Comment by Jacqueline on 25 Sep 2009 at 9:07 am

Dear Karen,

OK, I can understand all that you write, I love your way of bringing peace, but HOW can you possibly forgive those idiots who abused you? God, I can’t even remember all the acts I suffered through being a victim of sexual abuse when I was young. I blocked most of it out. If I remembered all I would’ve killed myself long ago. I am 42 years old and have no room, not one space to forgive, and feel miserable all the damn time. I have no faith and stopped believing in God. What reason could you possibly have to forgive? What is forgiveness to you?

Jacqueline

Dear Jacqueline,

Forgiveness. That has been a tough one for me, yet it comes easier now that I’ve healed. There have been many people here on my blog and in my life that can’t understand how it’s possible for me to have been hurt so much and still try to forgive. It is not my job to judge or condemn anyone, even those who hurt me. I may forgive, but I can’t forget. I am who I am today because of the experiences I’ve suffered.

Please don’t misunderstand. I hate recalling the details that caused my mind to fragment into many alternate parts. But I have no choice; the memories still sometimes come. I had once tried to deny the truth of my past, ignore my thoughts, and not believe any of it, but with no success. Each day that I tried to ignore the truth, the more ill I became. I felt depressed, suicidal, suffered frequent nightmares and headaches, and couldn’t function knowing that I was living a lie. I had to confront my past, and within the safety of therapy, I did. It was the most difficult time of my life, yet a much needed time in my life. Before therapy, I was a prisoner within myself.

In therapy, I wrote down every memory that came to me. Writing offered me the freedom to vent without causing harm to anyone. I would journal and turn my journals over to Dr. Baer for safe-keeping. As the details of my abuse were vented away, forgiveness started to come to me as a sense of calm. Only at this time was I able to begin my journey to heal.

I believe in order to forgive one’s abusers, you need to recognize and remember how you were hurt in the first place. As a young child, I believed much of the abuse that was happening to me was from love. I never understood that it wasn’t love until during therapy. I even may have felt at times that I enjoyed being abused, because I mistook what I was feeling as something loving, when realistically it was not. When abuse comes in the form of forced, inappropriate sexuality, it confuses a child into believing she is being loved. That was the only kind of love I knew. It was hard for me to learn the difference.

Have faith that by remembering the abuse you’ve suffered, it will eventually release those fears that keep you trapped in pain. I admit I felt suicidal many times as my memories poured out of me, but after each episode, a weight lifted, and I felt stronger. Time and again I felt like ending my life, time and again I surprised myself by making it through another day. Remembering is hard, but needed, to remove yourself from your inner prison. Maybe journaling will help release the miserable feeling and anger you are experiencing.

Wishing you all my best.

Karen

Comment by Cammerron on 23 Sep 2009 at 9:21 pm

Dear Karen,

When your alters left you in integration did you change your appearance to look like them? After each alter integrated did you look in the mirror and see them? How did you deal with it? What about looking in mirrors? I read somewhere you hate mirrors, is that true? When you had alters what freaked you out? Do you believe the alters haunt you now like ghosts? Do you dream of your alters like they appeared before integration? Are your alters haunting your dreams saying they want back in? Out of curiosity. I am intrigued by you. I am also fond on you.

Cammerron, Alaska

Dear Cammerron,

I don’t recall much about changing my appearance as each alter switched from one to another. I may have done so at times, but definitely not enough to remember. There was really no time to change appearance and clothing because I never knew when a switch would occur. In most instances, a multiple can’t plan ahead.  Switching comes as a natural reaction to deflect something that’s uncomfortable, frightening, or something a multiple does not wish to confront. It’s an automatic response. That’s why I have a hard time believing stories where a multiple totally changes their appearance the minute a switch occurs.

I believe a true multiple can’t afford to bring attention to herself. After all, I believe alters are created to keep one functioning without notice. I tried my best to appear nearly the same at all times. That was best for me. I can’t answer for anyone else or another multiple. We each are unique and deal with our past trauma in our own way.

Mirrors. I still don’t like to look in a mirror. Whenever I glance into a mirror, I don’t see the self I feel inside. I may not recognize the woman in the mirror as me, and that can depress me. In my mind, I simply look different. During the years my alters were active, if one of them would glance into a mirror, that alter would see his or her self. Miles would’ve looked like Miles to him, Claire would’ve looked like Claire, and so on. That’s why I removed all mirrors from my home except for the bathrooms. If I lived without my husband and children, I would’ve most likely covered the bathroom mirrors, too.

The only thing my alters did to freak me out was to want to end my life by cutting away my abuse. Which of course is impossible. But you can’t explain that to a child alter. Dr. Baer had to work hard with a few of my alters so that those dark thoughts and impulses were eliminated.

Alters are not ghosts! I am not haunted by my ex-alters and never dream of them as their separate selves. I’m not sure why I never dream of them, but I don’t. My dreams are my own and rarely include past trauma and alter chaos. I am grateful for that.

Thank you for all the challenging questions, I appreciate the time you’ve taken to better understand all that I have been and have become.

I am Karen. My alters are Karen, too.

Comment by Kimberly on 23 Sep 2009 at 9:26 pm

Karen,

I came home to find more documentation from my past, which I have been working on to fill the memory gaps in my life. The tears poured, which is very unusual for me. I do not recall having braces before the age of 16 or having them removed with pliers by my father out of his anger for my aunt who had them put on for me. How can I not remember such a terrible experience?

How do you get through the day? These thoughts never leave unless someone else takes over. Did you have others to talk to before you integrated?

Kimberly

Dear Kimberly,

There was so much I couldn’t recall of my past, too! However, after integration all the memories were filled in. Finally, my puzzle, my life was complete. You may be feeling heart-broken and sad. There must be a reason for that. Please allow your tears to fall.

I’m so sorry for the pain you endured. My alters removed such horrific memories in order for me to survive. Maybe that’s why you can’t remember.  Your may be protecting yourself from knowing the horror you once experienced.  When the time is right, you will remember all, but only when you’re able to deal with the pain. Please don’t give up. I care.

For me, some days are still difficult, but as time passes on, each day becomes lighter. As you realize the extent of your suffering, those painful memories will rise up and fall back time and again, until they settled down to a quiet hum. I know it’s different for each of us, but I believe that you will some day understand what I’m sharing. For today, when those dark thoughts resurface, try facing them for what they are, a past memory, not a present trauma. When I feel that way, I try to convince myself that there is no room in the present for those dark thoughts.

I heard my alters speak within me during their conference meetings each night, but not during the day, while I switched in and out. I believe my alters communicated what was best for me with Dr. Baer. Sometimes during therapy I felt I didn’t belong there or have anything to say. It was hard. But it was at that time I started to heal.

There were times I never thought I’d make it, but I did. I believe you are doing the best you can! Have faith and your healing will follow. I wish you well.

Karen

Comment by Saul on 25 Sep 2009 at 4:05 am

In the show United States of Tara, Tara’s alters seem to be in some way similar to her own family members. How do you feel your alters were created compared to Tara’s possible family connections? How is it possible Tara’s alters are like her family?

Dear Saul,

I am not a psychiatrist and can’t answer your questions with certainty, but I can give my opinion. Remembering Tara is just a television character, I believe it’s possible for Tara’s alters to pick up mannerisms from those close to her. I believe alters are created for survival and draw what is needed from many different people, which may include immediate family members. A true multiple will gather thoughts, feelings, and mannerisms from anyone that his or her part-self needs to survive. Alters are created in a child’s formative years but continue to grow, not always in age, but in thought, which can include adding more personality traits.

For example, in my case my alters gathered the good from a mixture of characters on television shows such as “Father Knows Best” “Lassie” “Leave it to Beaver” and from people I admired, wished to be like, or felt were responsible. Each of my alters were unique and came from who my thoughts created them to be based on my need to overcome a traumatic event.

Multiplicity is an amazing coping mechanism, but God forbid anyone needs to use it! Alters are created to help a child survive abuse, but once the child enters adulthood and leaves the trauma behind, the alters are no longer needed in the same way. I believe that’s where alter chaos begins, at the time when the alters don’t need to protect the child anymore and don’t know how to cope in the normal world. That’s why it’s so important to integrate all the alters. That way they all will become one and will be able to move forward in the world abuse free.

Thank you for your questions.

Karen

Comment by Lillie on 23 Sep 2009 at 9:19 pm

Hi Karen,

I am thrilled you make comments under the newspeoples facebook thoughts. I am thrilled whenever I see your name pop up after you answer a question. I read you comments on Amazon.com of the books you read, Oprah comments, Ellen D, Linda Yu. Sylvia Perez and more. I have tagged you. Everything you say is of value to me. I think your opinions are worth sharing. I am thrilled your completed therapy with Richard Baer was a success. Your comments about being a great team are right on! Congratulations on a much needed success life story. I wish you happiness. My opinion is worth nothing but you and Richard Baer inspired me to a higher level of life.

Love you!

Lillie

Dear Lillie,

Thank you so much for all your kind thoughts and opinions! I am touched that you are so thrilled with my responses and find them of value and inspiration. That means a lot to me.

My journey to healing came from having the unconditional support of Dr. Baer and special friends. I couldn’t heal on my own until I learned to trust. Of course, having faith helped me through the toughest times. I am grateful to all those who helped me get to this point in my life. I am now one woman trying to do the best I can to get through each day.

Thank you again for all your compliments! And, yes, Dr. Baer and I made a great team! But that didn’t come easy; it took patience, respect for each other, and building trust. I had faith that one day I could live as one.

Karen

Comment by Michael on 22 Sep 2009 at 5:38 pm

My wife was mpd. she had 11 parts that i could talk to. Each had her own memories, skill sets and likes and dislikes. two were very hostile. she had amnesia for the mpd until one of the hostile alters pulled her from the front and into the house where all her alters lived and fought her. well, she won the fight and then the alters were able to have free reign of the house and start to work together. as she merged her memories merged until she was down to two parts. after she merged the final two into one person, she now has no memory that she was ever a multiple. but i do see all her parts in her actions, body movements and she has all the memories of each except for what the two hostile alters did. have you heard of a person merging and then not know they were ever a multiple?

Dear Michael,

I haven’t heard of a multiple losing all memory of being a multiple. I believe integration worked for your wife because she regained memory of her past without hostility and alter individuality. I would say integration was a success! She is now one woman able to move forward and live her life without alter chaos.

In my case I kept most of the memories of my alters, minus the experience of their worst pain. I have been able to understand all that brought me to where I am today. For me, that was a very important part of my healing. I’m not sure what would’ve happened if I forgot everything. I’m not sure I would’ve liked that feeling. Being a multiple is a complex coping mechanism. Although incomprehensible to most, there is so much more medical research to be done to understand this illness, and those who suffer from it. Maybe it’s a blessing for your wife not to remember being a multiple and switching?

I’m amazed that you notice the different parts of the alters now that she has completed integration. That’s a wonderful way to understand where your wife has been. What a proud moment to be able to experience your wife as one. Accepting her just the way she is, is very important. In my opinion I wouldn’t bring up the past alter activity, unless of course, it’s needed for some reason during her therapeutic healing. If all appears calm and well, then I would let it go. You hadn’t said anything, but I was wondering how you are handling the loss of the uniqueness of each of your wife’s ex-alters? It must’ve been hard on you, too. Befriending the alters was building a relationship with each one, letting them go must have had some affect on you? I never thought about that before, but now I wonder whether Dr. Baer grieved at the integration of each of my alters, too! Sometimes I grieve, but realistically I know that each of my alters is me.

Multiplicity can affect the entire family system. Please take care of yourself, too.

Thank you for sharing your story and for posting another look into the world of multiplicity.

Karen

Comment by Snickers on 22 Sep 2009 at 1:22 pm

Dear Karen,

At sixteen I was raped. I am a rape victim and an abused woman. Not a multiple personality. But that doesn’t matter at this point ’cause I might as well have been like you anyway. I read you book and came to realize that although not like you I act like a multiple personality to get through my days. I dissociate without dissociation. I need to change my attitude and personality numerous times a day just because of my lies. I didn’t want anyone to ever know the real me because of my rape. Me is weak. I hated my life and decided to become different to different people so I would enjoy a variety of relationships. I act sophisticated for some, crazy girly girl for some, teacher like for some and pretend I am qualified for jobs that I am not. I even have some believing I am a transexual and others a metro male. I am believable. My question to you is. I have gone too far with it and think I am turning my imaginary made up people parts into a multiple personality, a real multiple personality. Is it possible? Could you give me your opinion and ask Dr. Baer what’s wrong with me? Can I, a 27 year old adult woman become a multiple personality after two years making it up? Will my mind accept my lies to compensate my boring life and create real alters? How do I go back without revealing what “Id done? I’m so bad I actually started using your story as a guide book for my lies. I could create a whole new story line by being you, indirectly of course. I am fascinated with you. I have learned so much from you that I probably could become you. Ha Ha! What should I do? Do you think I need a therapist? If you say so I will find me a therapist but honestly what I thought was fun at first is turning out to be hard, very hard work. I don’t know how you lived as a multiple personality Karen. It’s exhausting and takes so much work to keep up. I admire you.

Snickers in LA

Dear Snickers,

I’m really glad you wrote to me. Being a victim of rape is not being weak. Someone stole your innocence from you. That was a horrific crime and not your fault. I understand the shame and guilt you feel. I’ve been there, too! I understand that you don’t feel good about yourself at this time, but that’s why it’s so important to talk to someone. You have taken the most important first step by sharing with me and accepting what happened to you. With support, I believe you can get through this.

My life as a multiple was not as exciting as most people want to believe. A true multiple’s life is exhausting. Being a true multiple is scary. The difference between what you describe and being a true multiple is that multiples aren’t aware, for the most part, of their other personalities.  You are.  Not being aware of all that one does is frightening. I’m glad that my story has changed your thoughts and brought you to a better understanding of the reality of the illness, multiplicity.  I showed your comment to Dr. Baer, and he does not believe you can become a multiple by enacting different personas for different occasions.  He said it lacks the dissociative part that comes from repeated trauma.

What interests me is that you chose not to be yourself in order to protect yourself from the shame you felt after being sexually abused. Although pretending to be someone else can be a temporary help, it’s an awfully exhausting way to deal with your everyday relationships. In my opinion seeking professional help from a qualified therapist would be of real help. For me, my pain lessened as I acknowledged what happened to me and worked on confronting my issues head on. Hiding behind a false self is hurtful to one’s entire being. Please seek help; I encourage you.

Please don’t try to copy me. My life was hell. I believe the more you lie the harder it will be to undo the damage you’ve caused. Try your best to stop fabricating anymore than you already have. Start fresh. Start over. Think of your family and friends, those who admire you, and those you work with. How will they feel knowing you hadn’t trusted them with the real you? Be yourself.  I believe a true friend will always unconditionally accept you for who you are.

I send you my best wishes as you continue your journey to healing, accepting your loss, and moving forward in truth. Please have faith. Writing to me shows me that you do have strength and instinct to know right from wrong. In my heart, I believe you wish to do the right thing.

Please take care of yourself. I would love to hear from you again. Please feel free to write me back anytime.

Karen

Comment by Holly on 22 Sep 2009 at 9:37 am

Suffering comes a long time for you. First abuse at the hands of your father, grandfather and his friends, to marrying an abusive husband. As you look back now to your marriage. Did you see signs that your husband to be was abusive before you married him or did the abuse come later. Did you choose you husband to be because he was like or not like your father? As you think back to all the abusive relationships you had lived what do you feel now? Your answer to Krystyne talks about men. I agree with your mature thoughts but when did you come to know most past relationships were in search of the wrong type of love? I think you are one of the strongest women alive. Thank you for all your devotion to your cause. Dr. Baer’s work with you is inspirational.

Holly

Dear Holly,

In a way, yes, I did know my husband would be abusive, but didn’t realize it at the time. As years passed, I recognized the signs that I previously ignored and kept out of my awareness. Remember, I was searching for a man unlike my father, but without knowing exactly what to look for. I thought I had chosen a husband totally the opposite of my father, but it turned out I chose in the wrong way. How could I possibly have known what to look for in a relationship based on my lack of true fatherly love?

My father wore suits and ties, appeared business-like, and never thought about camping, hunting, enjoying sports, etc. My husband was the opposite. He was the outdoors type, loved sitting around campfires, fishing, traveling, playing softball, and so on. My father would never sport a beard, but my husband did. My idea of what a good man was like led me to choose based on looks and outward preferences, not on his true self.

There were signs I never paid attention to. A few weeks before our wedding there was a day when after attending a social event, my husband-to-be had a few too many drinks and became aggressive. He pushed me into a wall. It was the first time he hit me. I saw so much anger in him. I saw the same anger in him on a visit to his mother’s home when after too much drink, she became angry, too. The next day neither of them remembered their acts of aggression, so I assumed it was the drink and not them, personally. I was not familiar with alcoholism. My father rarely drank, and I never drank. But my fathers’ friends, and a few of my abusers did, so in part I knew that might become a future problem. As I look back now, I think if a man hits you before your wedding day, then chances are he’ll continue on afterward, and sadly with more force.

During my time in therapy, I started to realize real love is not abusive. That all men don’t hit. There were quite a few times in session with Dr. Baer when I drew back from him, my therapist, because he was a man, and I thought he would hit me. That’s all I knew. Men hurt women. In my upbringing and in my marriage, if I spoke up or shared some horrific memory, I’d get hit. If I dared defend myself, I would be beaten. I was a battered, child-like woman. That’s what I felt like most of the time and the reason I stayed compliant in my marriage. I learned in therapy that what I was experiencing was domestic abuse. Before that, I thought all women were treated with disrespect.

These days I am cautious and careful not to be led into abusive relationships. Of course, because of my past abuse, it’s possible for me to make a mistake in trust every now and then. But what’s most important is that now I’m better at what to look for, what my needs are, and how to not to get involved in bad relationships. I will never allow myself to be abused again. I have strength and a voice now, and will use it.

Thank you for your compliments and for believing my work with Dr. Baer is inspirational. That’s the highest compliment!

Karen

Comment by Loretta on 21 Sep 2009 at 9:21 pm

Dear Karen,

Thank you for bringing hope to me when I was in the hospital for depression. A friend of mine brought me the book about you. I honestly thought it not a good choice for a depressed person but did read it after one of the counselors said it was okay. I was near the end of a one month hospitalization. I thought what the heck at least I’m still in the hospital if I relapse. What a ride your story put me on. Thank God I was in the hospital because I went from a basket case to gaining more courage than ever thought imaginable. All in two days. I love your ability to overcome so much. My past abuse was one fifth of what you dealt with. You inspire me. I am home and dealing with reality. It’s hard work but if you could do it so can I.

I watch tv a lot while I am healing. Besides Oprah, do you like any other shows? A question for you. In all that you know of survival and having the spirit to survive what actress has inspired you to laugh and get over yourself? What makes you feel good? Would you be interested in meeting the actress most likely to have helped you get through tough times? Who makes you laugh?

Loretta

Detroit, MI

Dear Loretta,

You’re welcome! I know what it’s like to be hospitalized for depression. I was hospitalized twice. During my hospitalizations I also dreamt of having hope to succeed and make it through the horror I felt.

Abuse is abuse and it doesn’t matter how many times an abusive act was performed. What matter’s most is to accept what happened and try to move forward. Dealing with one’s past pain is not only difficult but is a life long process. Seeking help is the best way we can heal. I hope my journey didn’t take you on too much of an emotional ride triggering your past pain, but I’m glad that you kept reading and found courage from my story. That’s very important to me.

Regarding my favorites…

I love many shows but rarely get the chance to watch television. When I do, I enjoy shows like “Bones”, “Fringe”, ” Lie to Me,” and most medical shows that challenge my thoughts. I also love romantic movies that bring laughter and beauty to complex relationships. That love-hate, tug and pull that tap my every emotion are the best. I love movies like “Under the Tuscan Sun”, “Mama Mia,” and hundreds more. Sometimes I enjoy documentaries, “Dancing With the Stars,” and art shows, too! I guess there’s just too many to list here. I love variety, a little bit of everything, but not too much of anything.

Who is someone that inspired me and kept me laughing at the same time? I would have to say Whoopi Goldberg. Why? Because she is real. She never cares what anyone thinks, she’s not afraid to say what’s on her mind, and has her own voice. Whoopi has an aura that shouts, “If you can’t accept me for who I am, that’s your problem.” During a time when I felt severely depressed, ugly, unlovable, and strange, Whoopi’s never-dying spirit seemed to bring me back to life. She made me laugh. I rarely have the opportunity to really laugh and be me, and indirectly she helped restore my sanity.  I’m not sure why but I would love to meet her someday.

I agree, healing is hard work for everyone! Please have faith and your healing will continue.

Karen

Comment by Corrine on 20 Sep 2009 at 7:38 pm

Dear Karen,

I am sitting here deep in thought about who you are and what drove you to this point in your life. I finished reading ST five minutes ago. I have felt suicidal a few times and that was horrible enough. I know your are older than most mpd patients. Most do end their life. What is one thing that kept you alive? As a mpd patient what would you suggest to other people who are mpd? I think you are remarkable. I wish to meet you.

Corrine

Dear Corrine,

Thank you for your thoughtfulness to share. I truly appreciate your questions. What has driven me to this point in my life is faith. Despite what some may think, I am an optimist who tries very hard to continuously overcome dark thoughts that sometimes intrude and drag me down. I have felt suicidal most of my life, but I have learned through therapy that suicidal thoughts were okay as long as I never act on them. Life is hard for anyone who once suffered abuse, but it’s still a life worth living. Staying alive is always a struggle for those who suffer. Accomplishing one day at a time is a celebration.

Is there an average age before a multiple gives in to suicide? I’ve never read anything like that. I believe what kept me going, year after year, day after day, minute by minute, was feeling unconditionally cared for and loved. When I feel loved I can accomplish anything. I have faith, strength, love, and feel trust. But when that feeling subsides or seems lost, I start to fall. At those times I really need support and strength to move forward. Surviving abuse is a life long process. What helps me is to constantly remind myself that my abusers are long gone and dead. And I am here; free to live my life as I always intended to.

It would be my privilege to meet not only you, but all those who wish to meet me and Dr. Baer.

Thank you for thinking I’m remarkable! I am touched.

Karen