Comment by Chelsea on 02 Mar 2010 at 2:04 pm

Hi Karen,

Do you still think of suicide? I do. In hearing about Marie Osmonds son jumping from the balcony of his apartment to his death my thought was now he is at peace from the pain he suffered unseen. I am18 like Michael was. I am a teen trying to appear perfect for my parents. I have embarrassed them a few times and promised to behave. But reality is tough. Why bother when there aren’t enough jobs for our parents. Who will hire us? Why should we try hard to fail? I know your older than me but do you ever think of giving up? I am not suicidal but every time I hear another movie star or teen dying I get sad and think about it again. In my 4 years of high school six students I knew committed suicide. Don’t you think somethings wrong with this picture? Your book helped me through some possible reasons why people suicide. I was searching for answers to help a friend who I thought was like you. She was not and said she lied about everything to get a lot of our friends attention before she suicided. As friends we should have told someone, we assumed she was lying when she told us what she was going to do. I read your book too late. I was of no help whatsoever. How sad your life was. If you chose to suicide now what would your reason be?

Chelsea

Seattle

Dear Chelsea,

Many thought filled questions! I hear you and understand your concerns. I’m sorry for your loss. I feel very sad myself for all those who suicide before realizing there is help available. How sad that your friend chose suicide as a way out of her temporary troubles when life can be so much better later on!  Dr. Baer has often said to me suicide only seems like a reasonable thing when you can’t see into your own future. Sometimes that’s hard to do that at eighteen.  How do you know what life will be like when you’re 26?  But there’s so much ahead of you and you can make it good if you want to.

Please don’t blame yourself for your friend’s suicide. I can tell you and your friends really cared about her.  It’s true; it’s hard to believe when someone says they’re suicidal. I know this because I threatened suicide many times. I told Dr. Baer many times I wanted to die and threatened to end my life if things became more than I could handle.  He was always trying to figure out how serious I was about it.

I still think of suicide, but not in the same way as I once did. It’s only normal for someone like me, at times of great stress, confusion, and dark thoughts, to be reminded of how I longed for a way out in the past. After all I’ve been through, reminders of how I used to think resurface time and again. Therapy can’t completely take away such thoughts, but trying to live your best life and keeping stress to a minimum helps.  The difference is to know whether those dark suicidal thoughts are a threat and to deal with them quickly. I’ve discovered that when I feel suicidal, I need to acknowledge those thoughts and put them in their rightful place. I do my best to keep my thoughts positive and moving forward.

I’m glad to hear that Switching Time was helpful in bringing to you an understanding of depression, suicide, and abuse. Please remember, you did the best you could to help your friend.  Neither you nor she was aware of the proper actions to take to seek help.

I hope never again to be tempted to suicide. I pray never to experience such horrific inner pain that would lead me back to those thoughts. If I did, I would seek immediate help. I am an adult now and my thoughts have changed. Now that I am more aware of myself and I can better see my future, I highly doubt I am capable of suicide. There are too many people who care for me. When I felt suicidal in my past, I felt no one cared.

Thank you for sharing and caring.

Karen

Comment by Maria on 01 Mar 2010 at 10:31 am

Dear Karen,

Thank you for being honest in sharing your journey. People like me need to learn from people like you and not from made up doctor medical facts written in books. Doctors learning from books do not make good doctors. Doctors who learn from people like you are more likely to succeed. I think your therapy with Dr. Baer went well because he learned from you and ignored the books that told him this illness does not exist. How intense and overwhelming your story is but well needed and appreciated.

Maria

Dear Maria,

Thank you for your compliments! Dr. Baer and I wanted to share the truth so that all would understand how complex multiple personality disorder is. If we decided to sugarcoat my story there would be no knowledge gained. As difficult as it was to share the truth, I believe Switching Time was meant to be. My wish is to encourage hope for all those who have suffered from abuse.

I’m not sure about the training doctors go through before receiving their medical degrees.  But I do know that Dr. Baer not only learned from books, but from his own experiences in hospitals and clinics treating patients, and from his own psychoanalysis. Medical Doctors who choose psychiatry should go through intense therapy on their own before they are allowed to treat patients. It’s not easy work.

Dr. Baer did not ignore medical books, there simply wasn’t enough good information on MPD for him to treat me in a way he thought would be helpful. It took Dr. Baer’s determination, common sense, book smarts, and my alters’ help to treat me. He did the best he could. I believe my story is one of the first complete documented cases written.  Now there’s a real book for doctors to learn from!

My therapy with Dr. Baer worked well because we made a great team!   We worked very hard for over eighteen years, just so I can experience living as one woman, free of abuse.

Thank you for your questions.

Karen

Comment by Jillian on 01 Mar 2010 at 9:32 am

Hi Karen and Richard!

I love you both! Amazing and inspirational book! I have never known such horror and mostly never knew anyone could survive anything like that. But the book is a teaching tool for us students who had lived perfect lives. I read your book in Abnormal Psychology class. I live in a dream world where me my mom and grandma live like royalty with my father and grandfather pampering our every need. Manicures, pedicures, elegant clothes and travels. How sad you were mistreated so badly. I cannot imagine surviving your illness. I love my dad and gramps. I am fortunate to be loved and never hurt by them. My heart is sad for you but your survival taught me so much about living. I will never complain about anything again. Thank you both! God bless you for sharing. May you find peace and happiness forever more.

Jillian

Memphis, TN

Dear Jillian,

Thank you for sharing! It’s important for me to hear stories such as yours. I’ve never experienced the type of life you’ve lived. To feel that kind of love is foreign to me, but I’m so glad there are families who care for each other like yours. I know how hard it must be to imagine living in chaos and abuse, but by reading my story and allowing yourself to feel my pain vicariously, you can gain the knowledge of what can happen to a child who is tormented by sexual abuse. A door has opened for you and I’m glad to hear you understood the lesson.

Thank you for your compliments and for your blessings. Sending blessings back to you. May you continue to enjoy and live your life with gratitude.

Karen

Comment by Tiara on 25 Feb 2010 at 3:46 pm

Dear Karen

How do you feel about life now after integrating? Do you still sometime think about the horrible things of your past? I’m glad to know that your life is so much better now, you are such a miracle and inspiration to so many!

Dear Tiara,

My life after integration is challenging, but in a good way. I no longer need to worry about alter chaos or not remembering an appointment or friends’ conversations. I attend to everything on my own, never lose time, and can even enjoy a meal and movie without alter interruption. I admit life is not always perfect, trouble sometimes finds me, but it’s all my own. What’s amazing is I can live a life I never thought possible.

Of course there are times I recall painful memories from my past. Whenever I hear of a child being abused, the news of a child molester being caught, and certain terror movies, these can trigger moments of sudden grief.  But I have learned how to manage those moments and dark thoughts. I’m fortunate to know my past belongs in my past and has no room in my present. I do not dwell on my past abuse. When I remember it, the memory disappears as quickly as it arrives.

Thank you so much for believing I’m a miracle and inspiration to others. That means the world to me.

Karen

Comment by Nicky on 25 Feb 2010 at 3:13 pm

Dear Karen,

First of I would like to thank you for letting your story be told and for your answers on your blog. You are an amazing women. I personally like that Switching Time was wrote from Dr. Baers point of view. The reason is that we are raising our granddaughter, who has Dissociative Identity Disorder, so reading your book from Dr. Baers point of view has been very helpful. She is only 5 years old. We have had her for a year and a half. I have a million questions for you, but I will ask just a few. First of all do you or Dr. Baer know how to find a good psychiatrist for her? We live in southern Idaho and have had no luck finding one. She does have a great counselor, but she doesn’t even know of any psychiatrists that she would recommend. I was also wondering about your headaches. Did all of your alts have them too? At what age did they start or do you always remember having them? What did you do that helped them? Our little one gets them a lot and they seem to be getting worse. Please let us know anything else that would help her. I hope it will be okay to ask more questions later.

Thank you so very much,

Nicky

Dear Nicky,

You’re welcome! I appreciate your kind thoughts on my answering questions here on my blog. I agree, Dr. Baer writing Switching Time from his point of view was definitely worthwhile. I believe Switching Time is the best book written by a medical doctor, a psychiatrist, treating a multiple. Both Dr. Baer’s notes and my journals may comprise one of the very first complete documented cases. We have eighteen years of files! I believe Dr. Baer’s point of view provides the best description of my alters, therapy, and story. Dr. Baer built rapport with each of my seventeen alters in a way that I couldn’t have. Therefore, I couldn’t have written from his eyes.

During my therapeutic years I wrote constantly, every day, in journals that, when I finished each one, I turned over to Dr. Baer for safekeeping. My journals proved to be an asset to Dr. Baer in writing his book.

I’m sorry to hear that your granddaughter suffers from DID. But I’m glad to hear the illness was recognized early and that she is in treatment. I believe there were many signs of my losing time when I was five years old, but no one paid much attention to them. Maybe because not much was known back then and no one knew what to do.

I don’t remember not having headaches. I’d suffered headaches my entire life until integration. My headaches came on strong and disabling but not one doctor could find a physical cause for them. I recall having many tests, brain scans, and so on, searching for causes but none were found. I believe my intense headaches came whenever I became overwhelmed with stress and switched between alters. The energy needed to switch can cause head pain that subsides once the switch is complete. I don’t believe all my alters suffered from headaches. There may have been a few, but I don’t remember. I do know for sure that I had frequent headaches.

What helped my headaches? Staying calm and stress free. Too much stimulation, like watching something violent on television, someone talking loud, and noisy crowds would create inner chaos and pain. I’m not sure about your granddaughter, but for me during a headache my hearing was overly sensitive to all sounds. Hearing a siren would cause me great pain. Sometimes a cold rag and a dark quiet room would provide comfort. Each multiple is unique. I ‘m sure your granddaughter knows what can work for her. Allow her to guide you. Creating a sense of calm is best.

Dr. Baer suggests you contact the state psychiatric or medical society to get a referral for a psychiatrist in your area.

Wishing you, your granddaughter, and family all my best. Please know you can write me anytime and ask any questions that trouble you. I am here for you.

Thank you for sharing. I hope I’ve been able to help.

Karen

Comment by Melanie on 24 Feb 2010 at 5:27 pm

Karen,

I am feeling very depressed these days. I had discovered my father had sexually abused six young girls and is in prison. I was told he died, I don’t remember much about him. I was a baby when he was caught but want to know if he could have abused me to. I am sixteen and think he did hurt me. I have been depressed and seeing a therapist for ten months and my dreams are of being abused. My mother told my therapist my father use to beat me. Does a beating and being sexually abused feel the same? I searched for subjects on dissociation and found your book. How I feel is like how you felt. Are nightmares of being abused accurate? Did you ever doubt yourself? I am feeling exhausted writing. GTG

Mel

Dear Melanie,

I’m so sorry to hear what you found out about your father. I believe your Mom may have wanted to protect you so that your childhood would not be affected. I’m not sure telling you your father died was the right thing to do, but I’m not a therapist and can only give you my opinion. For you, seeking and starting therapy is important. It sounds as if you’ve allowed your Mom to be a part of your healing. That’s an important step to take. Whether you father sexually abused you or not doesn’t matter as much as how his abusive behavior has affected your Mom, other children, and you. It’s a good thing he was imprisoned for his crime. My father was imprisoned for child abuse, too.

If you are experiencing nightmares and dreams of being abused, you may have been. My dreams were filled with such horror, and I doubted myself, too. After awhile I knew in my heart my thoughts and dreams were true. I knew because my dreams triggered memories and I asked questions to confirm them. Not only did my mother confirm some things, but my memories became clearer after each alter integrated.

Not all of my dreams were accurate. I’ve had some dreams that I have dismissed because I couldn’t back them up. I believe dreams can contain a variety of mixed feelings and thoughts and don’t necessarily depict reality.

I understand how exhausting dealing with such intimate feelings can be. Please try to understand what you are experiencing is a normal part of your healing process. Always rest when you need to. The energy required to heal can be disabling. It disabled me for years. Please take care of yourself.

Wishing you a safe journey to healing.

Karen

Comment by Merrill, PhD on 23 Feb 2010 at 9:45 am

Hi Karen,

What a trip you are! Congrats on surviving! Just finished reading your story and can’t stop thinking of all of your alters individual personalities. I am amazed Dr. Baer’s professional mindset kept them all straight. Being someone who befriended a mpd person for fifteen years I still get confused. I give you both an applause. In one book you both managed to tell it like it is in a language we the reader can understand. It was powerful, nerve wrecking, disgusting, sincere, loving, compassionate and a journey into the mind of a patient, you Karen, are remarkable. Can’t say enough. Recommending to all my friends and students.

Merrill, PhD

Dear Dr. Merrill,

Thank you! I agree, I’m also amazed Dr. Baer was able to keep each alter straight. But that didn’t come easy for him. It took time, patience, and nerves of steel to maintain his composure while being unnerved by each alter’s unique and distinct characteristics.

Dr. Baer needed to pay close attention to each of my seventeen alters. Building rapport and trust with each was a challenge. Treating me was time consuming, and at times frustrating. If Dr. Baer was confused about me or any one of my alters, I never knew it. Why? Because he was good at shielding his thoughts and emotions from me. That amazes me because I’m a highly attuned person. I read people well but never picked up on Dr. Baer’s ill thoughts, if he had any. It was important for Dr. Baer to stay the same for me.  If he had talked too much, asked too many questions, or if I had felt threatened in any way, I would have run, never to return.

Thank you for your compliments and for recommending our story to others! I will pass your comments on to Dr. Baer. I’m sure he will appreciate hearing your thoughts, just as I have. I am especially touched by you saying that Switching Time was written in a way for all to understand. That means a lot to us. It was important for me and Dr. Baer to share the truth about our journey in the best way possible. For us, bringing knowledge to an incomprehensible illness was our purpose.

Karen

Comment by Shannon on 19 Feb 2010 at 2:04 pm

Dear Karen,

Thank you. I mean really truly thank you. I was so depressed the last four months. My sister bought me your book for Christmas and I was insulted thinking she insinuated I may have MPD or DID. It only added to my depression. Well I was off work for three days from the flu and started reading your book. I read it right though in one day and never imagined you would inspire me. I would be proud to be like you but judged you before reading. Now I want to write you and tell you I respect and admire you. I love that you are answering questions. I went to work today in a better spirit. I put all my anger aside and decided to do my best. I refuse to listen to those who degrade me for my depression. I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. If you can heal from your past I know I can too. Thank you. We who have been abused need to support each other. You were right. The past abuse suffered takes a lifetime to heal from. I was living in fear which allowed my abusers to control me. No more for me.

Shannon

Dear Shannon,

Thank you for sharing your experience reading my story and your own healing process. Feeling depressed and receiving a book about someone who also suffered must have been overwhelming. Inspirational or not, a story like mine is not easy to read when you’re not feeling well yourself. I’m glad you put the book aside and read it when you did. I am touched to hear you went back to work in better spirits after reading Switching Time, and not allowing ignorant degrading comments to depress you. Sadly, some people are better at causing additional grief than making efforts to help.

Thank you for all your compliments! We do need to support each other, always. Those of us who have been abused share a bond that requires faith, strength, hope, and constant encouragement. I’m glad you refused to listen to hurtful words. It may take a lifetime to heal, but you are not alone.

Karen

Comment by Ella Rose on 19 Feb 2010 at 1:48 pm Karen!!!!!!!!
OMG OMG OMG What a miracle you ARE!!!!! I would have killed everyone in sight. I believe God held your hand back from attacking more than many times. What can you say to help people who do attack and kill their abusers? What could you say prevents some from acting on impulse and not you? What can you say is why you kept secrets and feelings close without revealing them to someone? What made you not wish to kill your therapist? I would have killed him after telling him my story. I love your determination to survive but you must have had divine intervention. Angels must surround you. God must love you. Does your therapist know how lucky he is to be alive? Did you ever want to hurt him? The beginning of the book I was pissed at him. By the end he was okay. But really didn’t he piss you off? You are a true survivor. Thanks for allowing your story to be told.

Ella Rose

Charlotte, NC

Dear Ella Rose,

I understand how you feel. I’ll admit I had thoughts of eliminating my abusers from my life, but not by killing them. I would have preferred for them to suffer their remaining days imprisoned, unable to touch or abuse another child or adult ever again. A lifetime imprisoned for their acts isn’t long enough so I assume their afterlife will also be pure hell. I know God forgives and has died for us, but I can’t see those who abuse getting off that easy.

If I had killed my abusers, I would’ve been imprisoned for life after already living in my own inner prison. I’ve already experienced enough pain to last my lifetime, and I don’t need to think about the bars of a prison cell. I’ve learned that having dark thoughts against those who hurt me was okay, as long as I didn’t act on them. Keeping secrets is a coping mechanism. I was taught never to be aggressive. If I were to show signs of aggression or refusal, my abuse would’ve been much worse. I feared death. Being compliant with alter help was my best way to survive

Killing my therapist, Dr. Baer? Now why would I do that? Dr. Baer was the only man I could trust to accompany me on my journey to heal. No matter how horrible I was, he stood by me, unconditionally caring for me, all the way through today. I was lucky to have found him and believe he was God-sent. I hated men, all men, and working with Dr. Baer was a challenge. I wanted to give up time and again, but he never bought into that. I couldn’t end my life like I wanted to because I knew my death would devastate him.  Please know that Dr. Baer is a good man and though there were times I became angry with him, and he with me, I knew my anger was misdirected. Dr. Baer was safe to express my anger to. I am grateful for all that he’s done for me.

My survival took teamwork. My faith in God, angels, Dr. Baer, friends, family, and my alters gave me the will to live without shame and pain. I know God loves me.

Thank you for sharing, expressing your concerns, and for your compliments! I love challenging questions.

Karen

Comment by Peggy on 18 Feb 2010 at 8:34 pm

Karen,

How are you? I am a victim of abuse like you, not a multiple but dissociated my abuse and pretended not to remember it. The problem is I do, and it eats at me everyday. Most family reunions cause me suicidal thoughts. Don’t know if its the same as multiplicity cause I have no alters but I can see myself in your story. You are brave, wish I was like you. Should I talk now. I am seventeen and was abused at twelve.

Dear Peggy,

I’m sorry to hear you were a victim of abuse. I understand trying not to remember the pain you suffered. It’s emotionally draining and causes dark thoughts. Dissociation comes in many forms. In my opinion, dissociating abuse is a victim’s survival mode, temporarily removing herself for protection, whether consciously or not. Unfortunately, you can’t truly hide from the reality of the attack, and your pain will resurface until dealt with in safety. I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but if I were you, I would talk to someone soon.

I know how participating in family events can trigger memories of abuse. Holding your sadness within you as a key-locked secret will only continue to eat at you until one day it festers to the point where you no longer can deal with it.

Please know you are not to blame for what happened to you. At twelve, you were a child and unprepared to deal with your abuser. Now, at seventeen, you have acknowledged that what happened was wrong. It’s never too late to report your abuser. But please talk to a professional therapist first.

I believe you are brave, too. After all, you did share your story with me. That’s an important first step. Please talk to someone now.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen