Comment by Hollie on 21 May 2012 at 11:06 am

Hi Karen,

Hope your well. I have just finished reading Switching Time and lets say that if I hadn’t had college and had to cook and clean, and parent I would never have put it down. I have started writing the script and lets just say I am finding it really difficult to imagine it but I do have a couple of questions that have searched for the answers in the book and I don’t think that they are in there.

How long did each session become and in the end once you had integrated all the alters?

How did you feel once you realized that you weren’t actually living your days, others were?

The lack of sleep, how did that bother you? I know personally that I love sleep and I wouldn’t have handled life knowing that when I thought I was asleep I was actually driving around.

Last one, where did Holdon drive at night?

You are in my thoughts constantly.

Kind regards,

Hollie

Dear Hollie,

It’s nice to hear from you! I am doing well and continuing my work in writing the sequel to my story. So much has happened since the book came out and it’s my desire to encourage hope for what comes after integration and years of therapy. I’m glad you finished reading my story and I’ll do my best to answer your questions.

How long did each session become and in the end once you had integrated all the alters?

My sessions were usually either 30 or 45 minutes, but on occasion could last nearly one and a half hours. It continued that way even after all my alters were integrated. My therapy lasted eighteen years. Dr. Baer and I met once a week and spoke by phone 2 to 3 times per week for about 15 to 30 minutes. My therapy was intense, exhausting and appeared never ending. But in the end both Dr. Baer and I learned enough to help me heal and to live a productive life. I’m truly blessed.

How did you feel once you realized that you weren’t actually living your days, others were?

How did I feel? Exhausted and overwhelmed with anxiety at first, but after things settled down a bit and after learning the reasons my life felt chaotic, I came to understand the reasons behind my distress. There is nothing worse than spending an entire day doing things and not know what it was you had done. At night my alters filled in my thoughts and I was given a story about my day, rich with the events but void of feelings. I felt as if I never lived and this saddened me terribly.  For example, in my artwork and drawings, I never could claim them because I was void of the experience my alter Jensen had when doing the actual work. Realistically, the artwork was drawn with my physical hands, but not with my present mind. After each alter accomplished integration, I felt a sense of calm knowing I did take part in all these things, just in pieces.

The lack of sleep, how did that bother you? I know personally that I love sleep and I wouldn’t have handled life knowing that when I thought I was asleep I was actually driving around.  Where did Holdon drive at night?

I know what you mean. I was definitely sleep deprived for many years, more so when my alters were active. The lack of sleep bothered me, but I didn’t realize I lacked sleep at the time.  My body knew, but I did not. Let me explain. When I would go to sleep at night, my alter Holdon and a few other alters would rise to complete tasks left undone from my day. Holdon would drive to put his mind at ease; he did his best thinking during the quiet peacefulness he found in driving with no interruptions during the dark of night, with no visual distractions or noise coming from my children.  Later, Katherine would rise and clean the house so that when I awoke the dishes were done, children’s lunches packed, and their clothes set out.  It would be a great asset to wake today and have a clean house!

I may joke about missing those times, but it was actually frightening. Can you imagine waking and not knowing what you had done all night, after not knowing what you had done all day? I was a mess! Once Dr. Baer discovered Holdon’s driving during the night, I paid attention to the odometer in my car, and made a point of recording the mileage when I parked and once again when I started the car the next day. There were days that nearly 200 miles were unaccounted for, as well as an empty gas tank. I assume Holdon simply drove the highways without any particular destination. The purpose of Holdon’s drives was simply to be himself and do something he loved to do…drive.

I hope these answers are helpful and please keep in touch! Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Sam on 17 May 2012 at 3:51 pm

Karen

It has been determined that D.I.D. is a form of being abused to an extreme yet many have been abused. What makes someone dissociate instead to working though the ups and down that come from being abused? Why do some people who were abused turn to drugs and alcohol, violence and bad behavior and others like you who are nice and giving but hurt so badly you could not live as one person? What causes a person to be one or the other?

Dear Sam,

Thank you for your question. I’m not sure why I dissociated in order to survive. My life continues to be a mystery to me in many respects. Growing up in a violent household with repetitive abuse may have caused my mind to fragment into being many part persons, in order to escape the experience of abuse. The way I see my survival is as a God-sent coping mechanism, beyond my comprehension and control, but it gave me an ability to live my life.

Though dissociation protected my memory kept me safe from inner turmoil, at school I was bullied. My classmates could never figure me out. I appeared distant most of the time. I suffered severe headaches, and I appeared shabby while sporting many bruises. No one, including the Catholic nuns who taught me, paid me any attention. I was a loner, neglected, and pretty much hid in plain site. I was not popular, cried a lot, and avoided making friendships.

Abuse is abuse. How each person experiences abuse is through his or her own unique way of surviving the trauma that comes from being a victim.  Mine happened to be through dissociation. I was fortunate not to turn to drugs and alcohol for more than a few reasons. For one, I was forced to clean up the empty beer bottles every morning after my father’s parties, which held beer dampened cigarette butts. This smell alone disgusts me, and to this day I can’t tolerate the smell. Another reason is I needed to be vigilant at all times in order to switch alters. If I was under the influence of alcohol, I could not function in survivor mode. I needed to be on my best behavior at all times to mask the truth of my multiplicity.

I believe my multiplicity was a God-sent miracle, an ultimate survival mechanism. I was lucky. I thank God and Dr. Baer for getting me through many difficult times.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Loretta on 14 May 2012 at 5:01 pm

Read your book and thought of you today. Did you know how much help you are? I haven’t read a story as helpful as yours and believe it’s God’s way of using you to help others. Thank you for allowing yourself to give so graciously through your story. Can’t wait to read your sequel!

Loretta

Dear Loretta,

Thank you for your kind compliments and thinking of me; your thoughts touched my heart! I never know how much my story may have helped someone unless they write and share with me as you did. For that I’m grateful. I feel privileged to hear back from someone, whether my story helped or disturbed them, because knowing helps me understand myself better. It’s always been my hope and desire that those who read my story leave with the knowledge of what can happen to a child who has been repeatedly abused during childhood. Not all children survive through dissociation. I was blessed to receive such a God-sent coping mechanism. I honestly feel heartbroken for those who can not dissociate while being abused. I was fortunate to survive. God never once left me.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Marcie on 17 Apr 2012 at 8:41 pm

Hi Karen,

Thank you for answering me on facebook. You are a strong courageous woman and I am relieved to know you are still alive after hearing you died from suicide. I pray you stay well and work on your sequel, people like me really want to know how you do it and what makes you happy. Good luck in your future life.

Dear Marcie,

I’m glad I’m still alive, too! I highly doubt I will ever commit suicide. Why? Because there are too many people in my life that I would hurt if I did. I’m blessed to have had the best support and help possible from Dr. Baer, friends, and family. But this does not mean that I never have thoughts about ending my life. Those dark thoughts from the past still creep into my life every now and then. What do I do when this happens? I stop and think hard about how far I’ve come. I think of all those dear to me. I think of the survivor I am. And then I lay those dark thoughts aside and find something to be thankful for. This past year I read the book One Thousand Gifts, A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. This book really helped me turn my dark thoughts into thankfulness. I even took the challenge and started to list my 1,000 “Thankfulls.” It helped change my focus and concentrate on the positives in life.

Thank you for your interest and good luck wishes. I will continue to work on the sequel.

Karen

Comment by Jack on 11 Apr 2012 at 11:42 am

HI KAREN. IM HAPPY I FOUND YOU. I DIDNT READ YOUR BOOK BUT MAYBE SOMEDAY I CAN. BUT I LIKE READING YOUR BLOG CAUSE IT GIVES ME HOPE WE CAN GET BETTER. THANKS FOR BEING HERE. I HOPE YOUR DOING GOOD TODAY.

Dear Jack,

I am good today! Thank you for asking! I know that since this post you’ve read my story and I treasure the kind thoughts you shared in your healing journey. Thank you for your openness and sharing your pain with me. I felt privileged to be the one you chose to open up to. I’m glad to hear that you’ve found a therapist and continue to work hard on your recovery. I have faith in you! You can do it!

Please know that I will be keeping you close in thought and prayer.

Karen

Comment by Martha J. on 11 Apr 2012 at 8:37 am

Hi Karen!

I found your story amazing! I pray you are doing good. Are you an artist now? What kind of art are you doing? Love to see what an integrated survivor comes up with after becoming whole. Best wishes to you!

Martha

Dear Martha,

Thank you! I’m doing well after a period of rediscovery of my true self. I’ve had an amazing year of growth and have learned more about life and myself than I ever thought possible! I’m an artist at heart and I can feel it. I know there is a creative side to me, but besides painting a mural and some smaller things, I haven’t done much artistically. I’ve been writing, and to me that’s also an art form, as it creates something wonderful. Art is always on my mind, creating something unique is present and it is my hope to one day accomplish a picture painted in my mind and paint it on a canvas. As always, I continue to dream. I believe anyone can accomplish anything they put their mind to. It’s just a matter of time for me.

It intrigues me that you would love to see what I, an integrated survivor, come up with after integration. Interesting thought. I would love to find out, too! Wish me luck! My imagination is on fire at this moment! I may start something today! Thanks for the nudge!

Best wishes back to you!

Karen

Comment by Ben on 02 Apr 2012 at 9:32 pm

What is your sequel about and when will it be out?

Dear Ben,

Thank you for wondering about the sequel to Switching Time.  It’s my hope that one day it will be published, but it is a long way away from being ready. I’ve been writing, but I needed to step back a bit, and do some re-writing before its finished. I had an amazing year of growth and discovered more about myself, my past, and my capabilities, and I grew spiritually as well. Much of what I had written over a year ago has needed revising.

I’m not sure if the “new me” along with my new thoughts and writing will be published, but I most certainly hope it will be! I’m committed to helping those who have been abused or know of someone who has been abused. I love to write, I have faith, and I believe that with God’s will, a sequel will be published, hopefully sooner than later.

I truly appreciate your interest. I’m blessed and have many who write to me wanting to know more.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Kelly on 21 Mar 2012 at 2:09 pm

Thank you for letting us know on Facebook when you refresh your blog. You are great and your answers to questions are caring and right on target. My question is have you ever done anything unpredictable at the spur of the moment now that you are one? Have you continued your creativity in art?

Dear Kelly,

Thank you for sharing and for your kind thoughts! It helps me to hear feedback on what I do. I have been a bit behind on my blog as I’ve tended to other life changes this year, but it’s my desire to catch up as best I can.

I have to admit, I smiled at your question about doing anything unpredictable or at the spur of the moment.  Yes, I do!  All the time!  I adapt easily and am always open to doing something unpredictable, within reason of course, when the opportunity presents itself. I believe I have good judgment and trust my instincts when making sudden changes. I love art and yes, I continue to do creative things. I recently painted a mural of trees at a church and have painted a few other things, such as a giant rocking chair. I may even start painting pictures again.

See you on Facebook!

Karen

Comment by S.M. on 21 Mar 2012 at 10:23 am

Hi Karen. I just finished your book and you are certainly a woman to be admired! I cried so many times throughout the book feeling your pain. My question to you is, how was your relationship with your brothers while growing up? Did they see the abuse? And how was the relationship with your “mother” after the integration of all the alters? Wishing you the best! You are my hero.

Dear S.M.,

Thank you for your compliments! I truly appreciate hearing that I’ve made a difference in your life. I can understand how you could cry while reading my story. I shed many tears myself whenever I think back to that time in my past. I try my best to focus on the positive: that I’ve survived! When my thoughts overwhelm me, I try to look forward. My past was full of pain, but my future is full of promise and hope.

My role with my siblings while growing up was with me as the protector, mini-mother, and helper. I did everything in my power to keep them safe and protected. Most of the time I succeeded, but not always. There were times I was there, but in pain, or tied down, when I could not reach them. My brothers were abused, too, but not in the same way.  They were beaten and they witnessed my being taken away, and the many acts they may not have understood as children, but came to understand as adults.

My mother and I do talk.  She continues to be someone I do not share much with. In the past, in order to keep myself safe and my mother at a distance, one alter was created specifically to deal with her. My mother is a narcissist and was more concerned with herself than what her children endured. My mother turned her back on us and justified this by claiming she didn’t know because her children never told her. This may be true in part; we were threatened never to tell. But as a mom myself, I would’ve have seen the signs, I would’ve protected my children. My mother chose not to protect us.

All my best,

Karen

Comment by Lisa A on 20 Mar 2012 at 9:01 am

Hi Karen,

“I Love You!” my quote for the day. You have touched my soul by your never ending inspirational posts on facebook and now that I discovered you here I am even more inspired by your faith to continue on with your life. What inspires me most is that you are real and not like one of those phony make believe people who say what people want to hear. If you are not well you say so and that is of utmost importance. I can tell God sent you as one of his messengers. I hope I am not making you uncomfortable. Do you attend public appearances anymore?

Dear Lisa,

Awww… Thank you for the “I Love You!” How endearing!  I appreciate hearing that you enjoy my Facebook postings, I love to inspire and Facebook helps me stay optimistic through its ability to connect with people around the world. It’s amazing to wake up and read letters from the U.K., Australia, and throughout the USA! My Facebook friends inspire me, too!

As I have written to you on Facebook, I’m blessed to be able to help others, but currently I’ve not been making appearances. Maybe there will be another time where I’m asked, along with Dr. Baer!

No, you are not making me feel uncomfortable, but I have to say I’m glad that you understand my need to step away for awhile as I took another path along my journey to wellness.  I will always care and be here for those in need. I love to receive messages, emails, and letters from my friends.

Looking forward to hearing from you again; thank you for your friendship!

Karen