Comment by Stella on 07 Oct 2009 at 6:38 pm

Hi Karen!

Still reading and learning so much from your answers here. As you know, I am not at this time able to read your book because of the traumatic content, so my question may have an obvious answer to someone who has.

Were you aware of your internal system before you started therapy, or was this awareness something that came about gradually through your therapeutic process, and if so, what did that look or feel like for you? And as a follow up, how long did it take for you to come to know all of the alters in your system? Were there times you thought all were accounted for and then taken by surprise to find others?

Quite a lot, I know, and probably not easy to answer.

Thank you as always for your time and thoughtful responses, they are invaluable.

Fondly,

Stella

Dear Stella,

Thank you for sharing your concerns about reading Switching Time. I’m glad to hear that you are trying to get to know me through my answers here on my blog. These answers are an extension of me, and all that was written in the book.  Once you start reading Switching Time, please finish. I believe if someone reads my story and stops too soon, they will be left with unresolved thoughts, unpleasant feelings, and disbelief, and not witness the true miracle of my surviving and healing from the incomprehensible illness of multiplicity.

I was aware of something going on before I started therapy; that was the reason I sought help, to find out what was happening to me. I felt ashamed and didn’t immediately reveal to Dr. Baer my losing time. I felt afraid to share the truth out of fear of appearing crazy. As time passed, I was forced to face that I lost time, all the time. There were dozens of signs that I could not explain. Losing time started to overwhelm me and brought thoughts of suicide. After I’d fall asleep, I’d noticed that while I thought I was sleeping, things got done.  When I woke, I had no explanation as to how. I had no memory of what I had done during that time. I was always exhausted. And worse, missing from memory were huge parts of my day. I always felt I couldn’t catch up with myself. I questioned my sanity.

No new alters developed during therapy; all my alters were present before therapy started. As I built my therapeutic relationship with Dr. Baer, my alters started to feel secure and slowly revealed themselves. That took more than a few years. I believe my alters were created in my childhood years. Some grew over time, but most remained a certain age always. Early in therapy there was a time when Dr. Baer and I wondered how many alters there were, and the total number of alters surprised us.

Thank you for your questions. I hope that when the time comes and you decide to read my story that you find comfort, peace, and inspiration from knowing that I survived.

Karen

Comment by Shari on 07 Oct 2009 at 11:12 am

Hi Karen,

I understand the switching process now more than ever after your writings but one question still puzzles me. Since integration how have you been able to deal with reality when reality is not consistent. The ups and downs must require an extreme amount of pressure and instability for you, which in turn could cause dissociation. It did in the past, what would be the triggering point today? Do you continue to dissociate, not like when your alters were working but in other forms of dissociation? I read your answer defining the difference between MPD and DID although they are the same according to the DSM. I can see why you may define them differently. If I were you I would too. Do you now dissociate without alters?

I admire you for waking up my senses to an entire new world. Amazing story. God is with you always.

Shari C.

Dear Shari,

Reality is something we all need to deal with. For me, I needed to pay closer attention not to allow myself to be taken advantage of. After the integration of my alters I have learned many difficult lessons living in a new world. There no longer were periods of lost time. I learned very quickly the need to stand on my own. But in all honesty, I wasn’t very good at always making the right decisions. I believe my life started after integration, a life that was new. My inexperience as one woman was an exhausting, rude awakening.

My alters were terrific at masking all that I needed to attend to. There was so much I had to learn all over again. I’ve become stronger in many ways, but there are times when my lack of knowledge can cause me temporary grief. Sometimes I am saddened by missing out on the life I might have had while in survival mode.

I no longer dissociate in the same way as when my alters were present. But I still have a hard time with the concept of the passage of time. I remember everything, but I can’t distinguish very well whether it happened last week or two years ago. It’s hard to explain. And sometimes, if I’m not careful, it can cause problems. I need to make a conscious effort to write down appointments, acknowledge mail, and make sure I follow-up on things.

Thank you for your compliments and blessings.

Karen

Comment by Lee & Anna on 06 Oct 2009 at 12:28 pm

Karen,

Night or day? Which part of your day brings peace, what part of your day causes turmoil? Do you sleep at night with lights on or lights off? Are you afraid of the dark? What about your fathers ghost? Do you take walks at night? when your mind was split up how would your answers compare to now?

Love the mystery about you.

Lee & Ana

Dear Lee and Ana,

My nights are the time of day that causes me the most distress. As I try to settle down for the night and rest, my thoughts keep going and growing. During the day, while I keep busy, there is no room for dark thoughts. At night, dark thoughts can take over if I’m not careful.  I try to keep myself distracted and go to bed when I’m exhausted so I will fall asleep quickly. If I don’t, my dark thoughts can re-surface, leaving me feeling inadequate, sad, and even suicidal.

Mornings bring me the most peace. It’s the time of day when I function my best. I answer my blog questions early in the day when I have time for myself. I rise early, always before 5 a.m. and never need an alarm clock. As a matter of fact, I don’t own one. I’m up before anyone else.

My night horrors come and go. In the past, I would fight going to sleep in fear of nightmares. These days I look forward to going to sleep, my dreams are pleasant, and I rarely have a nightmare. I’m not afraid of the dark. I welcome the stillness of the night.

My father’s ghost? I never saw it if there was one.  There is no room in my life for my father’s ghost. I’ve been through enough. Fear keeps you in prison.

Thank you for your questions, and for loving the mystery of me.

Karen

Comment by Bart on 06 Oct 2009 at 12:13 pm

Dear Karen,

Why didn’t you kill your abusers?

Bart

Dear Bart,

Kill my abusers? What would that do for me? I would be imprisoned for life and they would be dead. Murder is murder. If I were to kill them, would that make me a better person? I think not.

Karen

Comment by John on 06 Oct 2009 at 12:11 pm

Dear Karen,

Did you have headaches?

John

Dear John,

Yes, I’ve suffered headaches most of my life. As a child “switching” alters would cause severe, disabling headaches. No doctor ever figured out what was the true cause of my headaches. My doctors tried blaming my headaches on other illnesses, such as the tumor I once had. Back then, multiplicity was nowhere in the picture, and not one doctor thought my headaches could be a sign of a mental illness.

I do get occasional headaches these days. I believe they’re from stress, more of a tension headache. Most of the time I calm myself down it will disappear. Headaches are very much part of a multiple’s life. I can’t recall ever not having a headache during my childhood years. My headaches greatly decreased after integration was complete, proving at least to me that most of my headaches were caused by alter chaos.

Karen

Comment by Vet Vincent on 06 Oct 2009 at 11:31 am

Okay Karen. I get that you went through a lot but why torture yourself by answering questions? I read them all. I mean every single one. Very few idiots wrote you, many fine well adjusted people write you, doctors write you and now me, a vet? Okay. My question is related to the bird thrown. Did your father torture other animals? How about your grandfather? Did your brothers pick up ways of torturing animals from them? My wife read your book first. I picked it up one day when bored and read in one day. Puzzling and covers so many areas in your life. Did you ever own a dog as a child or adult? If you did, did you have anger feelings for the animal? Like your father or was those thoughts removed? What’s your opinion on men who abuse animals? Do you think that’s a sign of an abusive man or possible serial killer? If you seen a boyfriend kicking an animal would that forewarn you? Weird questions, okay, asking for a reason. Thanks.

Vet Vincent

Dear Vet Vincent,

Torture? I don’t think of my answering questions as torturous, even after all I have endured. Actually, I feel privileged to be alive and able to bring comfort and knowledge from my experience of being a multiple. I hope to help others on their own journey to wellness. I believe stories like mine need to be shared to bring awareness of child abuse, a horror that once was kept silent. I believe the more awareness, the less abuse.

Regarding my father’s and grandfather’s treatment of animals; to my knowledge neither ever owned a pet. There were signs that they were afraid of animals. They were the kind of person that would cross the street just because someone was walking their dog on their side. My thoughts on this? I believe most animals sense hatred and become defensive toward evil. Animals did not like either of them. Both my father and grandfather hated cats. Once I witnessed my father kick a cat down the alley as if it were a football. When added to what happened with the bird, I would have to say, yes, they did not treat animals kindly.

My siblings and I never owned a pet. My mother hated animals along with my father, and therefore we never were allowed to enjoy that experience. My brothers have their own pets these days. I’ve never witnessed any anger in them towards their pets. My brothers are overly protective and treat their pets like children. I love animals and have owned a dog, and other pets. I never had any thoughts of anger towards animals. I believe my father’s and grandfather’s reactions towards animals completely shifted our minds to love, not hate animals.

Thank you for writing in.

Karen

Comment by Isabelle on 04 Oct 2009 at 10:09 pm

Dear Karen,

During the time you were being abused do you remember the alters switching in and out? Did they shift quickly/ Who entere the abuse and who exited the abusive act? I am trying to understand the alters job during an attack, whether there were more than one present? Did you get sick afterward? And what about bruises, cuts and private part trauma? Were there visible signs the next day? Sorry for so many personal questions. I am interested for my studies on rape and dissociation. I’d like to compare your mpd experience with a woman without mpd who has experienced rape and claims not to be in her body at the time.

Thank you kindly,

Isabelle

Dear Isabelle,

That’s a tough question that requires a two-fold answer. As a child I wasn’t aware of what was happening. Once the abuse started I would “go-away” and return at home as I lay my head on my pillow. I would have known that I was taken somewhere, removed from my bed with force, but not all that had transpired while “away.” As I grew older, I knew something more sinister was happening. I would have signs that I had been sexually abused, but without being able to explain it.  There were signs such as no panties, blood-stains, and unexplained bruising or soreness in my private areas. My alters removed all that from me. I remember my mother questioning where my panties were.  I couldn’t explain where they would disappear to; I sometimes told my mom I threw them away because I had an accident.

As my alters integrated my puzzling memories started coming together and finally made sense to me. It was at that time, during and particularly after integration, when the entire abusive act would be visible to my memory and I could form one whole picture. Yes, I was severely abused, but my alters contained the trauma until I was able to deal with it all in the safety of therapy.

There were several alters switching in and out during each abusive act.  That’s why no one alter had a complete memory of any episode. I would guess I switched more than three times per episode.

When a woman is raped, I could understand her trying to remove herself mentally from the act in order to survive. I believe the only difference is that a multiple switches between altered parts where someone without multiplicity experiences the entire attack.

Thank you for your questions and for trying to understand more about rape through my eyes. As I answered your question it occurred to me that I rarely write that I am a victim of rape. So many times I refer myself as a multiple but never acknowledge the fact that I was repeatedly raped. My multiplicity was a result of that.

Karen

Comment by Jane on 05 Oct 2009 at 12:01 pm

Hi Karen,

Kisses and Hugs to you! Richard, too! Powerful story! Would like to read a sequel. Do you think it’s possible? Next time though Karen, you should add most of the q and a’s from your blog. Powerful impact on all who read it. I am a student at Penn State, my professor gave me your book to read. I was moved with grief, sorrow, faith and love. You two are the best example of therapy that works. Congratulations!

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thank you for all your compliments and your interest in a sequel to our story! I hope to do that some day!  All the questions here on my blog could surely make a book with over five hundred questions and answers to date. But there’s much more to write about if there’s a sequel. I have continued to document my story after integration, and have experienced quite a journey after the therapeutic part of our relationship ended.

I am thrilled that your professor had given you Switching Time to read! It is our hope to reach students attending psychology courses. I would love to hear from more students who have read our story. Spreading knowledge of the incomprehensible illness, multiple personality disorder, is what’s most important to Dr. Baer and me. I am grateful that Dr. Baer and I worked well together and are able to share our journey in treating me.

Thank you for sharing your enthusiasm, and for believing in our work together. That means a lot to me!

Karen

Comment by Theresa on 04 Oct 2009 at 10:50 am

When the incident happened at the drug store and you were attacked you said an alter took over. Why didn’t you press charges?I read a magazine article that talked about that attack and how you dissociated. Was that in the book too? I am seriously thinking of going to school for psychology with an interest in law. The book was very interesting. Thank you for writing it.

Dear Theresa,

There was a time when I worked the night shift alone at a drug store where my alters would do various tasks. As in most stores, theft was a common problem.  A woman attacked me with a paring knife that she actually took from the store. When confronting someone who has been stealing I would switch to a stronger alter, when I needed to defend myself, I would switch to an alter who could defend me, just as I would switch to survive the abuse I had suffered all my life. Switching was always to protect me from an unpleasant situation. Switching is a coping mechanism.

After the attack, I switched back and I didn’t remember being attacked. I didn’t feel right about reporting the attack at that time. How could I? I feigned being in shock and was given time to pull myself together. Being alone in the store helped. No one would’ve noticed my switch. By the time the police arrived I was back to myself. My alter, Miles, had taken care of me during the attack and the attack was out of my immediate awareness. Of course, I had cuts, minor stab wounds, and bleeding, so there was proof that something had happened. Just what, I didn’t know. All I recalled was a woman coming at me with a knife, bringing my arms up to cover my face, and then I went away. My wounds were minor and on my forearms. Something frightened her away. Maybe it was Miles

At first I assumed the store cameras had picked up the attack and I wouldn’t need to explain. Unfortunately, and to my surprise, the mounted cameras were fake and meant to deter potential thieves. I was saddened that I couldn’t recall what happened. My memory was there, just not remembered by me.

Being a patient of Dr. Baer at the time, I called him and we decided it was best to leave it alone. Dr. Baer hypnotized me over the phone and asked if any part knew what happened. Miles came forth and explained to Dr. Baer in detail what had happened. Dr. Baer then had me remember Miles’ description so that I was able to share the details with the store manager and police. Multiples have a hard time explaining! If I had tried to explain immediately, it may have looked as if I were hiding something or falsifying the attack. I simply couldn’t take that chance. It was in my best interest to let it go at the time.

Thank you for your questions.

Karen

Comment by Allison on 03 Oct 2009 at 11:37 am

Karen,

Thank you for staying alive to help people like me. I know how hard it must be to live when the past causes so much turmoil. I am grateful for your words of wisdom plus for being so kind hearted to all of us who write you. I am sure God created you to share his word through your healing. I am sure you are one of His messangers. I pray for you all the time. Don’t give up.

Allison

Dear Allison,

What perfect timing for your message! I was having a bad day, thinking about my past, and wondering whether my work here on my blog is helpful. I’m grateful for being here. I believe what is meant to be, will be. And your timing proves to me that I’m doing a good thing.

Thank you for your kind words of support and for encouraging me not to give up.

Karen