Comment by Whitney on 02 Oct 2009 at 1:58 pm

Karen,

Did all your alters remember everything you went through being abused? My therapist uses hypnosis like Dr. Baer did but no one knows everything. I am frustrated and angry about my lack of recall. Maybe my parts aren’t co-operating with me? How does alter memory work and what can hypnosis prove?

I read your book two years ago today. Inspirational! Amazing story! Happy Anniversary!

Dear Whitney,

Not exactly. Let me try to explain? Each of my alters held the memory of one part of any abusive act or of something that I experienced. My pain and memory was fragmented. Each alter kept sharing their memories with Dr. Baer under hypnosis. As Dr. Baer collected all those bits and pieces, a full picture started to emerge. Each partial memory is one piece of a puzzle. Once my alters integrated, all those pieces formed one complete memory, but it took a while for all the pieces to gel. In other words, only after integration will you receive the complete, full memories you are searching for.

Regarding recalling the details of past abuse. I truly believe it’s best not to know all until you’re ready. If you’re not able to recall all, there’s probably a good reason. If your therapist is working with you under hypnosis, he most likely has a fuller picture than you. Maybe asking him will help? For me, hypnosis helped my alters talk about their experiences as the other alters listened in. My alters grew in strength while feeling unconditionally cared for when they were able to vent in the safety of Dr. Baer’s office.

Wishing you all my best. And thank you for believing our story is inspirational, and for remembering the 2nd anniversary of Switching Time.

Karen

Comment by Marita Erica Sophia on 30 Sep 2009 at 8:50 am

Dear Karen,

Multiple personality disorder is still called mpd right next to being call Dissociative identity disorder,what was the point of changing the name if the illness continues to be called both at the same time? There has been quite a bit of mentioning of what you call your condition, multiplicity in many series shows and comedy shows and others. I notice it more all the time which is why my curiosity led me to your story. I never heard of your book or much about multiplicity until the last few years but the other day I watched the show “Lie to Me”. The most recent episode talked about a woman who witnessed a murder through one of her alters. I founbd the show quite interesting and searched for more info and found Switching Time was listed. Bought your book on amazon after getting annoyed because Borders was out. How do book stores expect to make money when they don’t house the interesting books? Well, I learned so much from reading your story, and your blog. O My God! I notice people ask you if you watch certain shows so I will to Did you watch the episode of Lie to Me, the one I refer to? I notice you listed the show as one of your favorites. I think they stole a line from your book but don’t be mad it’s a compliment to have someone steal a line from you.

Marita Erica Sophia

Albany

Dear Marita Erica Sophia,

It’s true that Multiple Personality Disorder was renamed Dissociative Identity Disorder years ago, but for me, I was diagnosed MPD, and I will continue to use that term because it narrows my illness down to what my experience was. I even prefer the term “multiplicity” rather than using DID. My choice.

What’s the difference? In my opinion, when I hear DID there is a wide range of disorders that fit into that category. There are many types of dissociative disorders that don’t necessarily include alternate personalities as separate selves. Most of the time when people hear multiple personality disorder they know exactly that that means separate alter personalities. When DID is used, most people are left wondering what type of dissociation does that person have?

Shows like USoT are entertaining, and the cast does a great job trying to portray the life of a multiple, but they are not realistic. I did watch the show “Lie to Me.” I love that show! I have mixed thoughts about their portrayal of a multiple, but found it more realistic than not.

I am not one to judge. It would be nice for the writers who write for these shows to consult with a true multiple like me. I could surely add many entertaining episodes from my personal experience. It’s my hope that if any show decides to use multiplicity for their story line that they portray a multiple by adding a bit more fact than fiction.

I’m sorry that you had a hard time finding our book at Borders. I have no idea why some stores have the books on the shelf and others need to have it ordered. That’s always been a mystery to me. But I’m glad you ordered and received your book from Amazon.com. For some reason, most books I look for never seem to be available in the bookstore either.

Thank you for all your compliments, especially your interest to gain knowledge by reading more about the illness. And thank you for sharing that a line was stolen from our book! I wondered which line it was, but it doesn’t matter.  At least I know the writers are reading Switching Time.

Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and opinions. That’s important to me!

Karen

Comment by Maxine on 30 Sep 2009 at 8:45 am

Hi Karen.

When is a multiple not a multiple? After integration are you still labeled a multiple? Do you consider yourself a multiple now that you are healed from multiple personality disorder?

Maxine

Dear Maxine,

Very good questions! I’m not sure. I used to believe once a multiple always a multiple, with the exception that all of my alters merged together during integration to become one woman, me. I never really paid much attention to labels in the first place. Whether I was labeled a multiple before or after integration doesn’t matter to me.

I assume that I am a survivor of multiple personality disorder. Strange as it may sound, in all the years of my therapeutic relationship with Dr. Baer, only once did he ever mention what my illness was called. I knew the name of my illness, but I had no desire to be reminded of it as my journey to heal continued. Labels are not for me. But yes, I may always consider myself a multiple.  Perhaps I should be called a “Recovered Integrated Multiple”!

Thank you for your questions.

Karen

Comment by OB-GYN To Be on 29 Sep 2009 at 7:22 am

Hi Karen,

In the book you write about the experience of all going wrong during the c-section of your second child. What was your experience during the c-section of your first child? Why didn’t the alters surface at that time? What was the difference between both pregnancies and following sections? The way I see it both should of been something of a post traumatic syndrome leading your alters to regroup.

I am a med student, Obstetrics. I would like to understand how your pre-delivery experience caused such upset post delivery. Something went wrong, this I know but your story fascinates me into looking deeper into how the mind deciphers med team help and surgical procedures.

OB-GYN to-be

Philadelphia, PA

Dear OB-GYN, to-be,

Multiplicity is unpredictable. During my first pregnancy and delivery there was no trauma that re-activated my alters to come out to rescue me.  During my hospital stay after my first child’s birth, all was calm. The hospital was private; I had my own room and there were no students, interns, or residents coming in every five minutes. A few days later I was home and feeling great.

My daughter’s birth was chaos from the start. Different doctor and hospital. The night before my daughter’s birth I went to my appointment and told my doctor I was in labor. He didn’t believe me. He said he was going out of town and would see me next week. It was three and a half weeks before my due date and he wasn’t concerned; he assumed my pain was false labor.

By the next morning, I was definitely in labor.  I called my doctors office and was told to call back in two hours. I already knew I’d need a C-section, but I waited anyway. An hour later the office called me and said to go immediately to the emergency room. Once there I was whisked away to labor and delivery. Many doctors swarmed me; it was a teaching hospital. I believe that started my trauma. Four different doctors examined me, talked over me, and my doctor was nowhere in sight. The doctors, nurses, and others were all rushing around me, poking and prodding. I felt afraid, threatened, and abused.

The hospital was undergoing remodeling, there was construction in labor and delivery, and clear plastic heavy-gauge tarps adorned the halls and walls. It looked like a warehouse to me, like the one I was abused in, and that was another trigger. My paperwork never arrived at the hospital, no one new my history, and I never met the female doctor about to C-section me who was screaming orders to her residents. There was no sense of the calm I needed for a woman in distress and labor. I remember thinking I was in a nightmare and I thought I was about to die.

Once wheeled into the operating room, something started happening to me before I was given anesthesia. I started to not feel like myself. I now know that I switched. All of a sudden one leg was strapped down, then the other, my heart raced and before I was unconscious I felt the doctor make the first incision. I was still awake, the spinal had not taken, and the pain was torturous. I moved my leg. I guess if a person is given a spinal that should’ve been impossible. The doctor started screaming again. That’s when I went away. An alter took over at that moment, while all hell broke loose in the operating room. A mask was strapped on my face and I disappeared.

My alters lived for me for quite awhile before I sought help.  Maybe something in what I have shared will help you understand how important it is to keep the atmosphere pleasant and calm during delivery.  A multiple will switch whenever threatened. Too many people reaching and touching can also trigger alters to come forth.

Thank you for your interest in caring about how my mind, as a multiple, changed between two very different pregnancies and deliveries. I believe being strapped down before being anesthetized triggered my alter chaos. As a child I was strapped down more than a few times and my mind may have felt that abuse was at hand.

Good luck with your studies!

Karen

Comment by Carol Rose and Company on 29 Sep 2009 at 9:06 am

Dear Karen, Last night I wanted to kill myself because my alters wont let me sleep. My mind never ever shuts off. I want to ask you if when your alters were annoying your everyday life how you slept? I called my therapist, he gave me his personal cell number. By the time he returned my call I felt better because of reading your blog. I know my opinion may not be worth a dime but you had saved my life last night. I found strength through exhaustion from your writings. I told my shrink what I was doing and he said he read your book because of treating me and knew what I meant even if he didn’t read your blog. He said he will read it when he has time. He also said he was thankful for your effort to help patients like me. He also said he didn’t mind if I write you and ask questions. He said your therapist did amazing work with you and he hoped he could be as much help to me as Dr. Baer was to you. Thank you Karen.

Dear Carol Rose and Company,

Thank you for not ending your life! I am so glad to hear that you changed your mind. I understand how fragile you must be feeling at this time. The exhaustion caused from lack of sleep from alter chaos and activity will wear one down. I’ve been there, too! I don’t usually recommend medication because I hated taking meds myself but your therapist may be able to prescribe something to help you relax enough to fall asleep. Dr. Baer gave me a prescription for a low dose of Xanax, which took the edge off. I kept them for those hard nights, but rarely if ever needed them. I’ve found reading put me to sleep just as well, too!

Just like you, my thoughts never stopped. I swear, every second of each day was filled with thoughts. For me, as time passed in therapy, my constant thoughts lessened, but they never disappeared, just became more tolerable. Distraction was the key for me. Reading, music, television, anything to change my pattern of thought was welcomed.

I am glad to hear that reading my blog has helped you calm down. That’s important to me. I am also glad that you share my blog with your therapist. That tells me you are trying your best to understand your illness and all that you are experiencing. By sharing with your therapist, he can understand where you are coming from and will be better able to help you heal.

Thank you for such wonderful compliments. I believe you have found the right therapist to accompany you on your journey.  Just by what you have shared, I believe your therapist is working right beside you. That’s just the way Dr. Baer and I worked together to heal me. Teamwork at it’s best!

Karen

Comment by M on 28 Sep 2009 at 3:15 am

I switch often, sometimes up to 3 times a day, but I don’t have memory loss, usually I can still see what the others have done, its just my perspective changes.

I live huddled in my room most days in terror.

My children and I are very poor

Is this punishment from God?

Dear M,

Please don’t believe that being a multiple is punishment from God! Multiplicity is a God sent coping mechanism to help one survive traumatic events. Have faith. Trust that God wouldn’t hurt you and is always with you. Although God can’t prevent pain, take it away, or change the reality of your life, He can comfort you if you have faith and believe.

I believe that switching happens for a reason. By switching, your inner system is trying to escape from something in your present life. Maybe stress due to what you have mentioned has led your alters to try to take your pain away. Remember, alters are created to help one survive.  I would switch when reality became more than I could handle. And I would switch sometimes up to ten times in a day, depending what stresses I was unable to deal with. As time passed, with therapeutic help, my switching came less often. As I developed new ways to cope with my immediate problems, my alters felt the need to rescue me less and less.

I’m sorry that you are living huddled in your room in terror! I’ve felt that way at times, too. What helped me during those dark times was to force myself to break away from feeling trapped. I know it’s hard to do, but getting out, changing a routine, simply calling a friend, or watching a funny movie would help break my terrorized thoughts. Nights were always a problem for me. Reading a book until exhaustion took over would help me sleep, and listening to soothing music helped distract my dark thoughts from taking over my good thoughts.

Wishing you all my best as you continue your journey.

Karen

Comment by Jules on 27 Sep 2009 at 1:35 pm

I thought hey, email will get to Karen ! Yay! So VOILA! Here I am Well my thoughts are here. *tink* *tink* *tink* Yup… the monitor is there.

I’ve been praying for you as often as I think of you which is about once a day. Usually when I’m at the computer thinking of clever, useful things to say. I imagine you at the Center, taking calls, handling pretzel shortages and listening in that oh so helpful way that you do. I see you on facebook, your picture is peaceful. That’s the outsdie image you have. And it’s a truthful one because there is a part of you that is organized and very competent at what you do.

Then there’s the place where you and I connect. Karen, I admire you so much. I know how much and how many people rely on you; the answers for the blog, the peacekeeping you do in your family and the effort to get out of bed when the headaches are strong.

There are people who do amazingly great things with little or no support. They do them faithfully for years. They even do it without commendation or much thanks. Eventually, if the community, family or friends don’t help this person, the ability to give diminishes. It’s well documented in care giving situations. Karen, I don’t want you to feel overstretched, unappreciated or used. You are an inspiration to me. I love your spirit!

Thanks again for the book!

Dear Jules,

Thank you so much for all of your kind thoughts and words. I am touched to hear that I have been an important part of your life. I truly appreciate your concern over my well-being; that means a lot to me! I will continue to try my best to take care of myself as I bring hope to others. Answering questions and doing all that I can to help gives me purpose. Most of all, I believe we all can change the world, one act of kindness at a time. And yes, I am in a care-giving position, here on my blog and at work, but that’s what I love to do. I believe I was meant to share my story. I am also very aware that my spirit, just like each of ours, needs to be nurtured time and again. I am just one woman trying to live in hope of a better tomorrow.

I have faith and even during my dark moments believe I am here for a reason. I understand what you have shared regarding giving too much and not receiving back. I’ve been there quite often. I admit, there are times when I’ve given too much and am left feeling hurt. But I have learned many valuable lessons along the way. Each day I learn something new about myself.

Thank you for your heartfelt advice, gentle reminders, and for caring. I will try my best not to allow myself to be taken advantage of.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen

Comment by Marlon on 27 Sep 2009 at 11:30 am

If a movie was to be made of your story who would you personally like to see play Richard Baer and you? I think your book is movie material more than Sybil was. More than Three Faces of Eve and more than the new remake of Sybil. Why did they remake Sybil when your story was better? Why is ST not a series instead of USoT? That show is interesting but yours is more.

I am in film and one day after I make it big I’m going to call your Richard Baer and produce it. Dream Big! ST is worth it!

Marlon, New York

Dear Marlon,

Thank you for all your compliments! You pose some very interesting questions. I appreciate you believing a movie should be made. I’m not sure who should play us? There are many fine actors who could play Dr. Baer, but I think it’s harder to find an actress to play me. Since Dr. Baer was in his thirties and early forties while treating me, and I was in my mid twenties to late thirties, I would assume the actor or actress would need to play us at those ages.

If I were to choose someone to play Dr. Baer, I would choose someone who would appear stern with comforting dreamy eyes. An actor who could appear emotionless and at the same time calm spirited. Dr. Baer is not very out-going and tends to keep to himself. When he talks, he usually doesn’t look directly at you, yet during therapy his eyes would penetrate right through me with an aura of empathy, sympathy, and understanding.

I have no idea who I would pick to play me, but when I asked my friends they said Kate Winslet, Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie, or Drew Barrymore. When I asked them who could play Dr. Baer, my friends said Matt Damon or Eric Dane.

I have no idea why a re-make was made of Sybil.  Why wasn’t Switching Time chosen to be a series? I don’t know. Maybe USoT was already in process before our book was published. Whatever the reason, it was out of our control. If we were presented with an offer, most likely we would’ve been excited and felt we were a part of something wonderful.

Thank you so much for being enthusiastic and wanting to produce our story! That is very touching and admirable.

Karen

Comment by Prisca on 26 Sep 2009 at 9:38 am

Karennnnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!

i just look the questions and ur responses on ur blog..!

i always looking forward to look at it now and then!

and, wow! it makes me want to ask u question too..!

hmmmm…karen?why do u want to believe in Dr. Baer on the first place?

and why do u want to meet him and not looking for another therapists or doctors?i’m sorry if this question has been asked before~

and..

sorry for my bad englishhh!!

aww… >.<

Dear Prisca,

Thank you so much for sharing that you look forward to reading my blog. That means a lot to me! And yes, of course you can ask me questions.

I was in trouble when I first met Dr. Baer. I was depressed and didn’t want to live. I felt hopeless and didn’t care what would happen to me. I was a mess. I didn’t know that Dr. Baer was able to help me. I didn’t even like him very much at first. Actually, I hated all men, but had no energy to seek help elsewhere. I had lost the will to live. I knew I needed help and Dr. Baer was willing to help me.

I believe I must’ve had faith. I needed to start somewhere and try my best to not give up. Dr. Baer was kind to me, he didn’t scream at me, he didn’t say much at all, but he did listen. And I needed someone, anyone to listen. For the first time in my life, someone actually listened to me. I never experienced that before. As time passed, I developed the ability to feel, because he understood what I told him. I became fond of him and felt safe. Once I felt safe, I learned to trust.

My alters accepted Dr. Baer. There was never a moment when I felt the need to seek help elsewhere. Dr. Baer and I worked together well. It wasn’t easy at first, but we grew to respect each other.

Once one finds the right therapist, the work and healing begins. Changing therapists during the intense years of my therapeutic relationship would have been devastating to my alters and me. I am grateful to Dr. Baer and believe our work together was meant to be. Dr. Baer was God sent.

Thank you.

Karen

Comment by Pissed in Atlanta on 25 Sep 2009 at 4:27 pm

Karen, Karen, Karen!

Did you see MacKenzie Phillips on the Oprah Show and what she claimed her father did to her? Do you believe her? OMG I think she’s a liar! I had doubt about your story but know it could have happened. MacKenzie probaly was abused but her drug abuse was not dissociation like yours. She claims she dissociated. What do you think of a drug user and dissociation? Why would Oprah allow her to talk about Mick Jaggar and her having sex? Disgusting! Book under lock and key for Oprah supervisors to take oath? How ridulous! I am so mad at Oprah right now for her not respecting your story and taking MacKenzie’s just because she had a famous father. Horseshit!

Pissed in Atlanta

Dear P’d in Altanta,

I didn’t get a chance to watch MacKenzie Phillips the day she appeared on The Oprah Show, but I did track down the recorded show from a friend and not only watched MacKenzie but also her sister Chynna on Friday. I won’t judge anyone. Maybe what she claimed was true?  I believe abuse is abuse, and that MacKenzie perhaps did suffer at the hands of her father. I thought she was brave to share, but also hated to see that she was taking responsibility for her part in her supposed “consensual” relationship with her father. In my opinion, at thirteen years old, as a minor, she was raped by her father.

As I listened to MacKenzie share with Oprah, I didn’t believe she was aware that what she experienced was rape. I thought she was in denial because she felt it was consensual. I believe as time passed she became compliant because she, like me, had mistaken the inappropriate boundaries of her loving father. MacKenzie may have believed sex was love. When a child is sexually abused, it is not making love. I can’t believe her father told her he didn’t rape her, but made love to her. That’s exactly how my father led me to believe that he loved me, that sexually abusing me was God’s word, and that bond was meant to be. Sickening, yes; disgusting, yes; inappropriate, yes; a father’s love? No.

MacKenzie never claimed to have a dissociative disorder; she claimed to have blackouts from drug use. The fact that her father helped administer the drugs is horrific. To take advantage of his daughter for sexual pleasure is rape no matter how you try to explain it away. Rape is rape. While Oprah interviewed MacKenzie, I don’t believe she was prepared for her to say anything about Mick Jagger. I believe Oprah was shocked, too.

I can understand the secrecy about the book the Oprah staff needed observe, but there was too much drama surrounding that fact. Although I would’ve encouraged Oprah and her staff to question my relatives and friends, too, I would’ve been upset at constantly trying to prove my story. To me, if the staff needs proof, don’t cause more distress on the victim. I know exactly what MacKenzie may have felt like trying to prove all that happened to her.

As I shared my story, there was a time I also feared what my family, friends, and acquaintances would think of me. It’s very hard to share knowing that some will deny and not believe you. However, my reason for sharing is the same as MacKenzie’s: to bring truth to what can happen to a child when left unprotected. To be sexually abused by one’s father is the most damaging act to a daughter’s self-esteem and her ability to move forward.

In my opinion, and this was not mentioned, I believe MacKenzie didn’t understand the full impact of what had happened to her until after her father’s death. As an abused woman matures, she then starts to realize that she was taken advantage of. No father, no father figure, no man, period, should ever sexually abuse a child, no matter what.

I don’t know that Oprah has even read my story, and therefore don’t believe she has shown me disrespect. Oprah simply hasn’t responded. My father wasn’t famous, I am not famous, and our book, Switching Time, was Dr. Baer’s first published book. Our story is amazing and remarkable and definitely one of a kind. But whatever Oprah’s reason is for not choosing to have us as guests, it’s beyond my comprehension. I understand you feel pissed over my story not being shared on The Oprah Show.  I would love to meet her.

I am touched that you believe in Dr. Baer and our work together to heal me. I am very grateful for everything that came my way to help me. I’ve been blessed and I’m not pissed at anyone.

Thank you for sharing your frustrations and concern. I appreciate hearing true feelings of those who read my story. We all have opinions and there are many false stories out there.

Karen