Comment by Erin Leigh on 27 Oct 2009 at 4:48 pm

Dear Karen,

I am twenty one and was raped by my uncle when I was thirteen. I am not a mpd patient but whenever my extended family gets together on holidays to celebrate I think I dissociate. I swear I must erase the entire time my uncle is present. My mom yells at me for not remembering some of the greater moments, jokes and pleasant conversations claiming I don’t care. I space out a lot with them on holidays and people tell me I am not paying attention. I don’t mean to be that way but can’t remember whenever my rapist is present. Could I have a dissociative disorder of another type? Am I blocking out like you lost time? Can you ask Dr. Baer if I should do something about my memory or forget about it? Will I grow out of it on my own? I don’t want to see a therapist because I don’t want to be medicated with psych drugs. I never have any problems with memory in any other area of my life with friends, school or work. I am honored to have read your story. I admire you courage to share. Thank you.

Erin Leigh

Dear Erin Leigh,

Thank you for sharing. I understand what you are experiencing when you are in the presence of your past abuser. I’ve felt the same many times. I know how difficult it is when one member of your family is the abuser and you wish to be with the rest of the family. It’s hard to function in that type of atmosphere. You really have no other choice but to leave, or risk bringing what happened out in the open. Either way is met with dilemma. I believe your family needs to know, in part, why you are having such a hard time at family functions.  Have you thought of sharing at least with your parents? Maybe they can help you seek the appropriate help.

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but I believe what you are experiencing is some form of dissociation. I don’t believe it’s the same as multiplicity. You haven’t mentioned an alter taking your place. Whenever I was in the presence of my abusers, I went “away.” I couldn’t bear to hear his voice, smell his cologne, or engage in a conversation. Immediately upon contact with my abuser, my head would start pounding; I’d become distant and feel nauseous. I thought I had to maintain composure so that no one would know the truth. Little did I know at the time that my behavior was affecting everyone around me. I was often thought of as a sick child, and never able to enjoy a holiday. My mother blamed my behavior on the after-effects of brain surgery, which wasn’t true. My illness came from being a victim of abuse.

Please seek a qualified therapist who can help you sort out those dark thoughts. I believe the longer anyone waits to address inner pain from past abuse the harder it becomes to heal. I held in my abuse and created alters.

Please know that not all therapists prescribe psych medications. I rarely if ever took medication. Talk therapy can achieve the best results. When you find a therapist, make it clear to him that you prefer not to be medicated.  The therapist will respect your wishes.

Wishing you all my best as you begin your own journey toward healing.

Karen

Comment by Oswald MD on 27 Oct 2009 at 2:48 pm

What do you think about people to constantly try to give you suggestions? Do you take suggestions or not? What do you do when you decide to take a few days off? Thank you for writing your story with Richard Baer. The book was extremely well put together and informative. ST was needed to break ground on dissociative differences. I am in the med field and hate the fact the diagnosis name was changed from MPD to DID, A STUPID move on the Board of Psychiatry. What were they thinking? My curiosity of you has me wondering why I am concerned for your mental well being. Should I be? Should anyone be? Can’t explain why but for some reason find you never at rest or taking time off for yourself. Why work so hard for Richard Baer? What has he been doing lately to encourage knowledge of his treatment of you? Is he providing informative seminars, speaking at medical conferences, overseeing new cases of mpd? What? Anything? Haven’t heard a word about him, only you.

Oswald MD

Dear Dr. Oswald,

In my opinion most people love to give suggestions on what someone else should do, where they should go, and how they should live their life. I believe the people in my life, as well as in each of our lives, simply give suggestions because they truly care and want what’s best for us.

When I receive a suggestion from someone, I will listen intently to that suggestion, and if the suggestion is a good one, I will consider it, even if it goes against my own instincts. Just because I don’t know someone very well doesn’t mean they don’t have my best interests at heart. In sharing my story, I’ve allowed other people to connect with me. It’s just the way I am. Suggestions can be good. Trusting one’s own instincts first is always a must.

I’m not sure what the American Psychiatric Association was thinking when they switched the term Multiple Personality Disorder to Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I would love to hear what their thoughts were when they did.  In my opinion, when the term MPD is used, everyone knows it’s exact meaning. When DID is used, it’s vague and covers a wide range of dissociative disorders, leaving it unclear as to what kind of dissociation a person suffers from. Personally, MPD, or multiplicity, are my choices to explain the illness I suffered and survived.

Thank you for your questions, compliments, and concerns about my well-being. I continue to do the best I can to get through each day. I enjoy the work I do and am inspired to continue on in the hope I will help others through their own personal journeys. Dr. Baer and I worked very hard together to share our story. Sharing my story has given me purpose. I love what I do.

Karen

Comment by Jodie Jordan on 25 Oct 2009 at 1:36 pm

Karen, I am so happy that you can become one and get healed. How can I become one when I try so hard to be a woman, a female that my body tells me I am, yet deep down there is a man, a male that resides in me. It is so painful. It cost me my success and many things in life. I struggle to even progress in 1 direction as inside me there is so much conflict. What do you have to say that can make me feel better. Sometimes I am so depressed and sad. I wish I could just be normal.

Dear Jodie,

I understand how you are feeling. I know it’s hard to imagine becoming one and believing it’s possible to feel your body as your own.  I had doubts, too. I never felt quite like a woman and felt devastated when I learned that I not only had an adult male alter but four boys, too! I couldn’t understand and surely didn’t want to accept them as a part of me. That was until I understood the reason why male alters were created in the first place.

My alter Holdon was the father figure I needed, Jensen was a black male child because my father was prejudiced against race; Sidney was the little boy my father longed for; Miles was male to be tough; and Karl was male to protect and hold all pain.  Since I harbored male alters, I usually dressed casually, wore little to no make-up, and rarely wore a dress.

There were days I felt more male than female, but after integration, I clearly became all woman. I have no desire to become a man, nor do I ever feel those male parts of me anymore. I believe we all have both female and male interests within us. When life is disrupted by abuse, those feelings get confused and start to fragment, leaving us unable to distinguish who we really are. My alters are me, I am all of them. Together we are female.

I wish you all my best as you continue on your own journey. We all journey through life, and no two lives are alike.  I healed with help.

Karen

Comment by Facebook Friend on 24 Oct 2009 at 1:12 pm

Karen, I LOVE YOU! I mean OMG all the inspiration you pass on here and on facebook, especially those great videos from around the world on love, peace, unity, etc. Great knowing you! You make me want to get up and sing…Thanks a bunch!

Dear Facebook Friend,

Thank you for sharing your love of my Facebook postings! That means a lot to me. I share when something inspires me. I am glad that you enjoy them, too!

Love to hear you sing!

Karen

Comment by Student on 29 Oct 2009 at 6:47 pm

Dear Karen,

I attend school with Dr. Baer’s daughter and read your story. I am happy you are well and thankful Dr. Baer was able to help you. I wish I could be brave like you and ask for help. I was sexually abused by my father but won’t say anything until I finish college. He’s paying and threatened to stop paying if I say a word. Won’t leave my name. But after reading your story the first chance I get after graduation I will find a great doctor to help me. Until then I will continue on doing my best to get through my sleepless nights. I am inspired by you. I think you are terrific. I am hoping to find my own Dr. Baer some day.

Student, 2 years to go

Dear Student,

Thank you for sharing. I believe you are already brave. You wrote me and that’s an important first step to reaching out to someone, anyone. The fact that you are aware of needing help is most important. But waiting another two years because you feel threatened by your father, for tuition, may cause you more unnecessary anxiety and stress. Living in fear is not living.

Please don’t wait. All doctors must follow confidentiality laws. No therapist has the right to share your information without your permission. You are an adult now and don’t need your father’s permission to seek help. At this time seeking help and keeping that help secret is much more wise than protecting your abusive father. You mentioned you are a college student. There may be a counselor at school that you can share with in confidence. Receiving supportive help at this time may help you sleep better.

I admit, it may be difficult in the beginning to talk about the abuse you suffered while you are trying to focus on your studies, but in the long run you will feel much better about yourself. Therapy provided me with a sense of calm, and after each session a weight lifted from my shoulders. I chose to be discrete and rarely shared my therapy with anyone. For me, it was best to heal and gain strength without outside influence.

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion you have already started the process of trying to understand your memories, thoughts, and feelings. Maybe you are ready and should seek help sooner rather than later. I was very fortunate to find Dr. Baer. I believe you can find a good therapist, too!

Wishing you peace at this time of discovery.

Karen