Comment by Marvin on 31 Jan 2010 at 4:41 pm

Herschel Walker was on a interview on ESPN I think sports channel yesterday. He talked about his multiple personality disorder. I googled his book and read your comment. I ordered your book instead. I think you are smarter than the average bear. Your answers here prove that. I can’t wait to get your book. I have my doubts about Herschel. My sister was diagnosed as DID. Hope to learn something from you. I already did here on your blog. Thanks a lot.

Dear Marvin,

Thank you for sharing! I didn’t hear Herschel Walker’s interview yesterday so I dare not comment. I believe Herschel suffered some unhappiness, as I wrote in my comment on his book, but I believe the book to be more of a football story than a story on the incomprehensible illness of multiple personality disorder. Each multiple is unique and no two can be compared. There are few similarities in our stories; I experienced abuse–constant, consistent, and repeated sexual abuse, emotional control, and degradation during my entire childhood. That’s what caused my alters.  I didn’t find any of that in Herschel’s story. But who am I to judge? Therefore, I won’t.

Thank you for your compliments and for choosing to buy Switching Time. I bought and read Herschel Walker’s book myself. Not sure if he ever read mine. Bringing awareness to the truth of the illness multiplicity, is what’s most important. You may need to read more than a few books to understand your sister’s suffering. Please know that what’s most important is being there for her, listening to her, and never making a big deal of her alters when she switches. Treat her with respect and as one person. I’m glad to hear she has a compassionate kind brother like you to help her.

Dr. Baer will smile when he reads you think I’m smarter than the average bear.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Jacob on 30 Jan 2010 at 7:52 pm

Karen,

Have you ever heard of soul murder? You were soul murdered by your abusers. How is your spirit and soul holding up? How you recovered is a miracle only granted by God. I am shocked you weren’t murdered by your abusers. Why are you not dead? You should be dead. You are one woman who cheated death through dissociation. Do you even realize your God gift to lose time? You would be dead if it weren’t for your alters. I am proud of your ability to survive. A true fighter you are. Great book. Definitely a story worth writing about.

Dear Jacob,

Yes, I have heard of soul murder, and yes, I have felt and experienced the same. There was a time when I felt as if I were living, but dead.  I, too, believe it was a miracle that I survived all that I’ve gone through. My faith was tested time and again. I always wondered why I didn’t die. Some days I believe I would’ve been better off if I had. But truthfully, I believe there is a reason for everything. It wasn’t my time to die back then and it isn’t my time to die now. I have faith that I’m not through with living here on earth until my purpose is fulfilled. I’ve been saved time and again. There must be a reason for that. And God willing, I will continue to get up each day until my time comes.

I’ve been lucky. I believe that Dr. Baer was God sent, and that my survival and sharing my story was meant to be. That’s why I continue to do the best I can, each day, to help those who need help.

Thank you for believing in me, for all your compliments, and for acknowledging my faith-filled journey.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Mrs. M., Seattle, WA on 30 Jan 2010 at 8:53 am

Dear Karen,

You inspire me. I learned more about you from your answers here. I followed your progress and have gained my strength through hearing about yours. I had a son in the Marines like you. I am comforted by your stories and faith in your journey. Not only have you overcome horrific abuse, gone through a divorce, been mis-treated at so many levels, supported your son during his entire life and through war, a daughter through college and God only knows what else? You are the strongest woman I know. I lost my son in Iraq two months ago. Today out of nowhere I thought of you again. I re-read your story today, it took eight hours. I tried to find the part about your Marine son and it wasn’t in the book.I feel a connection to your compassionate ways. I figured what I was looking for was in your blog answers but don’t know where your answer is that shared about your son serving in Iraq. I know it is somewhere in all these questions but could you please share what your thoughts were if you lost your son in Iraq? Do you have letters from your son when he was there or pictures? I have none.Thank you for being a survivor of abuse, a survivor of manipulation, a survivor as a mom of a Marine, a survivor to get out of a hatred relationship. How do you survive? What is your secret? I found a little peace watching the respect the miltary showed in a movie. I didn’t know what happens when a fallen soldier is transported home. My son was transported home. Like in the movie Taking Chance. Did you see it? I am proud of my son’s service. He was 23. I think you are very brave. I suffered the loss of my son, never been abused but feel abused. Please pray for me. I will pray for you.

Mrs. M. Seattle, WA

Dear Mrs. M,

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your son. I know how proud you must be of him for making the commitment to serve our country. Please know that your son died an honorable death and will always be remembered and respected for his service. I have shared some information about my son’s Marine tours here on my blog. I have always believed in him and said often that if my son would have been killed, I would be proud of him for dying for our country. Losing a child is the worse pain a mother can experience: whether in war, accident; or by illness. As parents we never think of losing our children. We can’t control when death comes, but we can continue to honor those who die though keeping their memory in a good light.

Thank you for reading my story again, but the part of my son’s service as a Marine in Iraq was not included in the book. In the book, my journey stopped after integration and only included a summary of the years afterwards. My son’s service started in 2001. He was in one of the very first units to cross into Iraq, on the first day of the war. My son sent letters and pictures and I have always treasured them. I was fortunate.

Today I rented the movie “Taking Chance” and watched it. I understand now how you felt. I, too, believe that our military treats our fallen soldiers with the utmost respect. I never knew that each fallen soldier is accompanied personally back home. The movie brought tears to my eyes. I have great respect for you, your son, and all those who took care of him on his journey back home.

You have asked how I survived all that I have endured?  One day at a time, without looking back to the dark times and trying to hold on to good memories. I try my best to live in the present and look forward in faith toward my future.

I believe at this time you are feeling abused because you are hurting. Grief can feel like abuse. I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but I encourage you to seek someone to discuss your thoughts and feelings during this time.

Please take care of yourself and know that I will be praying for you.

Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Brian on 29 Jan 2010 at 5:01 pm

Hi Karen.

I read your book for class and my questions are:

1. If you were a child victim of abuse and rape and didn’t know you were being abused and raped then how could it affect you as being abused or raped?

2. Isn’t it true that you need to know what’s happening to you to know would be affected by it?

3. If you didn’t know about everything then how did your mind create alters when there was no knowledge present of wrongdoing?

4. How do you explain your ability to create your way of coping?

Thanks much.

Brian

New Buffalo, MI

Dear Brian,

Thank you for your challenging questions. I will attempt to answer them as best I can. A child doesn’t understand the act of rape. I never knew or understood that I was being raped. For me, as a child, it was all about being traumatized and being forced to comply. A child doesn’t need to understand what is happening to her, a child simply believes that the abusers act out of love, painful love. A child doesn’t know any better. As for me, I believed all children were treated the same. It was confusing, and I didn’t know any better. I was a child and hadn’t developed a true sense of right and wrong.

I’m not sure how to explain my creation of multiplicity. It’s an incomprehensible illness. I’m not a therapist and can’t answer professionally, but in my opinion, I believe my alters were created from the trauma that came from being manipulated, sexually abused and controlled, day in and day out, in a persistent manner. I believe my mind created a sophisticated coping mechanism that fragmented my abuse into pieces, like a puzzle before being put together. These puzzle pieces were divided up between my alters with each alter sharing part of my memory, until I was able to deal with it all in a safe manner.

I hope I have answered your questions.

Karen

Comment by Cheyenne Woman on 28 Jan 2010 at 9:39 a

Dear karen,

I am an Indian woman and proud of my faith.I came across your book in the school library and it drew me into a pain my mother shared with me long ago. I believe she was like you but was cast out by her family as an evil spirit. I never believes so. sadly, she suicided when I was eight from the shame that so many laid upon her, i know this because she had left many journals and my father presented them to me on my 21st. birthday. I am shocked by her past abuse including that of my father. Why my father never read these journals I can’t decide.I would not have given them to my daughter if him. I thought about your story of continuous abuse and see that in my mothers story. Thanks you for telling your story it helped me understand my mother’s.

Dear Cheyenne Woman,

I appreciate you sharing your story. Though sad, it’s wonderful to have received your mother’s journals to help you understand her better. I am not a therapist and can only share my thoughts and opinions. Maybe your father never read the journals in fear of knowing more than he wished to? Maybe he did read them and decided not to say and give them to you as a gift to help you get to know your mother. Whatever your father’s reason doesn’t matter at this time. What’s most important is hearing your mother’s voice in the written words of her journals. What a precious gift and priceless knowledge.

I believe if you have found similarities in my story that helped you understand your mother then she may have been a multiple without knowing it. She may not have understood the pain she was in. If she had written about being abused and shared that her family deemed her as evil, then how sad for her to suicide before receiving professional and supportive help. I felt devastated when my family thought the same of me. I’m sure your mother felt hurt, alone, and sad. I’m sure she may have not thought clearly before she chose to suicide. I believe her inner pain was so horrific that she may have thought you would be better off without her. How unfortunate she didn’t understand; she may have been able to live her life if she had received the appropriate help.

What you have shared with me will take time to absorb and overcome. You didn’t mention whether you are talking with someone yourself.  In my opinion, if I were you, I would talk with someone about my thoughts and feelings.

Wishing you peace and a sense of calm as you continue to journey through learning your mother’s story.

Karen

Comment by Helena on 29 Jan 2010 at 5:24 pm

Dear Karen,

I can’t believe how much love I felt for you while reading your story. I felt like holding you, loving you and taking care of you. I hope you never hurt again. I am glad to have found your website. I am glad you found Dr. Richard Baer to help you. I am glad you didn’t end your life through suicide. I love your peacefull heart. I would like to know if you finally can feel the love that surrounds you. I envision you protected by angels, lots of angels. I am truly blessed and honored to have read your story. Thank you Richard Baer for doing this. Thank you Karen.

Helena

Dear Helena,

I have been hurt and will be hurt again. Why? It’s inevitable. Humans make mistakes and hurt each other. It’s hard to live in reality and still have faith that all people will respect you and not mistreat you. How I wish to live in a world of peace, love, faith, and kindness towards one another.  Where those you’ve grown to trust keep their word and never change the way they feel for you. That unconditional love and acceptance will be maintained as an unshakable bond of respect. That would be great! What a wonderful world it would be!

I continue to try my best to keep faith upfront in my thoughts. I am blessed to have survived. I feel fortunate to have received all the help I did. I believe my meeting Dr. Baer was meant to be.

Thank you for all your compliments; I truly appreciate hearing them. I’ve been told that there are many angels surrounding me. I do believe I feel love and am capable of returning that love. That alone is a miracle to me!

I will send on your thank you to Dr. Baer. Wishing you all my best!

Karen

Comment by Kathy on 27 Jan 2010 at 5:27 pm

Hello Karen,

I cried when I read your answer to Lilly, the woman grieving in Pittsburg. I lost my therapist,too. He died one year ago and I haven’t dealt with it yet. My entire year was a blur of confusion. No other therapist ever contacted me to offer help. I still feel as if I am grieving. My therapist was a kind elderly psychiatrist who died of pancreatic cancer at sixty one years old. I was his patient for eleven years. What bothers me most is we built a bond and he never told me he was dying. I saw my therapist once every two weeks how did I not know? I am taking this as an act of betrayal or a slap in the face from him.

Unlike Lilly, my therapists secretary called and told me that he found out only three months before his death and appeared to be doing well. I can try to accept that. I mean three months wasn’t that long. I went to the service and was glad I did. I felt numb but never made a scene and paid my respects. Lilly needs to do this even if her therspists family didn’t invite her. I would appear anyway. Who will stop her?

I respect my therapist and his family. I really wanted to tell Lilly not to wait for someone from his office to call her, it won’t happen. Lilly, you need to take the first step and call the office to talk to someone. Dont be like me and make a mistake. I called for my appointment today, one year late but not too late. Thank you Karen for posting your empathetic answer.

Karen, I’m sorry for addressing Lilly on your blog but I am grateful for your wisdom which is far more balanced than my own. Just saying. You are a remarkable woman.

Thank you,

Kathy

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for the grief you are experiencing. I can empathize with how you are feeling. As I read your story I noticed you mentioned that your therapist recently heard of his grim diagnosis shortly before his death. Therapists are human, too. He may have needed to process his own thoughts before sharing with his patients. He may have believed he had more time. I’m sorry that no support was provided for you. Hearing that saddens me. I might have felt the same as you but realistically I don’t believe for a moment that your therapist meant to betray you. And as for the feeling of being slapped in the face, he wouldn’t have done that. Please remember your therapist unconditionally cared for you for eleven years and was most certainly personally devastated by his illness. Please try to remember the good in him and not the dark thoughts you are currently harboring.

I am glad to hear you have made an effort to seek counseling again after reading Lilly’s letter. I’m glad you chose to share your feelings here on my blog in hope for Lilly to hear you. I hope she has read this post. What your therapist’s secretary did, calling you to share your therapist’s death, was what all therapists should do if there comes a time for such a call. After all, that is the respectful thing to do.

Thank you for your compliments! Wishing you all my best as you re-start your therapy. I have faith in you. I am inspired by your determination to go back and help yourself.

Karen

Comment by Jules on 27 Jan 2010 at 4:58 pm

Dear Karen,

Are you going to be leaving comments on the new seasons of United States of Tara blog? I find your comments challenging and to the point. I hope to see you on the board again! Oh! Thank you for being you.Thank Richard Baer for being him and taking care of you. You are one lucky woman. He is one lucky therapist.

Jules

Dear Jules,

Yes, I hope to continue commenting on the USoT message board. Thank you for believing my comments are challenging. I appreciate your faith that we made a great team! I agree, I am one lucky woman and Dr. Baer is one lucky therapist to have accompanied me on my journey.

Thank you

Comment by Betty on 27 Jan 2010 at 9:53 am

hi karen,

when you were in therapy did you ever feel like you were not there. did you feel upset when your alters stole your sessions. i dont feel like i am receiving any help but my therapist says i am doing great. do you understand.

betty

Dear Betty,

Yes, there were many sessions that I felt I wasn’t there, but I was, just not as my own self. My alters did take over many sessions during my healing, but time was shared as it was meant to be.  If my alters never appeared in my sessions I could not have healed. I was fortunate to share my sessions with the other parts of me. Of course, I didn’t always like it. After all, I needed my time with Dr. Baer, too! I would express that to Dr. Baer and he would make sure I had time to talk, too.

Therapy in a multiple’s world must be give and take. The way I thought through those temporary feelings of rejection was to think of the reality of it. If Dr. Baer had given each alter, including me, the same amount of session time, he would have needed to spend over seventeen hours a week with me. A bit far fetched if I do say so myself. Dr. Baer had to treat seventeen different parts of one person: me. An incomprehensible task that required more time than humanly possible. Dr. Baer did his best to always make sure each part of me was heard. I believe he did a great job!

I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion you should share what you have shared with me with your therapist. Tell him how you’re feeling. Ask him to spend a little more time understanding your part in your multiple world. Tell him that you need attention, too!

Wishing you all my best as you continue your journey.

Karen

Comment by Georgia on 27 Jan 2010 at 4:18 pm

Dear Karen,

In class today our professor gave us the assignment of reading Switching Time. He purchased all the books for our class and we paid him. I told him I would write to you to see if you really do respond and answer questions. He gave me your web site. I never in three years of college had a professor feel so optimistic about a case study as yours. I only read the first chapter and decided to write you. I am feeling your pain. I know it’s too early in the book so I won’t give my opinion at this time. But already one question. What made you stay in therapy? If you are attuned as your write in your answers why didn’tyou pick up onyour therapist narcissism? First chapter and I am annoyed by his self centerness. Maybe it will change as I read on.But WOW he describes him self as a handsome guy! That is so wrong. Back to reading.

Georgia

NYU

Dear Georgia,

Thank you for sharing! I love hearing how my story comes to be read. It always interests me to hear how a professor teaches his class by presenting Switching Time to his students. To hear that your professor actually set out to purchase many books on his own tells me he felt the story was challenging and a great teaching tool.

I hope to hear from you when you finish reading the book. I understand the anger stirred in the first chapters regarding Dr. Baer’s thoughts and possible narcissism. But as you read on you will find that in order to move through the book we had to share the truth of how difficult it was in the early years to treat me. I was definitely not an easy patient to treat. I’m not sure why he made a commitment to unconditionally care for me. But I’m glad he did. When I started therapy I was very depressed, ill, and had contemplated suicide. I didn’t really care about anything. I felt empty, hurt, and he was there. Though highly attuned, I ignored Dr. Baer’s initial ways because I needed help and sensed he would be able to help me.  It was at that time my alters chose him to accompany me on my journey.

I believe early on I stayed in therapy because Dr. Baer didn’t frighten me away. He listened, most of my alter’s liked him, and he didn’t appear to judge me. I didn’t share all that was happening to me early in therapy. I needed to build trust first. Dr. Baer was patient and never once pushed me into talking about anything I didn’t want to. He also kept his personal thoughts to himself as all good psychiatrists should. I didn’t pick up on any of his thoughts until I read his words in the book, after our therapeutic relationship ended.

I believe Dr. Baer exuded confidence. I sensed he knew what he was doing and that he felt good about himself. I needed someone like that. There’s nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself. Dr. Baer never intruded his ego in my therapy.

Thank you for sharing, I would like to hear your final thoughts. Please write back and share.

Karen