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Archive for the 'Karen’s Answers' Category
Richard Baer on Jun 25th 2009
Comment by Luiza on 21 Jun 2009 at 3:21 pm
Hi Karen,
I read your book last year and it really upset me. I was also raised in a home that was at times abusive. It wasn’t that bad I guees because if things got bad I would just sort of space out. I wasn’t really there. I’ve asked my psychology teacher about it and he says he doesn’t know what that could be. I still do and I’m scared there’s a problem. I know it would probably be helpful to go see a mental health professional but I can’t because they (my family) will want to get involved. They don’t want me to tell. I am 18 and still live at home. I feel like a child who can’t take care of herself. Sometimes I feel like a parasite. It’s just all too much. The depression and everything else. Nobody knows except for one friend. He is also a broken person. My question is, do you think it would be easier to just end it all or do you think I should go and try to see someone.. If at all possible and only if you want to, could you please send me an email at I don’t really have anyone I can tell.
Dear Luiza,
Thank you for sharing with me. I can understand how reading Switching Time disturbed you. It is a story that touches every nerve of anyone who has suffered from being abused. I’m sorry that you grew up in a home that was sometimes abusive. Please don’t take that lightly. Abuse is abuse. And it upset and affected you to the point that you spaced out. I am not a therapist, but in my opinion you sound like you still carry the pain of that abuse with you. If you feel frightened that you might hurt yourself, then yes, please seek help soon.
I’m glad to hear that you tried to share your concerns with your psychology teacher. Remember, your teacher is your teacher, not your therapist, and may not be prepared to help anyone who may or may not suffer from a dissociative disorder. I believe your teacher may have wanted to help but lacked the expertise to do so.
I’m sure a therapist can help you. It’s hard work, that I know. Finding the right therapist to accompany you on your journey is not only possible, but an important first step. Most importantly, a therapist must keep confidentiality. It’s the therapist’s job not to share any information about you, with anyone, without a signed release from you. That includes your parents! Make these concerns known to your therapist.
Once you become ready to share, you will, and in your own time. Please be cautious with who you decide to share with. Choose those who will support you, not harm you.
I understand what your are going through. I hear your pain through your written words, and I’m glad you chose to reach out and share with me.
Please know that I care. Looking forward to hearing from you.
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 18th 2009
Comment by Samantha, from Illinois on 17 Jun 2009 at 2:35 pm
Karen,
With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, how do you deal with it. In your writings you sometimes refer to Dr. Baer as a father figure of sorts even though you are near the same age. How do you feel about him now that your alters are gone and your birth father dead? I was thinking that this would be a difficult time for you. My prayers are with you. I admire your courage to share as well as Dr. Baer’s courage to take care of you. My prayers include your continued growth and success as life moves forward. None of my business but do you send Dr. Baer your fathers day cards? I would. Love the both of you. The book, the most inspirational journey I have read this year.
Samantha Jane
Dear Samantha Jane,
Thank you for your question. I will try to answer you in the best way I can. Father’s Day is not a difficult day for me anymore. For me, I never recognized my birth father as my father. My birth father was never my Dad. As a matter of fact, I’ve never grieved the loss of my birth father. His death brought me relief. A dad never hurts his own child. A real father loves his child. Therefore, I had no father.
As a young child, to feel loved, I created my own version of what a real loving father should be. My mind created my alter, Holdon, to act as an inner father figure so that I could grow. My images of a father came from viewing actors who played fathers on television shows, such as Lassie, Father Know’s Best, Leave it to Beaver, Andy Griffith, and any others with a positive father figure I could take in and identify with.
During my therapeutic years, my alter Holdon gradually let go of the very important role he was created for, our system’s father figure. During that time, Dr. Baer became our system’s surrogate father. Holdon didn’t want to give up his position as head of our inner household, but it was necessary in order for me to heal. My alters grew to accept Dr. Baer, put their trust into him, and yes, see him as a father figure. Dr. Baer eventually worked together with Holdon to actually re-parent me. I don’t believe Dr. Baer had any idea that’s what happened, but it did. Dr. Baer became the most important male parental figure and role model to one hell of a broken me.
I believe I have sent Dr. Baer a Father’s Day card every year that I’ve known him. I already sent him a card yesterday. I will always continue to feel a very special bond to him, even though realistically I know he is not my father. I will always feel like Dr. Baer is a part of my family. After all, my alters, all seventeen of them, adopted him into our world. How else could I describe the unconditional love that it took to help me heal and survive all that I have?
Thank you very much for your prayers and compliments!
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 18th 2009
Comment by an abuser and not proud of it on 15 Jun 2009 at 3:44 pm
Karen,
I have abused children in the past. Long time ago, thirty years. don’t do it anymore but live with guilt. The girls, 3 of them, are grown now, probly over 35 years old. I was in prison two weeks ago for a different crime, stole a car, and your book was in the pile. It sounded intyeresting so I read it. The questions at the back made me feel worst. I was 16, black male and preguiced and hurt white girls. I never’d expect them to remember being abused so young. Kids suppose to forget everything. I don’t remember my kid hood. How could you remember? The girls I abused were between 5 and 8. I had no guilt till I read the book. I don’t know what to do with the guilt now that it’s too late. I pray a lot for those girls I hurt. It would be great if people read your book, vicums and abusers to see what happens. I never abused after those girls. I was angry.
Abuser and not proud of it.
Dear Abuser,
I appreciate your sharing your story with us here on the Switching Time blog. In my opinion, it’s important for all to know what it’s like for an abuser to finally acknowledge their wrong doing. Abuse is abuse. There are no time stamps that erase the past. I hope and pray they have healed and have come to accept that they were not to blame.
I’m gratified that you felt guilty after reading Switching Time; that means our story touched a part of you that’s human and real. Interesting you found our book in the prison library. I wonder what drew your attention to the book in the first place? Was it because it hit a nerve about abusing those girls all those years ago? The fact that you were in prison for another crime suggests there is something much deeper that troubles you.
I am not a therapist and can’t give advice, but in my opinion, children usually remember the feelings attached to their experience of being abused. I remember everything that had happened to me. It affected my entire being. I never felt good about myself and suffered from low self-esteem. That’s a common reaction.
I am glad the questions at the back of the book made you reflect. It is my hope that both victims and abusers read Switching Time to educate themselves on what can happen to an abused child.
May God have mercy on your soul.
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 18th 2009
Comment by Kendallynn on 13 Jun 2009 at 3:41 pm
Hi Karen,
How are you? I’ve been reading your answers and like for you to know how much you are helping me understand mental illness. I don’t have multiple personality disorder but I do had dissociative identity disorder. I agree with you that there is a difference. Both illnesses are not the same. I hate when someone calls me a multiple because I don’t have alternate personalities but I do dissociate all the time. Big difference. I wanted you to know that your book and answers are what the medical people should be reading. It’s good for us patients but doctors and therapists should read what you write. Doctor Baer and you made a remarkable discovery about the illness multiple personality disorder. Thank you both for writing the book.
Blessing to both of you,
Kendallynn
Dear Kendallynn,
Thank you for sharing! I am glad to hear your thoughts and opinions regarding multiplicity. For me, there is a difference between MPD and DID. The term DID, dissociative identity disorder, always seemed too vague to describe my experiences. However, the term multiple personality fit my system of having seventeen different alternate personalities. In my opinion, based on my own personal journey, I believe when one refers to multiplicity, that means dissociation with alters and losing time.
It is Dr. Baer’s and my hope to bring awareness to all people, professional and lay people alike. We hope more universities use Switching Time as a teaching tool in their college psychology courses.
Thank you for your compliments, especially for encouraging therapists, as well as patients, to read our story.
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 18th 2009
Comment by Gillian on 14 Jun 2009 at 11:52 am
Don’t stop believing in yourself. I almost did. Instead at my worst moment I picked up your book and decided it would be just what I needed to finally suicide. I couldn’t put your book aside until I read it all. I changed my mind tonight thanks for saving my life even when you don’t know me. I figured it this way if you can live after all you went through I should be able to live with the nothings that I want to suicide over. My grief comes from hurting so badly afer my husband told me he never loved me. My husband is gay and just wanted me for his wife as a cover so that no one would suspect anything other than a normal couple. I was at the point of believing I was unloveable when I read ST. Thank you again for allowing people like me into your life to see things can’t be that bad..
Thank you. I will find a therapist to talk to on Monday.
Gillian, South Dakota
Dear Gillian,
Thank you for your encouraging words. I’m glad that Switching Time helped with your decision to continue on and not suicide. I am glad that there was something in my story that brought you out of your despair. Please don’t let your dark thoughts go without proper care. It’s important to talk through what you have experienced with a trained therapist.
There are still days when I struggle to get through. What’s important for me is to take a few deep breaths and allow myself space until those dark thoughts pass. What appeared to be so troubling and devastating usually winds up being a temporary setback. Once I realize this I’m usually ready to face the day.
I empathize with your pain from being told that you are not loved. I’m sorry that your husband hurt you in that way. I would’ve felt devastated, too. Please remember that your husband betraying your trust had nothing to do with you being unloveable. Not your fault. It was his choice. I’m not a therapist, but In my opinion your husband took advantage of you to cover up his homosexuality until he decided to come out. What a selfish act on his part.
I’m so glad to hear that you chose to seek help and find a therapist. I wish you all my best for a safe journey to rediscovering your beautiful self.
Take care.
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 18th 2009
Comment by Nikki Rallonza from the Philippines on 13 Jun 2009 at 10:28 pm
hi karen…i haven’t read your book but i know that its a really terrifying experience for you not knowing what happen to you when you loose track of time…I’ve been reading books about people who are multiple personality and admire all of you because you were all able to fight and look for help so that you can change you life and be a whole person again.
good luck to you and wish you the best….
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Dear Nikki,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts before reading Switching Time. I believe this is a first for me, to answer someone before they’ve read the book. Thank you empathizing with my story. Yes, living with multiplicity was a terrifying experience, as was losing time, but I did have the help of my alters.
Survival takes strength. Without alter help and the guidance of my therapist, Dr. Baer, I wouldn’t have survived. I was fortunate to have found Dr. Baer to accompany me on my journey to becoming one. It’s my hope for all who seek help to find the right therapist to accompany them on their own journey.
Thank you for your compliments; each one is greatly appreciated.
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 18th 2009
Comment by Rhiannon on 13 Jun 2009 at 2:06 am
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! What a horrific way to live your childhood and early adulthood! But you are an incredible woman, and you’ve gained so much from your experiences.
Kudos to Dr. Baer for never giving up on you!! What an amazing person he must be.
I read your story out of curiosity, as I’ve always been fascinated by dissociative identity disorder. I would recommend this book to anyone who is even remotely interested in this topic.
Thank you, again, for sharing!! It’s painfully obvious how difficult your life has been, but through it all you’ve managed to turn your life around and make your story a positive model for all who read this!
You ARE amazing! Don’t ever doubt that!
Dear Rhiannon,
Thank you for your compliments! My childhood was indeed horrific, but as a child I didn’t really think about it that way. By dissociating the trauma and abuse as a young child, I was able to live each day out of much of the awareness of being abused. I believe that multiplicity, the creation of alternate personalities through dissociation as a coping mechanism, was God sent. My alters functioned for me during childhood, but the same way of coping could not protect me as an adult.
As an adult, alter chaos caused me much stress. It was then I knew I needed to seek help and that losing time was not normal. I had always thought my lost time was ordinary, and that everyone lost time. When a traumatic experience, such as being strapped down during my cesarean section, without adequate anesthesia, the alters were triggered back into action to help me survive.
I will always be grateful to my alters for helping me survive the extent of my abuse as a child, however, as an adult my alters were no longer needed and living with them caused more problems than they helped. For me to live as one woman, my alters needed to integrate.
And, yes, Dr. Baer is an amazing person to have never given up on me. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he had given up on me, or worse, sent me off to another therapist after I had built trust and rapport with him. I’m sure I wouldn’t be here today, trying to help others, along with myself. It takes great courage for any doctor to step up and take care of a patient like me. I am the lucky one.
Thank you again for your encouraging words; they truly mean a lot to me. And thank you for recommending Switching Time.
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 13th 2009
Comment by DK on 08 Jun 2009 at 11:17 pm
Once again you so succinctly put into words my experience with DID/MPD! Until this blog/you, I’ve never met or spoken to someone with this disorder and your responses make me feel ‘normal’ for the first time in my life! Normal for someone who has lived with a complex often confusing spectrum of behaviors and characteristics, as is seen in DID/MPD.
I too have never used drugs (often times including prescription medications) or alcohol because of their affect on me. Prescription medications are the most frustrating to deal with because I often tell the doctor you can’t give me the adult dose it has to be lower because of how it affects me – I’ve only recently come to understand that was because sometimes kid parts were out front and sometimes adult parts. It’s not unusual to have very inconsistent results for medications from day to day or hour to hour – very frustrating for the psychiatrist I worked with initially who did not believe in DID/MPD. If parts are waring inside and I develop an all too frequent headache, medication will not even work at all – angry parts seem to blow the medication off altogether. The only solution is to figure out the war that is going on inside and calm everyone down. With bodily pain, I learned very early on to dissociate it.
When I first became aware of the fact that there might be more parts of me, acting independently, than I had always believed, I realized that decision-making was – shall we say complicated! For example, for breakfast one part always likes to have coffee – one cup in the morning, that’s all. Another part likes to have an egg, another fruit, others toast or whatever happens to catch their eye. One morning I suddenly became aware and I had 5 breakfasts on the go, in various stages of completion! There was no way I needed all the food I’d suddenly found myself confronted by and was compelled by each part to eat each breakfast. Knowing I didn’t need the food I felt helpless to stop and could not choose just one! Shopping with this committee of minds is an equally challenging and somewhat lengthy process as parts became increasingly more vocal about their likes and dislikes. They had always been there before but as we worked with the parts and let them have their voices, they felt increasingly more need to have their voices heard/attended to. While somewhat frustrating, throughout this process, I’ve allowed myself to laugh at the sometimes crazy situations I get into! It’s not uncommon for me to be on my own in a room and breakout in laughter because some part has set things up in such a way as to create a “situation” that can only be described as absurd, way out in left field! It frustrates my family because often times it’s not so funny in the explanation for the laughter – they think they are missing something! They are!
I’ve watched very little of US of Tara – Canadian and I don’t think we get it – but I’ve seen some segments on computer. I find the extremes in dress and presentation far more drastic than anything I might ever display. There’s clearly differences in likes and dislikes in say for example dress (and breakfast!) but it’s a matter of color choices, looseness of the clothing, professional vs. casual, very bright colors vs. subdued but the overall style is globally uniform. We all know how to dress say for the doctors office, for work, or for a formal occasion. It’s too difficult for me to explain why the skirt today, the first time in a year, so as a rule we-all try to avoid skirts. We save skirts for special occasions or summer wear instead. There’s differences in posture, voice, accent but they are slight so as to avoid attention.. Even my supportive husband misses many switches. He recognizes the free happy go lucky or mischievous kid parts but doesn’t see their coming or going and treats me/us-all according to what he sees – always as a grown up and with respect – even when he has to tell me to stop throwing the tennis ball inside because it might break something!
I was so terrified most of my life, doing anything illegal or against my parents wishes was unheard of. I did the best I could not to rock the boat – that is except for one part that seemed to make it’s mission to rock the boat at any opportunity it got! I’m sure that some people have parts that get people with DID in trouble but in my life, it was about steering clear of being in trouble and visible.
Thanks for sharing the view into your DID/MPD window. Your comments today made me feel so ‘normal’ and there’s not much opportunity for feeling ‘normal’ when you are made up of a committee of parts – even if the committee is slowly reducing in size!
DK
Dear DK,
Thank you for sharing all that you have. I truly appreciate all of your compliments. I’m glad to know that there are others like you and me who share similar yet different experiences in our journey to healing from multiplicity. I believe each person who journeys the road to recovering from multiplicity is unique; and although our experiences may appear similar, they are truly our own. It’s good to know that we can find some peace and laughter in the silly things that our alters sometimes do in order to help us survive. I believe my alters were a God sent coping mechanism. I surely wouldn’t be alive today without their past help. I carry my alters within me now. My alters are me. I am them.
Regarding feeling normal… we are normal. Those who create alters, like us, do so to survive every single day. How many people can do that? I believe it takes great creativity to be able to do so. Imagine: multiplicity, our coping mechanism, able to separate inner pain by temporarily removing it so that we can function at our best at all times. Multiples not only deal with great inner pain, they also provide their own entertainment! There’s never a dull moment. An entire family within one self!
Dissociation is a remarkable way of getting through a day. The abilty to switch takes creativity, intelligence and imagination. Multiplicity is incomprehensible to most, but at the same time, a definite plus in dealing with reality in an abused person’s world, where disappointments, mistrust, and frustration tend to pull the abused into chaos. In a multiple’s world, there is a way to let go and release tension by removing oneself from it. An amazing gift, if I do say so myself!
I agree with your thoughts on medication. In my opinion, medication does not work for a multiple. Talk therapy: building trust, feeling loved, calming the alters down, and being there when needed, is the only way to go. I believe many doctors are too quick to prescribe medication to take away the temporary pain. Medication only disables a multiple and her alters. It did for me.
The truth is, I lied about taking the meds prescribed. I only started healing when I stopped taking all the meds prescribed to me, and I didn’t tell Dr. Baer. After we were on the right path, I finally told him. I had bottles and bottles of untouched pills in my medicine cabinet. I would get them re-filled, but I’d never take them. I was afraid Dr. Baer would know I wasn’t taking them if I didn’t refill them.
My alters knew what was best for me all along. Trust your instincts and you and your alters will do what’s best for you. After all, the alter’s were created to protect you, not harm you.
Thank you for sharing part of your personal journey.
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 13th 2009
Comment by Sue on 07 Jun 2009 at 4:19 pm
Karen, I just finished ‘Switching Time’ and hope every day you gain even more strength and pride from the knowledge of the strength it took for you to survive the horrific events of your early life. The fact that you turned to alters and, later, Dr. Baer, for the strength and courage to live and not succomb to death, shows tremendous capacity to stare adversity in the face and come out on top. It must still be difficult for you but you truly are amazing. As someone who’s been through various therapies and worked with many therapists, I know how truly amazing it is that you found Dr. Baer on, what appears to have been, your first attempt at counseling.
I have a few questions which may not be appropriate. I mean no offense and understand if you choose to not answer them.
I’m curious as to whether your brothers were ever victimized by the many family members and community people who hurt you? I wonder, also, if you’ve had concern about a genetic possibility of them, as males, abusing family members.
Finally, at what point did you tell your children about what you had been through and did it involve a meeting with Dr. Baer?
Thank you for the courage it must have taken to share your story.
Sue
Dear Sue,
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and for understanding the difficulties I’ve had in overcoming my terrible past. I am truly blessed to have found Dr. Baer on my first attempt to seek help. Before Dr. Baer, immediately after giving birth to my daughter, there was one therapist who tried to help me deal with the pain after my cesarean section went wrong. I believe we only spoke twice.
A couple years after my daughters birth, I knew I was in trouble. Large parts of my day were missing and unknown. I felt sad all the time. I tried to dismiss everything as just having a bad day, but I no longer could pretend. I was not well and losing time. I needed help. It was pure fate that I found the right therapist, Dr. Baer. God was surely present. I was in such a fragile state, I didn’t care, and I thought dying was my best option. I believe Dr. Baer knew this from the start and paid special attention to signs that may have gone unnoticed by someone else. I was lucky in this.
Regarding your questions, there are no questions that I won’t try to handle. The few that cause me concern, Dr. Baer will help me with them.
Yes, my brother’s were victimized, too, but not exactly in the same way, for they were boys and not sexually interesting to my abusers. My brothers were beaten on a regular basis, degraded, humiliated, and never treated with the care and nurturing required for young boys to grow into fine men. My brothers suspected things were happening to me, but I never shared the details.
Both of my brother’s are in their forties. One is married but never had children of his own. The other had two daughters who were never abused by him. Neither of my brothers took on the traits of my father, and I am grateful for that. I keep in touch with my nieces and they never once appeared as I did. And believe me, I would know.
During my therapeutic years, my children were aware that I was in therapy with Dr. Baer, but most of the time my sessions were during their school day. As my children became old enough to comprehend small doses of the reality of my parents, I would share bits and pieces that I wasn’t treated nicely. I never shared any of the traumatic memories with them.
My daughter, at age 21, read Switching Time, and she was amazed and proud of my survival. She had told me that I was the best mom and thanked me for not dragging her into such horror. My daughter came to a full understanding of my alters and could easily share stories of them that I had not known. I don’t believe my son has read my story yet, but he knows of it and has read many news articles about it. I believe some day he will, but it’s not necessary.
There was no need for my children to meet with Dr. Baer. I believe my therapy was a success due to the fact that Dr. Baer treated me so that I in turn could be the best mom I could be. I don’t believe dragging children into a parent’s therapy is always beneficial. For me, it could’ve caused more harm than good. I spoke to my children on my own, sharing what they needed to know at the appropriate time. Dr. Baer was always right there with me, in thought, and just a phone call away. If I ran into some parental problem, he guided me.
Thank you for all your compliments and for caring enough to ask your questions.
Karen
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Richard Baer on Jun 12th 2009
Comment by Robert F on 06 Jun 2009 at 8:00 pm
Graduated last night! Whoo Whoo! I can’t touch the ground yet. I read your book a couple of weeks ago and wanted to let you guys know it will be a great teachers guide for the Psych Department of most colleges. Wow, wow, wow, wow! Are you really alive? Thank you for encouraging therapy in a not so friendly envirnoment. Did you know that psycholgy is losing ground cause insurance companies don’t believe in it’s necessity? More doctors should be like Richard Baer M.D. I know that money is an issue. You were lucky to have medical insurance and didn’t need to pay the balance. Well, at least Richard Baer received something. God, your book was educational.
Robert F
Dear Robert,
Thank you for your review! It is our hope that many colleges will use Switching Time as a teaching tool for their psychology department studies. It’s true that many medical insurance policies don’t adequately cover the necessary sessions to treat those who suffer from mental illness.
You are right, I was fortunate that Dr. Baer treated me on what the insurance companies paid him, which was never enough, and eventually stopped billing me for the balance. I couldn’t afford to pay for all the treatment I needed to heal on my own. I would’ve been forced to end therapy. And if I were forced out of the medical system for being unable to pay I most certainly would have ended my life.
Thank you for believing our story is inspirational and educational. I believe my healing was meant to be and that Dr. Baer and I were meant to share our journey together. What we accomplished can’t be measured monetarily. My healing was priceless.
Congratulations on your graduation!
Karen
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