Comment by SP on 17 Aug 2009 at 9:57 am

Dear Karen,

I know that you live near Chicago.  I know Dr. Baer lives in Chicago.  Was it difficult to work together living so far away from each other?  I read the front and back of the book.  Amazing.  Now I want to know more so I can answer the study questions at the end.  It was a good thing Dr. Baer put in an index.  I already had to refer to it.  Thank him for me.  I will be starting the middle soon.  Kind of wanted to wish you well before I do.  I will write again later.  Bless you.

SP

Dear SP,

No, it wasn’t difficult working together because we didn’t live that far away from each other.  At the beginning, Dr. Baer had an office in the south suburbs of Chicago nearer where I lived.  Later, I traveled approximately twenty miles, from suburb to city, for my sessions.  The only hard part was dealing with city traffic and paying for parking.

Thank you for complimenting my story and wishing me well before you finish reading the book.  I find it interesting that you read the front and back and now will read the middle.  I’m glad Dr. Baer added the index, too!  I believe the index is quite useful for students, doctors, and our readers to quickly look up a part of the book they may wish to ponder or discuss.  I will send your thank you to Dr. Baer.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts when you finish the middle.

Karen

Comment by Ken on 17 Aug 2009 at 9:44 am

Hi Karen,

Great survival technique! Yeah! Can you and Baer patent your therapy success for future doctors to go by?

Ken

Dear Ken,

What a great compliment!  I’m sure Dr. Baer would appreciate hearing that!  It’s important for doctors to know that his treatment of me worked and to recognize the benefits of treating a patient like me long term.  It would be great if doctors around the world recognized his effort and work, and possibly added it to their own work with patients.

Patent a therapy?  I have no idea.  I’ve never thought therapy needs a patent. Maybe some day Switching Time will be used during classes of future psychiatrists and therapists coming into practice. That would be an honor for Dr. Baer and his work with me

Thank you for you optimism!

Karen

Comment by Betty on 17 Aug 2009 at 9:43 am

Karen, what does it feel like without the alters?

Betty

Dear Betty,

I feel alive.  I never lost an alter through integration, my alters are me.  We are one and the same.  As each alter integrated and merged within me, I grew more complete.  I gained their sense of self in addition to me.  Each alter was one part of me, now each alter is blended within me and I am one woman with a variety of interests.

I admit, there were a few moments that I wished an alter would take over when I felt stressed, but now there’s no need.  I’ve become quite used to being without their individuality.  There are days I may feel a bit more like one of the alters than another, like Sandy when I deal with my mother, Katherine when I need to organize, Holdon when I’m driving and can find some place without a map, etc., but the alters are no longer a separate part of me.  I am all of them.

Thank you for your question.

Karen

Comment by Stella on 17 Aug 2009 at 5:39 am

Dear Karen,

Thank you for your response, I found it helpful to know how you worked your way through some of the inevitable challenges in the therapeutic relationship.

I think one of the most difficult aspects of dealing with this type of disorder is the sense of isolation. A therapist is only a part of his patient’s life for a miniscule amount of time each week; the remainder of time is spent in isolation, even if the patient is surrounded by other people. Knowing that most people don’t have the understanding of what is taking place keeps us in our own little world – unfortunately.

There seems to be a misunderstanding in general about the nature and manifestation of dissociation, people are expecting to see a great deal of drama or obvious changes, which in reality are not very apparent unless you know what you are looking for. There is an expectation driven by sensationalism in the public forum that surrounds this disorder, and it makes a person struggling in this area very wary of letting others ‘in’. And the fact that trust is such a major issue only cements this feeling of ‘aloneness’ as we are delving deeper into our understanding of ourselves. Even if you are fortunate to find one other person with whom you can be free to share these things (which I have been truly blessed to have in my life), it still is difficult to articulate something that you don’t even have total comprehension of yourself.

I have to trust (there’s that pivotal word!) that in time the need to be transparent with those who are closest to me will find it’s fulfillment as my own understanding and acceptance of myself increases..

I am thankful to have found your blog; it lends a sense of connection outside of the therapist’s office, which by the amount of activity here, shows that many of us out here who are dealing with similar issues, really really crave.

I look forward to staying in touch through reading your responses and insights. Keep on keeping on!

Stella

Dear Stella,

I’m glad to hear that you found my writings to be helpful in understanding the therapeutic relationship Dr. Baer and I shared.  It’s true that Dr. Baer and I shared only small amounts of time together compared to the rest of my life.  Although for Dr. Baer, it was a great deal of therapeutic time.  I never understood back then that he spent many after session hours trying to figure out how to treat me.  We may have only spent an hour or two talking each week, but Dr. Baer’s work hadn’t stopped there.  Nevertheless, Dr. Baer always seemed to be present in my mind.  I believe I carried him with me at all times.  I never felt that he wasn’t there when realistically he wasn’t.  I guess that meant we had a great therapeutic relationship, one that left me not alone.  Besides, my alters did create a room for Dr. Baer within my mind.  If you would’ve asked any of my alters, they may have told you he lived within us.

I agree, there are many misunderstandings about those who suffer a true case of multiplicity.  I never acted disrespectful, rude, wild, or drastically changed to any around me.  That is such a misleading part of multiplicty.  My alters were subtle and switched as needed whenever I felt ill, threatened, or unable to handle the situation at hand.  Alters are created to help one survive, not make them the center of unwelcomed attention. That’s why shows such as United States of Tara throw off the reality of this illness.  As a multiple, I never would have acted in such an outward way.

I am glad you’ve found my blog.  I hope that we can share some of our experiences to help inform others of the reality of this illness. I believe we all learn from each other.

Thank you for sharing.

Karen

Comment by K3 on 16 Aug 2009 at 8:33 pm

I was born in 1963 to an alcoholic mother and a paranoid schizophrenic father. I was raised with one of my sisters, who was also diagnosed as an alcoholic and addict by the age of 16. As most children who grow up in a dysfunctional family, they believed that their lives were normal. I grew up just thinking we were poor.

I know now that I lived in a very abusive, chaotic, and sick household. I know now that I spent many nights sleeping in hallways, closets or basements just to escape my mothers ranting, screaming and fighting with my father over getting more alcohol. I was always excited to spend time with my mother when she was sober and when she would go downtown to job hunt I wanted to go with her. And then I remember how I would be left on curb after curb as she had to stop a lot to use the restroom. The restrooms though were always in a bar.

By 1973, when I was only 10, my sister 14, I was left home alone with her a lot. My sister had runaway. Records and letters from relatives show that she had been sexually abused by my father since around the age of three and had left in order to seek help in getting me removed before any further damage to could be done. But by the time she could get anyone to intervene, I had runaway too.

My sister and her husband introduced me to drugs. My brother in law would beat on my sister a lot. I would jump in all of 100 pounds wet just to distract him away from her. Over the next several months, I continued drinking, using drugs.

In December of 1981, I had lost my mother to her disease and my foster brother to a drunk driver. They died two weeks apart. Then, I had two of my friends brutally murdered. I was coming unglued. By this time, the drinking and drug use was becoming an everyday thing.

By late 1984, I was so far out of control; I was hospitalized for an attempted suicide and again a few months later for chemical dependence and suicide ideation. It was then for the first time I decided to really try to accept my disease. I got a sponsor and was going to meetings.

By last September, I went back to work. All people were telling me was that if I got back into a normal routine things would be better, but that wasn’t working either. When I got home I would retreat to my room and drink until I fell asleep. The depression only worsened. I was drinking so much I couldn’t keep enough around for the next day. I began hoping that death was going to just be a matter of time.

Dear K3,

Thank you for sharing your story. You certainly have gone through quite a bit of hardship but at the same time you also had to overcome and accomplish a great deal to get back on track.  In your story there is always a next step, some good, some not so good.  Awareness of what once happened means that you have learned a lesson, acknowledged your pain, and can now move forward.  You had so many hard lessons to learn.  I understand how that can sadden you. That’s reality, and unfortunately, for us who have been abused, it’s a very difficult reality to face.

I admire your decision to join the military. That in itself was an amazing thing to do despite all that you had gone through.  It must’ve been initially hard joining the service and going through boot camp.  I’m not sure how well I would’ve done having someone tear me down and build me up while yelling at me.  I believe you are brave.

I am amazed at how much you were able to share of your story.  That’s incredibly therapeutic, whether you think so or not.  Writing down my life story is part of how I healed.  I wrote myself to wellness.  I wrote every single day, pouring my heart, soul, thoughts, and feelings down on paper.  Some pages were even tear stained.  Journaling saved my life.  It is such a relief to vent on paper.

Keep writing, and one day I believe you will feel a sense of calm as I have.

I believe in you. Have faith and your healing will follow.

Karen

Comment by Lanre on 14 Aug 2009 at 4:48 pm

Hello Karen, I am Lanre Olatunbosun your facebook friend from nigeria. I will like to be your friend.

I learn from your profile that you are a writer and i love reading so much. I will like to know what kind of book you have written and also how can i lay my hands on one of your works.

Have a great day…cheers.

Dear Lanre,

It’s very nice to hear from you. I feel honored by your request for a more personal relationship.  For now, sharing on facebook is good.  I assume you must have read my story and that was how you found me.  My story has been written in the book Switching Time, written by Richard Baer.  There is a United States version and one in seven other countries.  I love to write and have written on my own, but haven’t published anything at this time. Hopefully, one day I will!

Thank you for thinking about me!

God Bless you!

Karen

Comment by Samuel, UK on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:00 pm

Karen, Do you know if Oprah Winfrey of the Oprah Show in the Unites States read you book? I don’t think she did. If she did you would be sitting with Richard Baer right beside her. Switching Time is her kind of thing. I mean she thinks the world of helping children of abuse. Why not you? If she did read your book and not call you personally, shame of her. I lost respect for her. Please give my best to Richard Baer. Great work!

Samuel, UK

Dear Samuel,

I’m not sure whether Oprah Winfrey has read my story.  I do hope that she has.  Dr. Baer had sent her two copies of Switching Time.  Maybe her staff felt my story was too intense or graphic?  Whatever the reason we have not been asked to be on her show, Dr. Baer and I simply don’t know.  It would be nice know her reason, at least for closure.  I did receive a call from one of the supervisors of The Oprah Show but she never called me back.  I assumed that The Oprah Show was no longer interested. If you believe my story is Oprah worthy, then please write her and share with her.  If my becoming her guest is meant to be, it will be.

I appreciate your interest in seeing me and Dr. Baer as guests on Oprah. That was very nice of you to think so fondly of us sitting right beside her.  That would be great!  It is our hope that we at least one day get a chance to meet with Oprah and share our journey with her.  Whether to be a quest on her show or not, I would still enjoy meeting Oprah. Unknown to her, she was a very important part of my journey to become one woman.

During my many years of healing, I admired Oprah for bringing so many different shows of challenge to the world. Many of my alter’s would faithfully watch The Oprah Show. I would get the follow-up late at night during the alters’ conferences. My alters had learned so much about faith, compassion and strength from the many guests Oprah had. I’d like to think much of my healing came indirectly from her.  I have so many Oprah memories.  More than once I wrote a “Grateful Journal”, sent her letters through an alter for her Time Capsule, and even donated to her Angel Network.

Yes, I was a multiple Oprah fan!  I felt alive, well, and healed through listening to Oprah and The Oprah Winfrey Show. I thought that some day, God willing, she will see me, just because we share many things in common. I have faith that it can happen some day. I believe there is a reason for everything.

Please do not lose respect for Oprah on my behalf.  Oprah has done so many wonderful things for people all around the world, including abused children. Yes, I am one of those stories that may interest her in time. Maybe not at this time.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concern. I will give Richard Baer your best wishes.

Karen

Comment by Amy on 16 Aug 2009 at 4:15 pm

I think the average person believes cults or satanism happens in “godless” places. Im just floored by it. How do people like that find each other? And the women…? How does this happen? Other than your father, were there any other arrests or convictions? The book mentions that most of your abuse happened up until age 13…what happened then? This next question is kinda odd but how do you think you managed to never become pregnant during the yrs of abuse? How do you think Drs missed all the obvious evidence of abuse? what have you told your children? Other family? Im so sorry to ask and demand so much….have you thought abt a follow up book? i want to ask more but this is plenty for now. Thank you so much. amy

Dear Amy,

I agree, most people do believe that cults and Satanism happen in godless places, but that could be far from the truth.  As in my case, my abusers were all attending church on a regular basis, my father himself would go to confession every Saturday, go to church faithfully every Sunday at noon, yet he wasn’t acting in a Christian way at all.

As children, my brothers and I were abused six days a week, leaving out most Sundays because Sunday was Church day.  How did these “cult” people find each other?  That’s a good question.  I believe my father gathered his friends by having parties that started with showing films of pornography with this huge old gray projector.  I remember his parties and his setting up his films.  Eventually child pornography films were mixed with the adults.  My father also filmed some himself.

Yes, there were other arrests.  I’m not sure of any convictions.  I was too young to recall.  I do remember when one of my abusers was imprisoned for a length of time.  I’m just not sure on what offense.  I believe my abuse lessened around the age thirteen because I graduated from the small, intimate catholic grade school and switched over to a public high school where I discovered not all girls were treated as I was.  My father and grandfather had less control over me, especially when I joined many clubs to stay away from home as long as possible.  I discovered during my freshman year health class, at the age of fourteen, that I was a victim of sexual abuse.  I didn’t know it had a name before that. It was at that time I knew something was wrong and threatened my grandfather and father. The sexual abuse by them may have stopped, but abuse continued in other forms.

I have no idea why I never became pregnant.  That’s a mystery to me, too!  I was more than surprised and happy to become pregnant for the first time at the age of twenty-three, four years into my marriage.  Before that I feared I was unable to conceive and have a child of my own, but God willing, I did, and now have two wonderful children.

My childhood pediatrician did not miss the signs I was being abused; she ignored them after confronting my mother, who claimed I hurt myself.  I have shared my story with my children. My daughter has read my story, my son has not.  After my son served in the war, I didn’t wish for him to grieve on my behalf.  One day he will read it when he’s ready.  My son knows most of the story from the interviews he’s read and is aware of the context.  My children have been supportive as well as the family members and friends I chose to share with.  And yes, I’m working on a follow-up book.

Thank you again for your questions and thoughts. I believe we each can learn from each other.

Karen

Comment by Amy on 16 Aug 2009 at 4:14 pm

i hope that its ok that i write you here….i dont spend to much time on a computer and use my phone instead. Your blog wont load properly on my cell. If you feel that what i ask is germaine enough to be on your blog please feel free to copy and paste it. My first question is how can you live “safely” as karen overhill when it is a name given to protect your identity? Isnt that like creating a new alter? Ive been concerned abt this since i realized thats not your real name. Why didnt Dr Baer address this in his Afterword? Since your story has come out publicly have other abuse survivors from your neighborhood/church spoken to you abt their own experiences? Did “Bert” actually committ suicide in your presence or was that an alters take on how it would have happened? I had a hard time figuring that part out. Now that youve processed these events…how do you think this “cult” came to be? I was amazed at the positions some of these people were in…the priest..the cop. And also a part of a christian religion!!

Dear Amy,

Thank you for writing.  You can ask me questions here on the blog, or if you send questions to Facebook, then I can retrieve them and answer them here.

You’ve asked many interesting questions and I will try my best to answer them.  First, although I chose another name for privacy reasons, I am still the same person.  My reason for secrecy was not to to draw attention to me personally, but to be known as a woman who had gone through a horrific journey, one woman who survived and wished to live without attention.  I have shared myself with many friends and family members, and that’s good enough for me.  I’ve never been one to seek attention.

It’s funny that you mention your concern over my creating another alter.  I get that question a lot from my friends.  No, Karen is not another alter; she and I are the same person.  When I make appearances, answer questions, or need to be Karen for an interview, I am still me.  I just use a different name for privacy.  There really is no difference.  I admit, sometimes I need to be cautious about who I am talking to and sharing my story with. That can be funny at times, but also a bit frightening when someone exposes my true identity by mistake.  I am not ashamed of who I am, my being anonymous is more to protect others.  I believe Dr. Baer did address my name change. I know it’s in the book.

Recently I decided to start sharing with friends from my old neighborhood.  At first, I feared sharing.  I didn’t know their experiences and didn’t wish to create more chaos or drama, because despite my being abused, it’s a neighborhood full of wonderful people.  I connected with some of them through Facebook, through classmates, or through the phone book.  I re-connected with six past friends, not all had been abused as I was, but a few sure knew what was going on. To my surprise, each past friend was supportive and added addtional information that helped me understand how others reacted to what was going on. It was amazing to finally receive that type of closure and lay some of my fears to rest.

Yes, I did witness “Bert’s” suicide, but not as myself, through an alter.  I had switched and didn’t recall most details until after integration.  My father quickly ran from the room and fled. I’m not sure what happened afterward regarding the details of who called the police, if anyone else was there or knew, or anything else other than his apology.  I didn’t know the address or location where it happened being that I was too young to pay attention to those details. I confirmed these memories years later from my mother.

The “cult” was not actually a cult as in most stories.  My father and his friends just got together, most likely after watching or reading something about cults, and decided to try that type of abuse on me. This so called cult likely lasted only a few months before they turned their attention to another type of abuse.  These men were sick and perverted.  It was a sick men’s group of make believe that used children to satisfy their sick, perverted curiosity.

Thank you for your thought provoking questions.  I will try to answer your next set, part 2, in the same way.  I appreciate your interest.  It’s interesting for me to answer these puzzling questions in hope that you better understand why multiplicty was a God sent coping mechanism that helped me survive.

Karen

Comment by Nurse K on 13 Aug 2009 at 12:53 pm

Regarding Carlton’s Post:

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You have more wisdom than most of the doctors I work with. I am a nurse, work on a psych unit for eight years now, and the pysch staff are the most annoying people in the world. I had not understood their standoffish behavior and felt their high and mighty attitudes were hurtful to their patients. I now have something to mull over.

My thoughts were: When each doctor leaves their patient, we nurses and interns are stuck dealing with the stress their doctors caused. I know that these doctors stir up feelings and that is normal and the reason for the patients’ hospitalization. Yet, arrogance, nonsense and un-necessary stress from lack of doctor empathy is killing me. Doctors who have no empathy nor bed side manner should quit and seek another profession.

My thoughts now: Maybe the doctors are just trying to do their best and need to separate their thoughts to maintain their own sanity. Either way, why do people choose a profession that has a no win outcome? I’ve been a nurse for sixteen years. I recently enrolled in a few classes seeing that my anger towards doctors has been increasing. Do you have a clue how many nurses feel like me and feel annoyed with doctors. We constantly share with each other. Reading your response to Carlton, it was definitely an educational wake up call for me.

Once again, you never cease to amaze me with your unbiased wisdom.

Nurse K

Delaware

Dear Nurse K,

Thank you for all your kind thoughts.  I truly appreciate you sharing your frustrations with most of the doctors you work with on the Psych Unit.

I’m not sure what to say or how to respond to all that you have shared.  I believe there are many reasons for psychiatrists, therapists, and social workers to appear indifferent, unfriendly and hurtful.  I thought about the doctors I’ve come to know and agree that some appeared standoffish, slightly rude and arrogant.  I believe they have their reasons; were they trained that way?

There is another way to look at a doctor’s attitude.  There was a time, early in my therapy, that I thought the same of Dr. Baer.  I thought of him as arrogant, selfish, and annoying, too.  That was until I realized I was picking up my feelings about me from him.  I felt that he deflected all that I said as if he were a mirror that I looked into and saw myself. As therapy progressed, I came to understand that I wasn’t really frustrated with Dr. Baer, I was frustrated with myself and believed my frustration was the frustration I saw in myself through each of my alters.

I am not a doctor so I can’t say for sure, but I believe that doctors who work in the mental health field have been trained to be standoffish. If these doctors showed their feelings, became emotional, or couldn’t handle the intensity that most patients dump on them, they would be useless.  Doctors who can’t deflect and separate can become depressed themselves if they allow themselves to feel emotion. Therefore, their sucky attitude is meant to be just that.  That doesn’t means that the therapist does not have empathy, sympathy, or does not care. They do. They just can’t always afford to show it.  Psychiatrists and therapists need to do their job.  It’s never about how they feel.  Their job is to help you deal with how you feel.

I’m glad you decided to take a class to help you understand the anger building within you.  Maybe all nurses who work on pysch units need to take the same class or have a doctor explain what is ethical in treating mentally ill, depressed, or abused patients.

Wishing you less anger and a better understanding for the doctors you work with.

Karen