Comment by Loretta on 21 Sep 2009 at 9:21 pm

Dear Karen,

Thank you for bringing hope to me when I was in the hospital for depression. A friend of mine brought me the book about you. I honestly thought it not a good choice for a depressed person but did read it after one of the counselors said it was okay. I was near the end of a one month hospitalization. I thought what the heck at least I’m still in the hospital if I relapse. What a ride your story put me on. Thank God I was in the hospital because I went from a basket case to gaining more courage than ever thought imaginable. All in two days. I love your ability to overcome so much. My past abuse was one fifth of what you dealt with. You inspire me. I am home and dealing with reality. It’s hard work but if you could do it so can I.

I watch tv a lot while I am healing. Besides Oprah, do you like any other shows? A question for you. In all that you know of survival and having the spirit to survive what actress has inspired you to laugh and get over yourself? What makes you feel good? Would you be interested in meeting the actress most likely to have helped you get through tough times? Who makes you laugh?

Loretta

Detroit, MI

Dear Loretta,

You’re welcome! I know what it’s like to be hospitalized for depression. I was hospitalized twice. During my hospitalizations I also dreamt of having hope to succeed and make it through the horror I felt.

Abuse is abuse and it doesn’t matter how many times an abusive act was performed. What matter’s most is to accept what happened and try to move forward. Dealing with one’s past pain is not only difficult but is a life long process. Seeking help is the best way we can heal. I hope my journey didn’t take you on too much of an emotional ride triggering your past pain, but I’m glad that you kept reading and found courage from my story. That’s very important to me.

Regarding my favorites…

I love many shows but rarely get the chance to watch television. When I do, I enjoy shows like “Bones”, “Fringe”, ” Lie to Me,” and most medical shows that challenge my thoughts. I also love romantic movies that bring laughter and beauty to complex relationships. That love-hate, tug and pull that tap my every emotion are the best. I love movies like “Under the Tuscan Sun”, “Mama Mia,” and hundreds more. Sometimes I enjoy documentaries, “Dancing With the Stars,” and art shows, too! I guess there’s just too many to list here. I love variety, a little bit of everything, but not too much of anything.

Who is someone that inspired me and kept me laughing at the same time? I would have to say Whoopi Goldberg. Why? Because she is real. She never cares what anyone thinks, she’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind, and has her own voice. Whoopi has an aura that shouts, “If you can’t accept me for who I am, that’s your problem.” During a time when I felt severely depressed, ugly, unlovable, and strange, Whoopi’s never-dying spirit seemed to bring me back to life. She made me laugh. I rarely have the opportunity to really laugh and be me, and indirectly she helped restore my sanity.  I’m not sure why but I would love to meet her someday.

I agree, healing is hard work for everyone! Please have faith and your healing will continue.

Karen

Comment by Corrine on 20 Sep 2009 at 7:38 pm

Dear Karen,

I am sitting here deep in thought about who you are and what drove you to this point in your life. I finished reading ST five minutes ago. I have felt suicidal a few times and that was horrible enough. I know your are older than most mpd patients. Most do end their life. What is one thing that kept you alive? As a mpd patient what would you suggest to other people who are mpd? I think you are remarkable. I wish to meet you.

Corrine

Dear Corrine,

Thank you for your thoughtfulness to share. I truly appreciate your questions. What has driven me to this point in my life is faith. Despite what some may think, I am an optimist who tries very hard to continuously overcome dark thoughts that sometimes intrude and drag me down. I have felt suicidal most of my life, but I have learned through therapy that suicidal thoughts were okay as long as I never act on them. Life is hard for anyone who once suffered abuse, but it’s still a life worth living. Staying alive is always a struggle for those who suffer. Accomplishing one day at a time is a celebration.

Is there an average age before a multiple gives in to suicide? I’ve never read anything like that. I believe what kept me going, year after year, day after day, minute by minute, was feeling unconditionally cared for and loved. When I feel loved I can accomplish anything. I have faith, strength, love, and feel trust. But when that feeling subsides or seems lost, I start to fall. At those times I really need support and strength to move forward. Surviving abuse is a life long process. What helps me is to constantly remind myself that my abusers are long gone and dead. And I am here; free to live my life as I always intended to.

It would be my privilege to meet not only you, but all those who wish to meet me and Dr. Baer.

Thank you for thinking I’m remarkable! I am touched.

Karen

Comment by Stella on 18 Sep 2009 at 3:23 pm

Hi Karen!

I’ve been keeping up with your posts, really enjoying your thoughtful responses to such a variety of interesting questions, they must keep you on your toes!

My question for you today is this: Since the time that you have integrated all these various parts of yourself into a whole self, do you ever recognize a thought or reaction in your everyday life that feels as though it could be the way a previously separated part would have felt and reacted, or do those kinds of automatic responses from your previously separated emotional memories kind of fade away over time so that everything seems like a new way of feeling and responding now? Hope that wasn’t too confusing! A complicated question but I think you will understand what I’m looking for.

Keep up the great work Karen, sending lots of warm and positive thoughts your way!

Fondly,

Stella

Dear Stella,

Thank you for keeping up with my posts!  That means a lot to me to hear when someone like you comes back to visit and read the questions coming in as well as my answers. I admit the variety of questions does keep me on my toes! It’s been very fulfilling for me to personally answer each question. I’m amazed at the steady stream coming in. Answering these questions gives me purpose.

Yes, at times, I do remember certain thoughts, feelings, and speech patterns that may have belonged to one of my past alters. I don’t really pay much attention, nor do I focus or acknowledge these rare moments. It’s just me being me. But I do notice them, especially during times when I am not feeling my best. If a dark thought is triggered, I’ll quickly try to change it into something pleasant. I may have integrated all seventeen of my alters, but they are all still very much a part of me, and always will be, just not in their old separate form.

Most of my past traumatic feelings and thoughts have faded away. I rarely, if ever, think of the actual abuse I had once suffered that created my alters. I acknowledge, accept, and understand that I was a victim of abuse, but those horrific painful feelings are no longer a part of my everyday life. There are times when I struggle with this, but doesn’t everyone? These days my struggles come with living in reality as one person, in the same way each of us struggles through difficult times.  I continue to do my very best to keep moving forward.

Please write back if you have more questions.  I’ll try my best to help you.

Have a great day!

Karen

Comment by Lana on 15 Sep 2009 at 11:13 am

Dear Karen,

Talk to us about love, faith and trust. I am a student who read your story after surviving my own issues after being raped by an uncle. I thought my uncle loved me. I thought lots of people loved me. In general I love people. I trusted my uncle. Did you ever assume someone loved you only to find out they didn’t and be hurt by them? I can identify with the facts that there are many levels of love even though to me love is love. Can you feel love after all you’ve gone through? In our class discussion I couldn’t participate being that I have mixed feelings. I trust your opinion. Love hurts. I don’t think I could trust anymore. I lost faith in people and God. Have you ever felt like me?

Lana

Dear Lana,

This is by far the hardest question I have been asked.  Love.  How does anyone define love? I admit I couldn’t answer your question immediately like I usually do with the many questions that I have answered. My grief regarding love at times feels endless. But I continue to have hope.

Yes, love can hurt. I recently walked out of my first creative writing class when asked to write about love. The teacher asked us to write our thoughts on “Love is a many splendored thing” and “Love makes the world go round.”  Needless to say, a tough subject for a woman with an abusive past. I started to write, became overly emotional, and excused myself. I’m not even sure I can return.

I continue to struggle with love issues. I hope someday my past insecurities regarding love will subside into a low, pleasant hum. I know I can love. I am able to. I found my ability to love buried deep within me during my therapeutic years. Like you, I also thought I had lost the ability to love anyone after the past hurt I experienced. My faith was tested! But I knew I would be able to love again, and I did.

After many years of trying to build trust, regain my faith, and finally learn to love again after being mistreated, I found that during therapy I had grown to love Dr. Baer, as my mentor, parental figure, and confidant, for his patience, support, guidance, and unconditional care. My first feelings of love came from feeling loved by him.  For the first time ever, I felt my feelings of being loved were real. I felt loved in the same way a child looks up to her parents with admiration, respect–that special kind of love. A child’s love that is hard to describe. But yes, I felt loved, and that was a miracle.

I had to learn love from the beginning, inside out, as if I never understood the meaning of love in the first place. I had spent years emotionally challenged by love, faith, and the hardest of all, trust.  My ability to love and be loved was stolen from me by the cruel hands of my abusers.

One must learn trust before one can love. My first trust came from my sessions with Dr. Baer; he unconditionally listened and cared for me without judgement. It took many years before my feelings fell quietly into a respectful place within my troubled heart. My alters learned to trust, have faith, and love before I did. I can now feel all that they have gained regarding love because, as a whole, I gained so much love from all of them and Dr. Baer.

I found that through loving Dr. Baer I was able to love most everyone that crossed my path, whether they deserved my new feelings of love or not.  I felt on top of the world with all the newness I experienced feeling loved, and learning how to love. I felt whole for the first time. It’s such an amazing feeling to be loved. I only wish I could maintain it. My ability to trust, have faith, be loved, and to love are always in a fragile state. For someone once severly abused like me, constant reassurance is needed. I may need more reassurance and love than most, but after a lifetime of hurt, who can blame me.

I am saddened by your unhappy quest to find love but understand all that you feel. Your uncle stole your innocence from you for his own selfish pleasure and needs. My abusers stole mine. It’s such a selfish act. Whether you’re a child or an adult healing from past abuse, it’s important for you to understand that you need to love yourself because people are human and can hurt you. Be careful and guard your heart.

Sending my love to you. Wishing all my best on your journey to your own peaceful heart.

Karen

Comment by Denise on 19 Sep 2009 at 7:44 am

Hello Richard and Karen,

Richard, I have been trying to find you on facebook but there are 42 of you!  Which is the real you? You are really a good person for treating Karen. I hope you continue to support the marvelous job she’s doing on her blog.

Karen, I am happy you survived. I hope you are taking care of Richard.

Great book!

Denise

Dear Denise,

Thank you for writing in. I checked Facebook and yes, there are forty-two Richard Baers listed, but Dr. Richard Baer is the first one!  The picture shown of Dr. Baer is the same picture used here on our web site. I appreciate your wanting to write to the right Dr. Baer!

Thank you for your compliment!  As always, I try my best to care for Dr. Baer, just as he cares for me.

Karen

Comment By Krystyne on 16 Sep 2009 at 3:44 pm

Good morning, my dearest Karen…. I am a thirty eight year old woman who was molested as a child. I’ve grown to the point of knowing I can handle dealing with my terror. I divorced four years ago. No children. In reading your story I decided therapy might be good for me. I know I have many issues with men. Don’t trust a one! As a matter of fact HATE them all! My ex claims he cheated because he couldn’t stand being with a woman who had been sexually abused. Men are scum bags. Maybe I was wrong to tell him? Trust. Is there such a thing? I respect your opinion which hits me where it hurts, the truth. Before I call in to search for a therapist and make my appointment I would like to know what you think, if I should choose a male or female therapist? I know it doesn’t matter to most. But I believe there is a difference. Please share your thoughts on what sex the therapist should be for a past victim of child sexual abuse. Thank you. I love you for sharing your life. I hate men but think I have a few positive feelings for the doctor who treated you, Baer. At least it’s a start? right?

Krystyne

San Antonio

Dear Krystyne,

You may find my answer shocking but I once hated all men, too!  But I’ve learned through therapy and from my past not to judge and accuse out of my past pain. I empathize with the pain you have suffered at the hands of some of the men in your life, but realistically you can’t bunch them all together in one category and judge them all the same. There are good men out there! The challenge is to find one. Abusive men in general are greedy and selfish. They want all and can’t love anyone but themselves. A good man is not that way.

I believe what causes a once abused woman to attract the wrong type of man is the same reason that causes an abusive man to find that vulnerable woman who has low self-esteem. It’s the radar effect. A woman will choose the wrong type of man because it’s all they have grown to know. If a woman never experienced true fatherly love from her father figure, how will she ever know what to look for and feel confidant to choose wisely? I believe when a woman has been abused as a child, like you and me, we tend to search for a love that we never received in the first place. We fantasize about what we’d love to feel in a relationship with a man, but we still tend to choose men who are dysfunctional and abusive because that’s all we know. Maybe we believe we can fix them? Turn them into that man we desire? I don’t know. I’ve always struggled with my thoughts on why I’ve been a magnet for dysfunctional people.

As a woman, I’ve felt that if I remained compliant, men would like me. That’s not only wrong, but outrageous. Be yourself. And if a man can’t accept you, it’s his loss, and you should move on. Not all men are scum-bags. We choose the wrong men because of our low self-esteem. How does any woman understand and know what to search for when the only father she has known hurts, abuses, and destroys all her feminine feelings by taking advantage of her child innocence?

My husband changed the day he found out I was sexually abused as a child, too! I remember that day well. My temporary therapist, not Dr. Baer, told me to tell him.  BIG HUGE mistake, for it was the last time he touched me. Being told I was a victim of child sexual abuse disgusted him. I remember the hurt I felt when my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me because he believed I enjoyed being raped by my abusers.  To trust my ex-husband with my inner pain proved devastating. Of course I felt to blame.  When a father or other loved one tells a child that the abusive act performed was God’s will, how does that child know the truth? How could I, as a child, understand that the abusive attention I thought was the love of my father was not love at all? I first came to understand the truth about sexual abuse while in high school.

Please don’t give up on all men. It’s just harder for a woman who has once been abused to find that special man to compliment her life. He’s out there somewhere. Therapy may help you understand what not to look for. It helped me.

Regarding what sex your therapist should be–male or female–that depends on you. Therapists are professionally trained and it should not matter what sex they are. Originally when I called for a therapist, I was asked whether I’d prefer male or female. I didn’t know so I said it didn’t matter. The first choice given to me was a woman, but she had no availability, and then I was referred to Dr. Richard Baer, a man. During my first few sessions my hatred for men was clear to me but I never shared those thoughts with Dr. Baer. As time went on, I realized it was for the best that I had a male therapist because of that hatred. I learned to accept men by first feeling unconditionally cared for by my male therapist. I thought all men were incapable of that level of care. I was wrong. As therapy continued, I could respect men like Dr. Baer. My thoughts shifted and were replaced with new thoughts that maybe some men are okay.

Wishing you all my best as you continue your journey to wellness.

Karen

Comment by Joseph on 16 Sep 2009 at 8:39 am

Karen,

How do you feel about death? Are you at peace? Do you feel any guilt from your past? In the church you were raised to believe in a higher power even turn to your other cheek. Have your forgiven yourself and those who have abused you?

Joseph

Dear Joseph,

I’m not afraid to die. Death is a part of life. Of course there are many mysteries surrounding death, but I believe that we all know that we will die someday. Sooner or later, we all face the same. I believe I am at peace.

I’m not sure by what you mean by feeling guilt from my past? What happened to me in my past was not something for me to feel guilt over.  I was an innocent child who trusted and loved my abusers because I didn’t know better. I never knew what happened to me was considered abuse until my high school years. I believed all children were treated like I was.

You ask if I’ve been able to forgive my abusers and let go of my past. Yes, to some degree I have, but I have not forgotten. It’s not my job to judge.  I believe with my whole heart that my abusers will face a higher power and be punished accordingly. I’ve had to let go of my hatred; otherwise my abusers would’ve won by completing their mission, to kill one child’s spirit for eternity. I couldn’t allow that.  I would’ve stayed trapped within my dark self for the rest of my days. Would that have been fair? I think not. Healing meant I survived. Therefore, I won. My abusers, lost.

Thank you for your questions.

Karen

Comment by Pastor D on 16 Sep 2009 at 8:27 am

Hi Karen,

Read your story. Unbelievable! I am appalled by what happened to you. What can people do to help you? I know what you experienced was horrific and is a life long healing journey. I know you must be still hurting. There’s no way possible you can’t be. Do you feel you need more help now as you try to live in reality? Who do you know to help you continue your healing? The book must have shook your new world. What help has Richard Baer provided in the form of continued help? I am concerned truth be not known. I know you are brave. But not brave enough to live well alone. Writing your story may be fulfilling a purpose but you need support too. I will pray for you.

Pastor D

Vermont

Dear Pastor D,

I appreciate your concern and for acknowledging how appalling what happened to me was. I may have gone through horrific pain, but it’s my hope that by sharing my story, other children may be spared what I’ve suffered. I believe through awareness we all can gain the knowledge needed to help protect them and make a difference to all who have been abused. Of course, it’s not fair to have suffered. I can’t change my past, but I can look forward to an abuse free future.

I agree, healing from child abuse is a life long journey. In my case, there have been times where a sad memory would trigger dark thoughts. The difference is now, after healing through therapy, I am able to quickly defuse those thoughts and move forward. Before therapy, I felt stuck in a dark hole. I can now accept what happened to me and can understand that it was not my fault that I was tortured, which what I always thought. My abusers were sick. I was a child and a victim.

I admit, there were times when I need continued support. I’ve learned a great deal from my time in therapy with Dr. Baer. But sadly, a lifetime of hurt can’t be totally erased. Life is a mystery, and each day I learn something new about myself, past and present.  I am human and make mistakes just like everyone else.

Sharing my story has shaken my world, but not in a bad way. There have been moments of distress from being overwhelmed with all the attention drawn to my past. Admitting what happened to me in black and white was huge. Sharing was difficult at first, but as time has passed, I’ve gained strength. Sharing gives me purpose. I believe my story was meant to be told. I knew it might be hard, but at the same time, I knew it would be a healing experience. How often does one get the chance to have their entire life laid out in a book to go over, analyze, and re-discover the miracle of surviving such horror?

Thank you for your prayers and for believing I am brave. I believe I am brave, too!  And yes, I need support and will continue to need support, just as we all need to support each other.

Karen

Comment by Ben on 15 Sep 2009 at 5:27 pm

Hi Karen,

One question. Do you know who you are?

Dear Ben,

Yes, I know who I am!  I admit there are times when it’s hard to be me. Each day I learn something new about myself, my spirit, and my will to survive. I believe reality has a way of pushing each of us into constantly re-thinking the answer to your question. My goal is to maintain a sense of calm. I hope to live in peace and be the best person I can be.

I recently found a quote that gave meaning to knowing oneself.   “I laughed when I realized how many years it took to discover who I am… by first zealously exploring… who I am not.

Thank you for your question.

Karen

Comment by Karla on 14 Sep 2009 at 8:31 am

Dear Karen,

I believe that people need people. I have a dissociative illness, not like yours, but close. I found your book and web site to be very helpful to my healing. Thank you for allowing your story to be shared with the world.

Karla W.

Dear Karla,

Yes, I agree, we all need to help each other the best we can. I believe that’s what we are here for. I’m glad my story is helpful to your healing. I wish you all my best as you continue on your own journey to wellness.

Sharing my story with the world is very important to me. I hope sharing my story will bring more knowledge and awareness of the illness I survived–multiplicity.

Thank you for sharing.

Karen