually, because I dissociated he felt I betrayed him by not sharing it all before marriage. But “I” was not aware of it until after my daughter’s birth. Dissociation was my coping mechanism and temporarily removed my past experiences of being abused. My husband, because of his alcoholism, chose not to participate in my healing journey. He chose to judge and blame me for allowing myself to be abused. He assumed I had a choice and could simply say NO. He could not comprehend. That’s one reason why I share my story.

My decision to divorce my husband was two-fold. Yes, intimacy played a small part, but it was his alcoholism and abusive ways that ultimately led to our divorce. I have forgiven him. We have two wonderful children together and I continue to hear from him every now and then. My ex-husband has since stopped drinking and sought help through Alcoholics Anonymous. Though we have parted ways, through our children, we will always be a part of each other’s life.

I can empathize with your wife feeling as if you are a predator. It’s very hard to imagine what feelings are stirred up when being intimate after having been abused. Please know that with good therapy, her pain will lessen in time. She needs to learn not to paint all men with the same abusive brush.  Remember, it takes time to heal. Being patient and understanding while gaining knowledge will prove to be worthwhile.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment Martha on 11 Nov 2010 at 5:59 pm

I read your awe-inspiring story! I cried both tears of sadness and joy! Please share some of your personal favorite times during the sharing of your story. What can you share that made you want to share? What caused you to continue on? What made you feel your story was important? And last, I promise. From your heart what would you like everyone in the world to know about you? Your private message?

Thank you.

Martha

Salt Lake City, Utah

Dear Martha,

Thank you for sharing your heart-felt thoughts! Sharing didn’t come easy at first but my vision to help change the world by bringing awareness and knowledge to a once incomprehensible illness gives me purpose. I’m just one woman with a voice who needs to share in hope to help eliminate child sexual abuse.

I am a survivor, yes, yet I continue to ache with past pain and dark thoughts when a reminder is triggered, such as when I read a story, see someone hurting, or sense a child is in danger or is being neglected. As a child I had nowhere to turn. I tried a few times to confide my pain but was betrayed.

What I would like people to know is that I’m just one woman who happened to have been abused. I may not be perfect but I get up everyday and try to be my best self. I have a voice that won’t stop sharing the truth until I take my last breath. I was one of many abused children in a world that has a hard time trying to comprehend, recognize, and acknowledge that sexual abuse is real and happens everyday.

I ask that if you suspect a child is being abused, pay attention to the signs and help them. When I was a child, most people were afraid to listen. Most turned their head.  No one wanted to get involved. Those I tried to share with thought I’d made it all up or just needed attention. Dissociation prevented me from being taken seriously. Once a relative said that I deserved to be abused because I was bad. But how could that be? I was an obedient, well-behaved, and compliant child. I often asked myself why no one helped me. I even questioned God. No one but God really knew the extent of my suffering. I was just a child wanting to feel loved. Instead I was met with horrific sadness and pain.

I am doing well these days. I am alive with a strong desire to make a difference. I am grateful to have found Dr. Baer and received the appropriate care. I continue to wake up each day trying to be my best self.

Thank you for your thought provoking questions! I am sure there is much more to say…

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Morgan on 06 Nov 2010 at 10:38 pm

You survived mpd, you survived abuse, rape, bad relationships and suicide. How? I was raped at fifteen and am now twenty-eight. I feel dirty all the time. How is it possible to forget the dirt that penetrated you? How did you save your heart from not judging all men as assholes? Why a male therapist? I had to change to a female therapist cause I couldn’t look my male therapist in the eye.

Morgan

Dear Morgan,

I survived with faith, the will to live, and a great support system! I could not have survived on my own, and I believe it took teamwork to heal me. When I met Dr. Baer, I was at the end of my rope. I was suicidal and very afraid of sharing my past abuse. I didn’t think anyone would listen and believe me. I felt cheap, dirty, ugly, unloved, and didn’t care about myself. I blamed myself. I hated all men and never thought for a moment I could survive.

There is no easy answer how I survived. For me, sharing was a huge relief and lifted the weight of past abuse from my shoulders. I don’t believe forgetting is a choice. No one can forget being abused. It will come back to haunt you time and again until you acknowledge the past and deal with it. Confront the past and your pain will subside. It will not go away, but it will subside to a mere buzz when you choose to no longer allow your past to destroy you. It took me many years to understand that my pain belonged in my past. Soon after I understood that, I no longer could tolerate my past to exist in my present, nor would I welcome my past in my future. It takes time to heal. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

Why a male therapist? I don’t know. I did have a choice that first day. I chose a male therapist. At the time I hated all men. Maybe I assumed a male therapist would anger me and I could quit easily? I don’t know, but I have to admit, a male therapist that listened to me unconditionally changed my “I hate all men” to “I guess some men can be nice.”

Thank you for your questions! Wishing you well!

Karen