Comment by Genalee on 30 Nov 2009 at 12:20 am

Dear Karen,

I was watching The Joy Behar Show and she was talking about an Ex-Wives Club. having just finished reading your book my thoughts drifted to you and your ex-husband. What were the ending conditions of your divorce? Did you divorce him or did he divorce you? Was your divorce because of your multiple personality disorder or other reasons? Did he cheat on you? When did you stop talking to him? Did you have contact with him in therapy being that your were a mpd patient? Did he love and care for you? What was the breaking point for you? Did you divorce before or after the book? Did he read the book?

Thank you.

Genalee, LA

Dear Genalee,

The episode on “The Joy Behar Show” was interesting. I was able to Google the show and watch the segment on the Ex-Wives Club. I am not a celebrity and far from fitting into the high profile divorces shown. For me, I divorced my husband after years of being mistreated. I stayed in my marriage much longer than I should have because I was afraid of making it on my own while battling a few illnesses. I felt unloved, uncared for, judged, and ignored while trying to heal. I needed support and didn’t receive any. My marriage started out wonderful. It first became problematic after the birth of my daughter. My husband couldn’t handle my illness, not only my multiplicity, but the depression and surgeries that came along with it.

My husband never cheated on me. Actually, he had his own issues and alcohol was his chosen addiction. I would’ve been happier divorcing him over infidelity than divorcing him for being cruel, heart less, and not sympathetic to my illnesses. When two people marry and become one, for better or for worse, they should each take responsibility for their own indiscretions. I always believed in the marriage vows we took. Unfortunately, once battered, mistreated, and un-loved–what kind of marriage is that? So we grew apart. I chose freedom. My ex-husband chose alcohol.

My husband never participated in my therapy. I was glad he didn’t. During my therapy, Dr. Baer helped me to survive the challenges of living with an alcoholic and raising our children to the best of my ability. Our children are doing fine. My ex-husband is now ill from his alcoholism.

I truly believe my ex-husband loved me at one time. We were married for over twenty-one years when we divorced. I don’t hate him. I wish him well and believe he feels the same. I needed to divorce him. And yes, my ex-husband did read the book, and afterwards he called me in tears and apologized. That was a very important turning point for both of us. Accepting the truth of my illness, his behavior that added to my distress, and the fact that we grew out of love with each other, led to our divorce. Switching Time was published six years after my divorce.

Thank you for your questions.

Karen

Comment by Laura on 29 Nov 2009 at 1:08 pm

Dear Karen and Richard,

I am feeling blue this morning. I am a multiple like you were Karen but not integrated yet. I admire your work together. Believe it or not I am doing better now than last year because I am inspired that healing can occur for people like us. Thank you for giving me that gift. Knowing good people exist in all of us helps me live. Days that hurt like today I remember you. Just thought you’d like to know. Love you Karen and Richard. Thank you.

Laura, Ohio

Dear Laura,

I’m sorry you are feeling blue. I have those moments, too. I’m glad to hear that you are feeling better this year despite this morning’s blue thoughts. Distraction sometimes helps me avoid blue feelings, but acknowledging my past helped me heal by releasing my fear and dark thoughts. Therapy will help you and healing will come. I have faith in you.

Thank you for remembering Dr. Baer and me on this day. We truly appreciate your kind thoughts and compliments.

Wishing you success on your journey to healing.

Karen

Comment by Fleur on 27 Nov 2009 at 11:30 am

Dear Karen, Happy Black Friday, hehe. I forgot to write yesterday to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, sorry to be late. I needed to tell you what you and Richard Baer did for sexually abused women like me is something I am thankful for. I have a hard life but Karen, yours was harder. I needed to read a story like yours to settle my grievances in my own life and move forward. It’s important to know there are inspiring people out there if you know where to look? I will be sharing my pride and self assurance by telling people about your and Richard’s book. Happy Day to the both of you! Cheers! Love you guys!

Fleur

Dear Fleur,

Thank you so much for your endearing message of hope. Dr. Baer and I truly appreciate hearing that through my story you have come to a better understanding of the sexual abuse you have suffered. That’s very important to me and the reason I shared my journey. Please remember that abuse is abuse, and though we each have suffered differently, it is still generates the same feelings within each of us.

Thank you for believing Dr. Baer and I are an inspiration to those who suffer. And thank you for sharing Switching Time with those you know.

Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving, too!

Have a great day!

Karen

Comment by Rachel on 27 Nov 2009 at 10:27 am

Dear Karen,

I am an integrated mpd person like you., My integration was completed three years ago. I usually feel depressed around the holidays and this year is no exception. How are the holidays for you? I know from experience there are many holiday triggers causing me to feel bad. Do you have holiday triggers? If you have a hard time, does Dr. Baer understand your pain during this time of year? My doctor doesn’t. Since my integration was complete my doctor assumed all should be perfect in my life. Is your life perfect now that you are fully integrated?

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Congratulations on completing integration! After my alters integrated and merged within me there were many years of therapy needed for me to understand and deal with the reality of being one. Without alters, I no longer had the ability to switch to an alter for help. I needed to learn how to be one person. I admit those years were difficult, too. There is much more to healing than just integration. My therapy for me, as one woman, started the day integration was complete. I needed therapy for myself for more than a few years following integration.

Yes, I do suffer a few holiday triggers myself. The difference since integration is that I can better recognize these triggers. I try my best to change each dark thought into a positive one. Holidays can be rough for anyone. It’s a tense time of year, but I try not to allow myself to dwell on the past. I admit I do feel depressed at times and don’t always know the exact reason why. I do know there are certain fragrances, holiday songs, and decorations that trigger and leave me feeling sad even though I try to avoid them. What helps me is to keep in touch with my optimistic friends. I feed off of their good energy and bounce back quickly. If I surround myself with negativity, I will fall into a depressed mess. I encourage you to seek happiness within yourself. After all you are one whole woman with so much to look forward to and learn.

I’m not sure why your therapist would think you should be healed and not in need of further help as one woman. That’s a bit sad for me to hear. I’ve been fortunate that Dr. Baer understood that integration didn’t necessarily mean the end of therapy. I admit I feared it was the end of therapy but it was Dr. Baer who knew exactly what I might be facing. Instead of one fragmented woman with seventeen abused alters, after integration I became one abused woman needing to deal with all that had happened to me. I do the best I can to deal with issues on my own, but there have been times when I become stuck, sad, and depressed and need a boost of help with reality. At those times I will call Dr. Baer.

No, Rachel, my life is not perfect. I continue to struggle at times but know all that my dark moments come from some type of misunderstanding that once resolved and understood will lessen my anxiety. By the way, does anyone actually have a perfect life? I don’t think so. There is no such thing.  We are all human and make mistakes.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I believe you understand what you need and know that a call to your therapist, or seeking another therapist, is the best you can do to get through the holidays.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen

Comment by Melissa on 24 Nov 2009 at 8:01 pm

Hi Karen,

Thankful for you! Happy Thanksgiving! Don’t forget how much you mean to so many people.

You are the best!

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Thank you, Melissa! Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!

Karen

Comment by Amy on 24 Nov 2009 at 5:42 pm

Miss Karen!!

Nikkee and I were talking about you the other day and we just love you! we both truly feel that you are an angel on earth. Thank you again so much for sharing your story and continuing to be so open and loving and positive. your strength is astounding and we all benefit from it.

much love,

a

Dear Amy,

You’re so very welcome! You have brought happy tears to my eyes! Thank you. You both are so thoughtful and kind! I’m grateful that you are a part of my life and look forward to our continued friendship

Love always,

Karen

Comment by Mady on 24 Nov 2009 at 2:41 pm

Dear Karen,

Thank you for sharing your story. I woke up this morning thinking about you. My name is Madelyn and I am seventeen. I read your story after finding the book in my house. My Mom read it. When I seen her crying while reading I was curious too so I read it. I admire you. No questions. Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Lots’ of love for what you do, thankful for you.

Mady

Dear Mady,

Thank you! Hope you had a Happy Thanksgiving, too!  How thoughtful you are to think of me on Thanksgiving Day! I am touched that you wrote in to share. I also admire you for picking up the book that made your mother cry and read it. I believe you wished to understand your mom’s feelings. That’s a very mature and caring act.

Thank you for being thankful for what I do. That means a lot to me. It continues to be my and Dr. Baer’s hope to help bring knowledge of multiplicity and child sexual abuse to victims and their families.

Thank you for caring.

Karen

Comment by Mr Adrian on 24 Nov 2009 at 2:32 pm

WOW Karen!

Your messages sent in your answers are powerful, insightful, encouraging, cautious and well spoken. I am feeling myself less angry after reading how you describe what your thoughts are on abusers. You are the great diffuser! This Thanksgiving I will be one less angry man because I know what stirs inside of me and will take the direction of help in therapy. The heaviness of my cold heart has softened. I misdirected my anger for many years not knowing why? I am, was, a verbally abusive angry man. I’m trying to be nicer these days. In the last month after reading ST I started journaling like you suggested. Tons of crap came out. OMG Thank you, Karen! God Bless you! God Bless Dr. Baer! OH! The book was very educational. I am not a mpd patient but have been abused and it helped me too!

Mr. Adrian

Cocoa Beach, FL

Dear Mr. Adrian,

Thank you for your honesty in sharing your once misdirected anger towards others. That means a lot to me. I am glad to hear that you came to a new realization that helped diffuse your anger. I’m glad you chose to make an effort and control your anger during the holidays especially. I’m sure you felt better about yourself.

Journaling helped me vent on paper. My anger, frustration, and inner turmoil poured out through my writings. I believe everyone should journal. It’s a release that can help one understand oneself better.

Thank you for all your wonderful compliments! It’s very rewarding to hear that something in my story helped you see what you had not seen before. One of my favorite quotes is: “Vision is the art of seeing things invisible” — Jonathan Swift. That’s what you have accomplished within yourself.

Wishing you all my best as you continue to be your best.

Karen

Comment by Jennifer on 24 Nov 2009 at 11:45 am

Karen,

At this time of year I feel very depressed. When people are enjoying holiday cheer I want to end my life. Do you ever feel depressed now that you have healed? How do you deal with holiday drama? It’s not even Thanksgiving and all I can think of is the sadness of my past. I was abused during these holidays. I was raped between thanksgiving and christmas. Under the christmas tree he raped me at thirteen while waiting for company to arrive. My father. Christmas decorations remind me of that day. I am single and 20 years old. How do I face my family feeling depressed? My father and mother divorced six years ago and he won’t be around for the holidays. The reason for their divorce was me. When I was fourteen I told a counselor at school who notified my mother. My father was arrested. They divorced the day after Thanksgiving that year. I blame myself. God its hard to live knowing if I didn’t tell a counselor none of the family would hate me. My Mom tells me not to feel the blame. But the extended family give me the evil eye and I feel disgusting. I’m sorry for rambling on. I read your story and wish I had your strength and courage. When you were my age did you feel disgusting?

Thank you.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,

I hear your pain. I understand how the memories of past abuse come forth during the holidays. There are many sad reminders that trigger me into that same depressed mode. But what I do is try to replace each dark thought with a lighter, more uplifting thought.

Please don’t blame yourself for your parents divorce. In my opinion, your mother did what I only wished my mother would’ve done. She believed you and took the appropriate action by removing the abuser from both of your lives. I’m sure there were signs of their marriage ending before you revealed that your father raped you. I’m sure your mother did what was best for your family, whether the relatives believe so or not. What matters most is that your abuser is now where he belongs, imprisoned. And you and your mother are in the process of rebuilding your lives.

I am proud of you for reaching out and sharing what happened to you with your school counselor. Not every young woman at fourteen would’ve had the courage to do the same. I didn’t. I was so afraid of being judged and blamed, I kept silent. And that silence caused me distress, low self-esteem, and thoughts of ending my life. In my case, my father threatened me so badly that I feared not only for my life, but for my mother’s and my sibling’s lives as well. I didn’t tell anyone until I was in my mid to late twenties and spent way too many years suffering in silence. This may be a difficult time for you, but please know that you did the right thing by reporting your father.

Jennifer, when I was your age, I felt disgusting, too. It’s a horrible feeling to carry the rape and abuse within you. I experienced a creepy, un-clean, and nauseating feeling with me for years before I sought help. Therapy can help lessen that burden. It is my hope that you and your mom both seek a qualified therapist to help you through those dark thoughts and feelings that pop up especially during this time of year, the holidays.

Please try to create new fond memories that represent happiness during this blessed holiday. If certain reminders of your father linger, talk them over with your therapist. Dr. Baer and I talked over my triggers one at a time and once brought out into the open, the threat wasn’t so powerful and subsided. Maybe that will hold true for you, too!

Wishing you all my best as you continue your journey to healing.

Karen

Comment by Dagmar on 24 Nov 2009 at 9:53 am

Dear Karen,

I’ve read ‘Life in Pieces’ and I need to ask you about your mother. I do not know if I have right even to ask you about her, perhaps that would be too much for you and I wouldn’t want you to feel low because of my question (could have triggered some unwanted memories). Anyhow if I don’t ask there will be no chance to know the answer.

I was wondering what have you decided regarding relations with your mother? After your father’s death, as in the book, you were in touch with your mother. Are you still in touch with her? Or if she died, were you still in touch with her until she died and what kind of relation did you have/do you have with her after completing therapy?

I am sorry if I raised an unpleasant topic in here, perhaps my questions are far too personal, but if you feel you could respond to it I would be really happy.

Wishing you all the best,

Dagmar

Dear Dagmar,

Thank you for your interest in my relationship with my mother. I don’t mind answering your questions. I appreciate your concern and the care you took in asking your question.

My mother is alive, well, and in her seventies. I do see her often, but have never formed a close relationship with her due to my past abuse. I have forgiven her, though there are moments when my hurt rises. My mother is incapable of accepting the truth of my past, but she has been told and admitted so much more than is written in the book. My mother was a victim of my father and grandfather, too. I know that she must’ve suffered greatly during those same years. But that doesn’t mean her ignoring my being abused was not a selfish act. In my opinion, she emotionally abused me by not rescuing me from my abusers. I believe abuse is abuse. My mother constantly talks about her past abuse experiences and what happened to her, but rarely, if ever, acknowledges my being abused, too. Our conversations are all about her suffering, not mine. That’s the way she is.

I care for my mother; she’s a different woman now than the once abused woman that didn’t properly raise me. That doesn’t mean she’s capable of loving me—after all she allowed me to be abused by shutting her eyes.  My mother turned her back on me, ignored the signs of my being sexually abused, and deflected truth to suit her own needs. For this reason I share my story in hope that all adults recognize the signs of child sexual abuse.

I don’t believe banning her from my life is the right choice to make. What I do is lessen my visits to a tolerable level. If I sense myself becoming agitated, I excuse myself and leave.  Since my father’s death my mother has changed for the better. Our abusers are gone. And though my mother may never read my story, she could never deny one word. This I know for sure.

Thank you for your questions,

Karen